A woman has shouted at dd

[lightsandresistance]

Dd is 13 and has aspergers and other sen. She is very quiet, has social anxiety and really struggles with people.
She is usually pretty accurate at recalling events.

Dd has just started catching the bus alone. This is a HUGE deal for her. I was walking to school with her till mid year eight because she wouldn't go alone.

She has been really enjoying the freedom of the bus but a couple of days ago she was sat on the bus playing on her phone when a lady dropped something. Dd looked up and looked at her to see what the noise was. She also looked to check she herself hadn't dropped something.

The woman who had dropped something really layed into her shouting at her for looking at her. I don't know what was said but dd ended up really shook up.

I told dd to ignore her but dd is now obsessed about this woman. Apparently dd now thinks she glared at her this morning.

I have no idea what to do. There is no other bus which will get her there in time and dd is now terrified of this woman. I don't know whether to pop on the bus with her one day and speak to her but i don't know how she will react and then dd is stuck on that bus with her daily.

I would also accompany her for a trip and see what happens. Would she feel more secure with some headphones on (so she can't hear) listening to music or a audio book? My DS has aspergers and this makes him feel secure around people. It might be worth a go?

Thanks all.

She isn't in the seats which are marked disabled. There is usually one of two seats which are slightly higher right at the front before the disabled and buggy section if that makes sense. She sits there. She has other issues which mean she could rightfully use the disabled bit but she won't incase people say something.

She has ear defenders but hasn't been wearing them on the bus as she is a bit self concious about them. I think she has been taking ear defenders.

I'm torn because I cannot physically go on the bus with her everyday and I don't want to go a step back either.

I have no idea if she is glaring at her now as dd would be paranoid about her now but i think i will do a journey to suss her out.

Dd didn't even really catch what she said to her properly because she was yelling other than something about looking at her.

Im wondering if dd was sat down and she was stood up and felt dd should have given her her seat and when she's dropped something she has taken it out on dd but i don't actually know.

This woman likely has MH issues or additional needs herself. Why not explain that to your DD? Why can't she understand that some people also have special sensitivity and it makes them upset and unhappy?

It seems a bit hypocritical to me. Your DD has additional needs but any adults with issues should be demonized.

Bfor as I wrote up thread somewhere I have explained to dd that she may have sn or mh problems herself.

I don't know what you know about autism but the problem with aspergers/autism is they really struggle to understand how and why others act in a certain way, their emotions or behaviour. Someone with aspergers cannot easily put themselves in someone elses shoes. Everything is literal.

At no point have I demonised the woman

BuckOff you're assuming a lot with your statement that the woman might also have SN. She MIGHT but she might just as well be a cow and a nasty person too!

There's no way of telling. That's why OP, you do need to get the bus with DD once at least to get the measure of this person.

buck the op isn't demonising her
Her dd is struggling to understand due to her own disability.
Would your dd feel less conspicuous with headphones on? Able to ignore people but not standout?

Eh, buses are a magnet for bizarre people. You're bound to run into a few odd situations. There was always a guy that shouted at his reflection in the window when I was going to school.

One lady was preaching to my friend about Jesus, then suddenly switched gears midsentence to call us whores and satan's messengers. Only to switch right back and say that God loved us and we only had to ask for his forgiveness. That was an interesting ride.

Anyway, I'd just tell your DD that weird people ride the bus, and if they act strange it's nothing personal. Although, if the woman is mentally ill and actually glaring at your daughter, I'd be wary.

Nice stigmatising attitudes to people with mh issues there

Barring anxiety and depression, mentally ill people aren't just meek creatures who just need help. You can get offended all you want, but the fact of the matter is that mentally ill people are very unpredictable. Left untreated they can get violent, even if it's because they're lashing out in fear. Many people in prison have mental illness/disabilities for that very reason (20% here in the states).

I say this as someone who has been in psychosis. You don't understand what rational is when you're in that state of mind, and those people have the potential to be dangerous.

If OP's daughter has caught a mentally ill person's ire, it doesn't matter what the woman's medical condition is. That won't matter if she decides to lash out at her again and frightens OP's daughter and sends her back a few strides from riding the bus alone again.

What about the drivers? Do they vary much? Could you chat to one on the journey? See if they could be mindful of the situation?

I'm sure from their tiny cab, in between taking fares, negotiating rush hour traffic in a heavily laden 13 tonne vehicle and sticking to a timetable, the driver will be able to monitor whether one passenger might be giving another one a dirty look. They're bus drivers not social workers or conflict mediators.

Could it be your daughter is just more aware of her now, and so they keep catching each others eyes.
I know when I have been on buses, if you catch someone's eye by accident, it then happens all the time and can make for a very uncomfortable journey.

Looking it from the other POV, if your daughter has noticed the woman glaring at her, she can only notice that if she is looking at the woman.

So far from having mental issues, this woman could be sat at work saying something like 'there is this kid on the bus, she glares at me on the bus every morning.
Something has clearly happened to make her anxious, but that doesn't mean she is reading is correctly (infact, with aspergers/autism there is a much bigger chance that she is reading it incorrectly than there is this woman targeting her).
(I am not saying it is like that, just offering a different view point from most people here who have just jumped on the bandwagon so to speak).

As for you being unable to go on the bus with her, well this is going to sound very harsh.
She needs you (or another adult) to be on that bus, at least for a day or two, to see what is happening.
It is NOT good enough for you just to say 'I can't do it.
You can't stick a 13 year old on the bus and absolve yourself of responsibility of her health and safety, which is basically what is happening here. And I am struggling to think of a scenario where either you cant do it or cant find another trusted adult to do it for you.

Sorry.

TeacherBob

I didn't say I couldn't do it for a day or two, i said I couldn't do it everyday but would take time off to a journey or two to suss out the situation.

I cannot do it everyday because I work in a role which doesn't involve shifts where the start time could be changed without changing jobs and apart from a very elderly parent I know no one at all where I live who could help. Not everyone has a support network.

As I said above also i am fully aware that dd is now paranoid about this woman and she might not be glaring at her.

Do you think she will be able to get past this ? Such a shame 1 step forward and 3 back for her.

I hope so MrsJayy but she fixates on things until it becomes huge in her head.

I am going to have to do a couple of journeys with her and go in work late, that in itself is an issue as I know when I do she will want me to come daily.

Walking her to her old school until year 8 was a nightmare. Not because I didn't want to do it but because she is getting older and older and NEEDS this independence to develop.

I know you want her to be as independent as she can be but would you consider contacting the local authority for school transport for her ? Means she is going on her own of sorts but safely.

That is a great idea.
No idea if she would qualify or how but will definitely enquire.

She might be within the criteria, ask Senco at school or ring the council nothing to lose by asking about it.

I hope you can get some support. There's a mum at DD's school with form for shouting at children (she actually works with kids too), ignores parents then is all sweetness and light with teachers. She's a massively insecure bitch who slates everyone else's parenting and raises ingenuous 'concerns', telling her children practically everyone else ought to be in care.
This woman on the bus might just have problems - or she could be an abusive mare. I hope your DD can get past this, it must be awful to feel so unsafe because of someone like that.