Naughty spot? Best way to use it?

[cjt110]

We have started to use the naughty spot idea for our son who is 2 and it seems to be doing the trick. I did wonder this morning am I using it correctly or too much?

If he does something we have asked him not to do, say tip his beaker up, he gets told he is going on the naughty spot because we have told him not to tip his beaker up and he can stay there for a few minutes. Same with anything else he does that we have asked him not to do, throw, hit, kick etc. If he does an immediate action, as above, he gets put onto the naughty spot with an explanation.

If he is doing something which is constant/continuous, say refusing to brush his teeth, climbing to stand in his high chair, whining/crying for no apparent reason etc, e gets told that he needs to stop X behaviour (and why if applicable) and if not, he will be put on the naughty spot. If he continues after this warning he is put on the naughty spot.

He stays there for around a minute and we go in, explain again why he was placed there and ask for a hug.

The warnings seem to work most of the time and when he is put on the spot, it definitely does work in snapping him out of whatever behaviour he was doing.

This morning he refused on 4 occassions to brush his teeth when asked. he was warned each time he would be placed on the naughty spot and didnt brush his teeth so was on there 4 times in the space of around 10 minutes.

Am I using it in the best way?

I wouldn't use it at all. Use an actual relevant consequence if you need to use anything at all.

Your use of it is certainly excessive. I don't think your expectations of a toddler's behaviour seem realistic.

I don't punish for whinging and whining. Yes it's fucking irritating but I tell them I'm ready to listen when they talk in a normal voice. Then walk away and carry on with what I am doing. If they whine at me, I keep telling them to speak normally until they ask me properly. It's not naughty so doesn't warrant punishment. DD can be a whiner. She can go on and on and on. She can strop for a good hour. I completely ignore her until she stops. If she is really going for it I put her in her room until she stops and calms down (she is 5 so old enough to know).

Mine don't like me doing their teeth either. You have Brough back memories of DS having to be held down and having it done. It didn't take many times of doing that although his technique now leaves a lot to be desired. I've threatened to print out the decayed teeth picture and stick it up in the bathroom. He really doesn't like that idea! DD had to have her teeth brushed quite often before she got the message. She did in the end. Ours have timers as well. They seem to like using them and it's automatic now so at least we know they are doing them for long enough.

At 2 I'd go with the sticker chart route. Does he have a character toothbrush? Something he chose himself? May give him more of an incentive. Positive reinforcement is likely to have more effect. Other stuff like tipping drinks etc, just remove it with a "We don't do that." He'll learn. He's still very little.

HarryPottersMagicWand Good idea with the tone of voice thing.

And the sticker chart!

If he can't speak that well, then his whining and whingeing is part of communication, however irritating it is to you.

I wouldn't bother with this til the child is a bit older and can be sensibly put in time out and be genuinely sorry they did something (e.g. hitting, kicking).

If you use it too much, he'll practically be living on there!

So how would we encourage positive behaviour instead of punishing negative? I like the reward chart idea but wouldnt know if it would be suitable for his age or indeed, what we could encourage?

I read about 'normal' tone of voice in a parenting book. Idea was they make the connection that the whining voice is not normal so they should stop. Eventually. DD seems to have grown into whining rather than the other way around.

They'll learn. One day. I hope. DS is 8 and still persists in keeping on and on, he knows full well if he has an answer I won't change it. Doesn't stop him trying. I'd like tell you it gets better and they listen and learn but after having a very wilful child who doesn't give up, I can't do that.

Model the behaviour you want to see. So if he sees you being polite he'll copy you.

When he does something good, praise him.

Simples.

If he's messing with something (his cup or whatever) ask him not to. If he carries on ask him not to again and tell him that if he carries on you'll take the cup away. If he carries on take the cup away.

Sticker chart for his age is fine. Take him to chose the stickers he wants to put on it.

If he is tipping his drink, tell him to put it nicely on the table. If he is climbing, ask him to sit nicely on the chair. If he does them, praise him. If he doesn't then just take away/move him off. Not everything has to be an exercise in positive behaviour. It's just finding a balance between not treating everything as naughty. I've had GPs and ILS telling my DC off for stuff that is of no consequence. But then they see everything except blind obedience as naughty. It's taken me a while to get out of that mindset too and I'm still learning.

Pick your battles! Something I have to regularly remind DH of as he picks at every little thing and some things really don't matter.

Don't like the term naughty step and I think he's far too young for time outs particularly for as long as 10 mins. Tipping up a beaker is perfectly normal behaviour as is the whinging I'm afraid. I tend to find ignoring it is best, certainly not punishing feelings. We set clear boundaries around hitting etc and will remove our toddler from the situation if they are not adhering to them.

Mainly though it's about rewarding positive behaviour and yes a sticker chart does work for a 2 yr old just keep it simple and focus on a few key things like teeth cleaning.

HeCantBeSerious so like, item consequence - he throws a toy, gets warned not to, throws it again, it gets removed.

I say "sit on your bottom please" about 4 million times during an average dinner to my nearly 2 year old. He sits down and I say "oh good boy" and repeat a few minutes later.

It's a bit tedious but I can't imagine anything else (unless it frightened him maybe) would work any better. He'd just be moving back and forth from highchair to naughty spot all dinner time!

I found the ideas from "how to talk so kids will listen" pretty effective, sometimes spookily so. I think quite a lot of DS's upset is because he thinks i haven't understood (he doesn't really speak at all) and for ages I made the mistake of giving him that impression. So he'd stand at the freezer whining and pointing (he wants a lolly and he can't say lolly) and I would think mentioning "lolly" would make things worse so I'd be trying to jolly him onto something else. What works loads loads better for us is saying "oh you want a lolly but it's nearly lunch so it's not time for lollies". He's fine with that.

Or likewise I say things like "hmmm you're cross because you wanted to play with the lamp. i can see that looks like fun so I'm not surprised you're a bit sad but the lamp isn't a toy and we don't play with it." I know it sounds twatty but it works wonders with DS. I guess because instead of getting more and more furious that he can't make his stupid mum understand that he wants the lamp he can get on with dealing with his disappointment.

HeCantBeSerious so like, item consequence - he throws a toy, gets warned not to, throws it again, it gets removed.

More like

he throws a toy,

gets warned *asked nicely not to,

throws it again, gets asked more firmly not to (not angrily) and why (if appropriate) and what will happen if he doesn't

throws it again, it gets removed, explain again why and move on to something else.

And not all toy throwing will be bad behaviour. Only if it's dangerous, likely to get broken or hurt someone.

Splendide yes, it is spooky how well the How To Talk works. When I first read it dh thought it was going to be tosh but he saw it worked, like hypnosis, almost-then he read the book

We all ended up reading them, kids too as they grew up, as they are cartoony and quite funny. We now joke by saying the 'wrong' thing on purpose-like 'Why can't you eat nicely like your brother does?' ((Guaranteed to cause sibling hatred)

How to Talk is a great book. It can sound quite knobby doing some of the stuff but it can work really well. And it gets right away from the concepts of bad behaviour, good behaviour, punishment, reward.

How to Talk - I'll look that up :)