To think that the inlaws should care more about their grandchildren

[Strawberry90]

The inlaws live abroad but still we have three young DC and:

• they rarely call - most communication is through DH's younger sister who still lives at home
• they never Skype - they've done it once after much much hassling from us
• they never ever visit and expect us instead to visit them. FIL has never met youngest DC despite him being incredibly sick when he was born. MIL and SIL came over once whilst he was in hospital only.

Indeed FIL has never visited England despite DH living here for 8+ years there's no reason why he shouldn't come (can afford it has no health issues etc)

• they never send cards/letters etc and presents are rare and from SIL only. We didn't get a card or present from them for youngest DC being born (and as noted above they didn't visit only quickly once when he was in hospital) but they did transfer some money to our account (id have preferred a visit and a babygrow personally)!

They are basically not involved at all and don't know their own grandchildren. They seem not to really care although will often ask us when will we next visit them.
I've had enough of getting upset about it. I used to email photos to SIL but don't bother now. It's their loss but Aibu to expect more from them?!

I could have written this post about my PIL… even down to the SIL living at home (two in my case). Mine live 9h flight away but are pre retired have loads of money spend lots of time travelling etc. Have seen my DD once when she was 4m and once when we went to their country when she was 15m. She’s almost 2 and a half now. Makes me sad too.. Esp when I sent pics and they answer “she so beautiful, what I wouldn’t give to give her a cuddle” etc and I have to bite my tongue not to say “get on a bloody flight then!” We have a guest bedroom where they could stay (my SIL did for two months not long ago)… We both work full time shifts so difficult to have same holidays and be able to go to them. When DD was 4m they came for 3weeks and spent half the time “making the most of being nearby” and visiting other european countries. My own parents always ask me why they aren’t more arsed (only DGC in PIL family) and I struggle to answer. I go for the over dosing on sending photos calling them etc so the ball can never be put in my court when DD refuses to talk to them on the phone. Hugs xx

Yes, I think they should be more interested. But they are not. This type of lesson is one of the hardest I've learned in adult life - you can't hold other people up to the standards you set yourself. It won't make a difference and you only get upset People are different and allowed to be different, no matter how much you wish it wasn't the case.

Can you tell I've had similar? Not as extreme as your pil, but still hurtful. I've had to accept it and learn to 'let it go' as they are not technically doing anything wrong and I can't make them behave like I think they should.

Your dc won't be harmed, they will accept the way things are as they grow up.

Everyone is different, the popular consensus will be that they should but, I suppose it's a case of each to their own

YANBU to want your children to have a closer relationship with their grandparents of course, but you seem quite prescriptive and demanding, in that any contact is to your standards, i.e. skyping once a week and traveling to see to see you once a year, to which they don't meet. I don't think it is a case of not caring because they ask when are you next going to visit! Its just they seem to do it different to you! It is a shame they don't sent presents, is there a cultural or generational reason why they don't? As regards to travel, does your FIL like to flying/ferries etc? If not, I can understand his reluctance not to visit you. I have to say, being hassled to present myself on skype once a week to be regaled with domestic and juvenile minutiae on your summons would annoy and bore me in equal measure. I think you have to lower your expectations.

It's just one of those things, they are either all up in your business or don't give a flying fuck. That's families for ya. Their loss, that's what I say. Nothing to do about it.

Thanks everyone.
Hopeless - id take any kind of contact - that's just what I'd ideally think is good. ATM they contact at all other than very occasionally phone my OH (usually it's him phoning). Perhaps if they showed they cared more in other ways I could understand it more. The money gesture was good but I'm not I can forgive my FIL for not visiting my DS when he was so sick (or indeed at all).

Yes could be a cultural thing - that it's for us to make the effort not them - who knows.

Too much - yes exactly what I did too emailing photos etc and yep I'd get same lovely responses but as soon as I've stopped emailing the contact has stopped and they haven't ask for any. Just don't see why the effort should all be so onsided. Especially as they know we've had a tough couple of years so I think they should have stepped up a bit.

FIL isn't scared of flying just set in his ways...

Ps sorry for all the typos

My Mum calls me very day and I call her, but she doesn't speak to my db that often (he's in ME, I'm in Belgium), and we keep Mum up to speed with what's going on with the 'kids', all of whom are now adult, 2 at uni and one doing an apprenticeship.

The boys don't make a habit of calling their grandma, but are always pleased-ish to see her (ds gets a bit pissed off when she's here for weeks on end), and try to sit and chat with her whether that's here or in the ME when she goes to stay with db. He will back in UK next year, so he can have the daily call!

My parents don't call or visit and they only live 5 minutes up the road. My grandparents emigrated 15 years ago and have never replied to my letters (they can't do technology) nor phoned me, though they do phone my mother and I hear they miss me, like my photos and letters and bear me no ill will. I miss my grandmother terribly, to be honest. I thought we were very close when I was growing up. I am saddened my children will never know them.

Nowt you can do, really, some people just aren't that fussed about the whole grandparent thing.