AIBU to want my kids to learn their language of their home country?

[BowieFan]

Bit of background.

DS1 and DS2 are twins and are not from this country originally. We adopted them at birth from Bulgaria and they have been citizens here for all of their lives. In the past 18 months I've been trying to get them to at least go and have some Bulgarian language lessons so they can speak to their biological grandparents (whom we are in contact with) with more ease. They've been going but the teacher is now leaving and we're looking for somewhere else to have the lessons.

DS1 isn't that bothered to having more, DS2 just goes along with what he says. DP thinks it's up to them if they want to keep learning or not.

I'm firmly of the opinion that they should keep going. We're their parents but I don't want them to forget their heritage or be ashamed of it. I feel like in the future they might want to look into their bioligical family more and they might regret not learning the language in years to come.

AIBU or not?

Mine don't speak my language. They'll go to an intensive language course next summer and the younger ones might go on a camp afterwards.

MargoReadbetter

What language is that, if you don't mind me asking?

It's just that I've noticed my Israeli friends are teaching their kids hebrew from birth, but some of the Polish kids and Romanian kids I've taught don't know any of their language. From what their parents have told me, in a lot of those European countries there's a culture that you should learn English and try to do your best to disguise your original language. It's sad but I can see why they feel that way.

In our case it was just not feasible. DH is English and we speak English at home. I'd have loved mine to speak my language but it would have meant traipsing to central London to attend the school (after church, we don't go to church). Other local friends with children, all speak English only. It just hasn't happened. DS is 17 and only now is mildly interested. The DDs are younger, simply not bothered.

OP I started learning a language in uni, aged 18, and 3 years later I was fluent, to the point that when visiting the country the people there thought I was a native speaker! So you can become fluent even as a late starter.

What you are doing for your boys is lovely and I think that they will appreciate it in a few years' time. Unfortunately they are at a difficult age, where chances are they will reject anything that they felt they HAVE to do.

I would leave the door open with the lessons -have a taster session with a new teacher. Have you tried given them access to Bulgarian TV or music and clips / channels on YouTube? trashy stuff like that can be incredibly helpful with language skills. Bulgarian is grammatically simpler than other slavonic languages as well so don't let any mystique around "difficult languages" put you off.

Good luck!

Immersion is best, so a summer camp would be fab, but given they're now in GCSE years, I'm not sure it's the best idea, although I suppose a couple of weeks next summer would be good. Don't push it, OP, I have tons of EAL children at work and some of them have asked me not to speak in their language (I speak a few languages) because they want to be British! If they're speaking to GPS regularly, then they can keep it up that way. I don't think there is an official qualification they can do here.

Perhaps they could have Bulgarian friends on social media and ask them to only use that language to support their written/reading, although the text speak is pervasive in any language!

They do like some Bulgarian music (rap music!) and their GPs have got them interested in the local culture and food when they go to visit. DS1 made me some amazing Bulgarian food during the summer that his granddad taught him to make. DS1 taught his granddad about the British "delicacy" of cheese on toast

They've seen a couple of Bulgarian TV shows. There was one about some cops undercover in the mafia, which they were a bit young for but they loved (as did me and DP, actually) and they seem to have picked up a lot of stuff from that. We started watching the series with subtitles but by the end of the first series they'd picked up enough to be able to only use the subs for some of the bigger or tougher words.

I'm just pleased that they actually want to learn this stuff. When my mum tried to get me interested in Ireland (her birth country) I was just a bit ambivalent about it all, which I regret now.

They may change their minds when older. Ive got a nephew and neice in Germany (my SIL is German), they tried to teach them both English from an early age. My nephew speaks fluent English but my neice, at quite a young age, showed a complete lack of interest in learning it, she also actively resisted being sent to classes/being taught at home. When we go over she loves to chat, but it's conducted in my dodgy German and her smattering of English, my nephew usually acts as translator.

Yes we did think about sending them to a summer camp but the only one we could find was too far away from their GPs (they needed to have a legal guardian there to contact) for it to work, sadly. They do spend about 3 or 4 weeks of the summer with their GPs in Bulgaria though so just going to the shops and things will no doubt keep their basic skills up to scratch.

I think it's true that you're never too old to pick up language. GPs are 68 and 70 and didn't speak any English at all until about 8 years ago and now they're comfortable with it.

I am English and my dh is Spanish.
My dcs have attended Spanish classes since they were young dd1 and dd2 are fluent, but ds is not in the slightest bit interested in learning Spanish. However, he doesn't have a choice because I am determined that he will have to learn.
Learning a language is wonderful.
i would persevere

Thanks for that Areyoubeingserviced I suppose part of my conflict is that me and DP aren't Bulgarian and so if the time came in the future and they wanted to learn, they might not have anyone to help them. I feel confident enough though that they have picked up quite a bit of the language though. I hope they do want to continue but I don't want to force them. As a PP said, the biggest battle is getting them interested in their culture but they love that aspect, hence why I've placed quite a bit of emphasis on the language part.

I agree that usually it isn't good to ensure a child does a particular extra curricular activity, but in this situation i feel different.
The purpose is not to just 'learn a foreign language', like we do in school and then never go on to use again in most cases. It's so they can speak to their biological grandparents (whom we are in contact with) with more ease

For this reason, i think you should actively encourage them to keep up with the lessons. It might not be 'fun' right now, but it will get easier the more they practice with their biological family.

They have a multi-cultural identity and learning Bulgarian will help them explore that.

Yes, I think that's where my conflict comes from. But it's hard to push that line when their GPs are learning English. I might try the "well your GPs learned English for you" line but I'd feel guilty.

I'm just happy they have the relationship they do with their GPs. It was a very tough decision for them to let them be adopted at such a young age but they realised it was the best option as they wouldn't be able to look after them as well as their daughter (DC's biological mother) as she had some health issues both mentally and physically.

That's why I want them to have that connection to their culture. I never wanted them to be ashamed of where they come from. Which they aren't thankfully. They are genuinely as proud to be Bulgarian as they are to be British, which is lovely. At least their first experience of Bulgaria hasn't been Sunny beach!

Have you thought about a Bulgarian au pair, I know it's a no they expense and space etc. My English friend has German au pairs as she cannot get a grip on the language and her German DH is working a lot. She speaks to the au pairs in English and helps them with their language and they speak to kids on German.

It never occurred to us, actually. Although I suppose 14 is a bit too old for that now.

I've just had a cursory google and there's a Bulgarian Interests group in the nearest city to us which provides a meeting place for Bulgarian immigrants, families with adopted Bulgarian children and has a general interest in the culture etc of Bulgaria. I think it might be a good idea to start taking them to that. They might meet some friends there who they could have more regular contact with.

it's hard to push that line when their GPs are learning English

What does that have to do with anything? If they dc want to embrace their full identity then they need to understand that their 'mother tongue' is just as important in their lives as the english language.

Don't let them get sucked into that attitude of how 'others' should be expected to make all the effort. I hear and see that kind of prejudiced attitude all the time - usually aimed at 'foreigners'.

Plus i bet it's tougher for the gp's to learn english than it is for the dc to learn a new language. If they can make that effort for their dc then the dc can do the same. Have they ever talked to their biological gp's about this? Maybe having that discussion will help them understand?

If they continue learning both languages then it makes things easier for all of them all round.

Yes that's my feeling as well. But you know what teenagers are like, they see their grandparents learning English and feel their work is done! I am thinking of pushing the "well your GPs learned English for you, why don't you learn a bit more Bulgarian for them?" line.

Yes I've mentioned it to their GPs. Their GPs have said that, of course, they would love them to learn Bulgarian more but it's up to them. I think it might be good if their GPs spoke a bit about the history of the place. The DCs know what went on but it might be good for them to hear about how their granddad lived through a regime which tried to erase a lot of his heritage (he was a Turk) in Bulgaria, so they might feel differently if they know how hard their granddad worked to keep that part of his heritage alive.

I wouldn't push it. Especially not at an expense of other activities they could be doing.

Everything you are already doing sounds spot on. It's not really clear what identity they have, are they multi-cultural when you and your husband are not Bulgarian, or are they British with a Bulgarian heritage? If one of their grandparents is a Turk, presumably his first language is Turkish, not Bulgarian.

All I'm saying is that if you have created a positive feeling towards their heritage, and that is something very valuable. A lot of children who are born or move to the UK from different countries do struggle with this, as when they go back they are not fully the old identity, yet they are 'foreign' here somehow. If they have a strong sense of self, plus love spending 3/4 weeks a year with their grandparents, I really don't think you could wish for more than that (most teenagers would balk at that).

Learning Cyrillic is not such a big deal though, it will take weeks not months, so if you want to get them to do that, so it makes it much easier when they are there. Then they can increase fluency if and when they spend more time there.

Not to put you off, but we did do a special interest group (for a different language) but one of mine really pushed back against spending precious weekend time hanging out there. She isn't interested in meeting people just because they come from the same country. Would you want to go to a special interest group for English people if you lived abroad? I think it's a personal preference, and I think you are needlessly worrying about their identity when you have really done quite a lot. Teenagers generally don't want to hang around doing folk dancing or speaking stiltedly to other children they don't know. One of mine likes it, one of mine just doesn't engage, yours may be different though!

I was adopted at birth to a British Indian family (birth parents are South East Asian). I personally wouldn't have wanted to learn the language of birth parents or meet their parents, and would have felt hurt had my mum suggested it. I think maybe have a talk to see exactly why they've decided to stop, and if they might want to go nc with the gp.

BountybarsyUK

They were born in Bulgaria. Me and DP don't have any Bulgarian heritage. Their granddad was born and raised in Bulgaria but his parents were Turks and taught him all their heritage.

Thank you for your kind words, I'm so proud of them as people as well as them being my sons. I agree with you that I was surprised they want to spend so much time with their GPs (I certainly wouldn't have done at their age) but they love it.

I do think they feel very multi-cultural. They see themselves as very British in lots of ways but are very proud of their Bulgarian side. The world cup was challenging for them!

I'm glad we've been able to create an environment where they feel they can express both sides equally - that was always our intention for them. Like you said, a lot of kids lose part of their identity but still feel like foreigners.

FleurThomas

We didn't just throw the kids into it. They started to ask us questions when they were 6, things like why they didn't look like us much and things like that. DS1 knew I think but DS2 we had to explain about how we had picked them to be our children (we tried to do it in friendly terms, didn't mention 'adopted') and then slowly over time they started to ask questions about family, and we asked them if they wanted to meet their GPs (we had been in contact with them all this time). GPs were quite prepared if they didn't want to. Kids wanted to meet them and when they were 8 they did. They got on like a house on fire and love all three sets of their GPs equally.

If they hadn't wanted to meet them, that would have been fine. I certainly wouldn't have forced them into it.

I think the "why they've decided to stop" thing is a bit wrong. They haven't decided to stop - the centre they go to is closing and we're looking for alternatives. Neither of them have said they want to stop going but I know DS1 would rather play more football and DS2 will just go along with what his brother does.

I'm sorry that you felt that way about your birth family. I know it's not the same for everyone but I'm really pleased that my lads have been able to have that relationship with their birth family. GPs and us have made it clear that we chose them, which is why they mean so much to us, and the adoption wasn't about them not being loved by their birth family, but because they were giving them the chance of a better life. Their GPs have been incredibly supportive of us as a family and I consider them to be a part of my family too.

Our lads have never asked about their birth mother but I think they sense that the relationship wasn't a happy one between their GPs and their birth mother, despite them looking after her until she passed away.

I do think it is sad when people have a good opportunity to learn a language, and don't take it - but then I am a linguist by inclination and training. Could you perhaps point out to them that having a second language will help their CV's stand out, and make them more employable? Also, I think they may well regret not taking the opportunity they had in later life.

By the way, the best way to learn a language is through immersion, and best of all to get a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Would their CV's stand out if their second language is Bulgarian? Not to be mean, but it's not the same as learning Spanish, Russian or Chinese, which are spoken world-wide. If they've done a couple of years already, plus spend most of the summer there as well, the question is is it worth keeping up the intensive training here, when the main people they communicate with, and they need the language for, they can, which is the grandparents.

I would talk to them, surely they are old enough to be able to see the pluses and minuses of continuing to go every week or whatever to learn the language? My guess is you aren't asking as you are a bit worried they would say 'no' or not be bothered, and so then it comes down to whether this is a put your foot down moment (which it might be for some families) or whether actually it's fine for them not to continue.

I'm an MFL teacher so generally I would encourage learning languages but I still wouldn't push it too hard especially when it's related to questions of identity/adoption. Maybe you could speak to each DC separately to ask if they would like to carry on?

It is easier to learn a foreign language when you're young, but this "critical age" is generally thought to end somewhere between 6 and 12 (depending on the theorist) so I don't think there would be a massive difference between them learning now or learning in their 20s or later.

If they don't want to carry on with classes, or you can't find other classes locally, you might be able to find something more game-based online. I don't think Duolingo has Bulgarian but there might be an equivalent. Or maybe a tutor could give Skype lessons - I know that they Skype their GPs but a tutor would maybe help with more structured elements, e.g. Grammar, if they're interested in that.