To ask about how you feel when you're criticised

[mrsblackcat]

I am having a hard time and I feel very "got at" by DH. Feel nothing I do is right, feel like I'm constantly on the defensive .

The thing is a lot of what he says is true but although I am trying I feel under pressure. Then things come out and they are worse as I've tried to hide them.

I am wondering if it's me not taking criticism well.

How do you react when criticised?

I find when money is tight, everyone has different priorities. Re. the coffee and cake stuff, you should probably both set aside a bit of mad money that you can spend however you want. Does he justify every last penny he spends?

No, but I will concede I am the spender in the relationship.

It's as if he wants things done a certain way, and if they aren't, he gets angry.

I was coming on to say that I don't mind criticism when it's constructive and I can learn from it (after the initial thoughts of, "How dare you say that about my work; do you not realise how much effort I put into that?!") but having read your op and updates, that level of criticism would about me and I'd end up snapping. It doesn't sound fair or deserved; rather, it sounds like he thinks he's in charge and that you're there to do as he says. Apart from standing firm and telling him not to talk to you like that and to carry on as you are (if you really don't feel it's necessary or warranted) regardless, I'm not sure what you could do about it.

I'm not great with criticism. I'm initially angry and defensive, but then will usually digest it over time and take it on board if it's fair. However, I'm not sure that how you take criticism is the problem here. I can't think of the last time my husband criticised me (and I'm very far from perfect!). I'm not sure you should have to be finding ways to deal with fairly constant criticism and snipes from your OH.

OP, I feel defensive and attacked.

I will take it in a work environment, and then I expect it to be constructive.

I think partners should be very careful with criticism, even constructive criticism. Your close relationships should be nurturing and supportive. Not a boot camp. Some one who carps and criticises is unpleasant to be around.

You should not be putting up with this. It will grind you down. I am sure, in fact, you are a perfectly competent and lovely person.

I feel we've lost our way a bit. I don't think he realises how much he upsets me when he goes on, but then I have told him over and over and then HE ends up feeling criticised sigh.

Also I often find a conversation turns into me trying to justify myself. I feel I need space to become who he wants me to become.

You shouldn't have to justify yourself! Sheesh!
And you shouldn't have to make a monumental effort to become the person he wants you to be. What was wrong with the woman he married?

A lot, according to him

It's tricky from your posts to see whether this 'criticism' is of a normal level or if it is something more - where your DH is doing it a lot to the point it is affecting your emotional well-being. One is reasonable and one is not. Until we get a feel for what kind it is, I don't think we can be of help to you.

Would you be able to give a few examples/ scenarios including some of the actual words used?

It's genuinely hard to think of any off the top of my head. He just has very clear ideas of how things should be done, and if you don't adhere to them, he criticises.

Sorry, didn't mean to put you on the spot.

Does he do it in front of others and if so what is their opinion of it?

No, never in front of others :) Thanks.