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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be at my wits end with DS6

18 replies

smallable · 13/10/2016 10:22

Ds is 6.5 and struggling to behave at school. Teachers tell me he is rude and speaks up without waiting his turn, speaks over people, will nudge his way to the front of the queue ... behaviours that appear to show he has no regard for anyone but himself.

The background is he has had this problem since Reception. It is at its worst at the beginning of the year then improves once he has settled in and got used to his new teacher/class. His behaviour at home is good and if he is naughty there is a consequence.

He can be loving and tender but at other times seems to have no regard for other people's feelings. I never really hear him say he feels sad or upset about things, unless they are major things - if his sibling is sick he will be very upset and worried.

When he talks to people he doesn't read them very well - he continues talking without giving the other person a chance to speak and he won't notice they have lost interest. He is not motivated by creating a good impression on others. He doesn't really care what other people think. He does not like change and struggles to adapt, far more so than other children.

We have tried talking to him, telling stories with morals, removing privileges, explaining we are disappointed, explaining the impact his behaviour has. Nothing makes a difference. I don't know why he is doing this - he loves praise so why would he jeopardise that? And I don't know how to help him. Is this selfishness and immaturity, or is he missing something whereby he can't really tell how his behaviour affects others? I would love some help working this out.

OP posts:

mycatstares · 13/10/2016 10:25

He just sounds like his over confident tbh.. which isn't a bad thing if he can try to control it.

Have you tried asking him how he would feel if he wanted to say something to you but you kept talking over him and didn't let him tell you?

His still young he'll probably grow out of it soon but until then just carry on trying to teach him to think of others first.

sohackedoff · 13/10/2016 10:28

Will probably get flamed for generalisation but he sounds like a typical 6 year old boy to me. More girls do the whole sharing, taking turns, acquiescence, reading people stuff earlier than boys and the school "model" requires those skills. He sounds typical.

BastardGoDarkly · 13/10/2016 10:30

I don't think he sounds typical tbh, what do the teachers think? Could there be anything underlying? ASD?

Original poster

smallable · 13/10/2016 10:38

Thank you for your replies.

I help at school and see that he is different from his cohort. He does sometimes ignore teachers if he doesn't want to do what they're asking. Ie: not coming in from playground on time because he wants to stay out there, or continuing to finish off his painting even though it's tidy up time. There's an element of him not really caring what the teacher thinks as long as he gets his own way.

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Original poster

smallable · 13/10/2016 10:43

If there is some mild ASD/ADD/ADHD/Autism there, I don't know what my next steps would be.

In a nutshell, I don't understand what makes DS behave like this so I don't know how to help.

I can't see what's in it for him. When he behaves well there are incentives. When he doesn't behave well, there are consequences and he knows we are disappointed which he doesn't like at all. So why is he continuing to jeopardise things for himself? He's bright and astute so all of this will occur to him.

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BastardGoDarkly · 13/10/2016 10:45

Have you spoke to his teachers? Directly? What do they think?

Original poster

smallable · 13/10/2016 10:54

I do speak to his teachers regularly. They have said he has no malice but seems to only see things from his own perspective. They haven't suggested anything other than talking to him at home and continuing to monitor his behaviour.

It would be easy for me to say this is just immaturity and empathy is the last part of the brain to develop and he is only 6. But other boys in his class seem far more emotionally mature. There is a difference there.

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Original poster

smallable · 13/10/2016 11:05

Bump. I would really appreciate some views and advice, thank you.

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Original poster

smallable · 13/10/2016 11:26

Another bump ...

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c3pu · 13/10/2016 11:33

At the age of 6 my eldest could be an absolute nightmare, zero empathy, not nice to others a lot of the time.

His mum was convinced there was something that needed addressing, went to the doctors a lot of times, and I totally understand why as it really felt like we were failing him. One doctor said, he's a little tyke but he'll probably grow out of it if you keep on trying to bring him up right.

4 years down the line, and the Dr was right. With some firm discipline and time, he's a lot better. Still a bit grumpy, but I expect he gets that from his mother :D

Original poster

smallable · 13/10/2016 11:57

Thanks for replying. I also feel that if there's something I can do to help I need to make sure I'm doing it.

I'm not sure whether really tough consequences are going to be helpful or detrimental (removing all of his toys?) We are going to give that a go next

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c3pu · 13/10/2016 11:59

I find the naughty step worked best for behaviour.

For specific areas (such as playing up at bedtime) reward charts worked wonders.

CharChar01 · 13/10/2016 12:01

My little boy was exactly the same at that age.

It seemed to be a real 'problem' phase whereby he was starting to find himself excluded from parties & group activities, he was constantly being sent out of the classroom for not behaving/ listening properly but could easily achieve what was expected of him when working out of the room & I was really upset & concerned about his School life & how it was panning out.
He too was an absolute angel at home so beyond talking to him about the consequences of his behaviour or how he was making other children feel I felt a bit stuck.
He is now 9 & that phase seems to have passed(Yay!!).

It really was just a maturity(lack of!) thing.

6 is still very young & you are only noticing his faults so intently because he is yours. Just persevere as you are & he will catch up :)

Foxysoxy01 · 13/10/2016 12:21

It sounds like some kind of outside assessment would be a good starting point just to either confirm or rule out any ADHD, ASD, Autism etc issues.
Then you have a far greater chance of succeeding in sorting the behaviour if you know it is caused by Autism, ADHD etc there is advice and guidance on how to deal with behaviour stemming from these issues.

Or if you find he doesn't have any ADHD etc issues you can maybe try exercises designed to help with learning empathy. I'm sure there will be some online resources and google will be your friend.

It may also be that he is just a little slower than some of the boys in his class to develop more empathetic behaviour and he will get there in the end.

I would say first stop is GP and rule out any underlying causes first.

Original poster

smallable · 13/10/2016 13:01

Thank you. That's encouraging Charchar! I live in hope. I do see much improvement between Reception and now ... he definitely progresses and things are certainly not as bad as they were. However behaviour b standards go up with each year in school and he is still behind his peer group. Extra frustrating because he is an older one in the year.

I'm going to look into outside assessment too.

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Saltedcaramel2016 · 13/10/2016 13:20

It is bizarre that he is so well behaved at home compared to at school. In a lot of children it is the other way round.

What do you think is so different at school? Could it be the noise and chaos that bothers him? Does he have a problem connecting to people outside of your family? Does he have any friends in his class?

Some of my son's friends who were a complete nightmare in infants seem very civilised now they are in year 5 so there is hope!!! They all progress at different rates in different areas but it is hard not to worry.

bigchangesabound · 13/10/2016 13:34

Is he quite bright? Could he just be bored at school and be needing pushed/challenged more? Or a bit of responsibility- book monitor/line leader... whatever they have at that age.

Original poster

smallable · 13/10/2016 13:59

He is bright, he can do the work very easily. However because he does things like fidgeting instead of listening, or taking forever to do handwriting, the teachers are not willing to give him extension work. His behaviour needs to come first. His handwriting is extremely neat but he doesn't like doing it because "it's boring".

He doesn't like connecting to people outside of the family if he doesn't have to. He can be introverted and happy in his own world but that's not because he is shy. He is over confident, just prefers not to interact with others sometimes. He has friends, but not good/best friends. He doesn't like noise and chaos at all, in fact he likes things to be very, very ordered.

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