AIBU to set up a housework rota with my husband?

[cirrus29]

We both work and kids are aged 4 and 1.5 yrs. He works 5 days a week 9 to 5 with a 10 minute commute and I work 3 days a week (8 to 6 usually, 8 to 8 when on call) and have a 40min commute but am also writing up my PhD thesis and revising a paper- viva is scheduled for April 2017!! I need my time in the evenings to write up and not be stuck with the dishes, laundry etc everyday. I feel almost sabotaged at the moment when he basically puts himself to bed once the kids are in bed! We have a cleaner weekly and the nanny does some light cleaning. I feel like we need some kind of written agreement so that on, say 2 evenings a week, the housework is his responsibility. Does anyone do this? Or am I mad to even consider it?

Or just don't do the housework and go to bed yourself?

With a cleaner and a nanny looking after the kids and light cleaning, what housework is there left to do?! IMO a cleaning rota sounds rather regimented, as if you're living in a student house (or prison!) rather than the family home. I assume the cleaner does the 'rough' work, and what's left should be split fairly between you following mature discussion rather than chore timetables.
Also it seems like a bonus that he goes to bed early. You can study for your PHD in peace.

What's left - laundry every other evening, washing up the dinner pots and pans (bits that can't go in dishwasher) lunchboxes, packing next day's lunch. Maybe I'm just too inefficient? Also we've no nanny the days I don't go to work, so evening is the only time I can write.

Ask him to create a rota. It is the only way that works imo.

Do not dictate it to him, or tell him everything that must be on there. Give almost zero guidance. He has to do the thinking about what needs doing and what is fair and reasonable. It's that handover of the housework thinking process that's the big change.

Don't think it's a good idea

Take turns for washing up evening meal, and I would do two loads of laundry on each of the days you're home.
It's odd that he is going to bed at 7(ish) each evening. Is he ok?

Buy pans that can go in the dishwasher. All mine do. No way am I having a dishwasher and washing up the worst things by hand.

I did have naice baking trays that I washed by hand 'to keep them nice' until I realised the futility of this. I now either put them in the dishwasher and will bin them if they get ruined or use disposable foil trays, bought cheaply from the pound shop etc.

I've never got on with Rota's (Lots of experience in shared houses!)
Me and DH have divided up the rooms in our house though. So, e.g: the living room is his and the kitchen is mine.
I find that a bit less regimented but still gives clear responsibilities to each party.

I find the idea of a rota quite sad.
I know one couple who do basically split all housework 50/50 and keep track of who does what and I much prefer my approach of just doing what you can when you have time, I don't want to feel guilty that DP did the cooking 6 of last 7 nights or whatever.

We have separate jobs. I would sit down down with him and write a list of all the just bs that need doing and ask him which ones he wants to make his responsibility.

I think the "having a rota is petty" "you should just all pitch in - that's how family works" type responses are generally a way of keeping women in their place - I never ever see this result in men doing more than their wives.

My DH & I don't have a rota, as such, but we have agreed which of us does which chores - that doesn't mean there's no give and take, if I get stuck at work on a day when I am supposed to be cooking, my DH will do it, etc, but it does mean that we know what is expected of us and my DH's chores take up no "head space" for me at all.

In your situation, I'd probably get him to do all of the food related stuff on your list - lunchboxes, washing pots/pans - and aim to get the laundry done on the days when you're not working (I get that looking after a 1.5 year old is obviously work but it's probably easier for you to do laundry as you're in the house more.)

How about you just try saying "right, now the kids are in bed I'll get on with packed lunches while you wash up".

Yanbu why men assume woman should do all the housework I'll never know. My DH works full time, I work evenings a few times a week ,and have the toddler all day. It's 50/50 he knew from day one I'm not a housewife and don't aspire to be.

So, you have about 30 minutes work on top of putting kids to bed? Can't one do the kids to bed and the other sticks the washing in and do then lunches? I put pots etc in the dishwasher.

When you work late do you come home to everything left for you?

We have a rota. Ive done the first 25 years.