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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do you hold down a job when your baby picks up constant bugs from nursery?

48 replies

MazeMap · 09/10/2016 08:09

He's 14months and has been at nursery 5 months. Every couple of weeks he picks something up: colds, coughs, fever, conjunctivitis, sickness bugs. The latest D&V bug hit all of us and I've had back to back colds and chest infections since August. I'm so tired of being ill and struggling. On days I'm alone with DS I count the hours to bedtime.

I love my job and don't want to give it up. DH helps where he can but has a longer commute.

My boss has been understanding so far but if I were in her position I'd be getting fed up. My frequent absences have already caused problems with the teams. I keep getting called by nursery halfway through the day to pick him up, sometimes 2 or 3 weeks in a row!

OP posts:

TheUnseenAcademic · 09/10/2016 09:33

Just to echo all the 'it will get better'... I started to panic about this when my LO was ill on a near monthly basis when he started nursery, but it got much better after 8/9 months and I think he's now only been properly ill only once in the last 15 months (just turned 4).

trilbydoll · 09/10/2016 09:37

You need to share it as much as possible - even if you go and get dc, your DH comes home too and you can go back to work.

We used to do split shifts to cover a day off - DH did 6am-9am then I went to work 10-3 then he'd go back to work 4pm-8pm.

DH's boss used emergency agency nannies if their nanny was ill, I suspect that's a very expensive option though. If you look at what you're getting for your £45 a day it's pretty good value - presumably they're open 8-6 and all meals are included? A nanny is going to be twice that hourly rate, plus employers NIC/pension, plus meals, plus kitty for activities.

Basicbrown · 09/10/2016 09:38

It does get better. Bizarrely then my second child was hardly ever ill and I had also built up my immunity by then so neither was I.

And in the mean time DH needs to step up. A 1.5 hour commute is no reason that he can't take a day off, or come home and relieve you so you can get back to work. Looking after sick children is not automatically wife work.

NightNightBadger19962 · 09/10/2016 09:59

Ours were ill lots for the first two years in nursery, then luckily have not had many days off nursery or school since, so it can be a short term issue. I always made sure we shared time off - even if DH can't pick up in an emergency, he can stay off the next day - and we did this on the basis not only of half and half, but also who had the most pressing diary committments at work. I always offered to take unpaid leave or holiday, or do some work from home if there was a way I could be useful while still looking after a sick child. Or to make up the hours at another time. But I did have a very understanding boss, and I did always stay productive as an employee.

DeliciouslyHella · 09/10/2016 10:02

Also to chip in with the 'It will get better' crew. DD has been in nursery since June and was ill continuously for the first couple of months. She's now done 6 weeks without a day off ill and it feels like a miracle!

I would definitely agree that the load has got to be shared more equally. Work will be more understanding if they know they're only dealing with the fallout 50% of the time.

lionsleepstonight · 09/10/2016 10:10

All I can add is that it does get better as his immunity builds up, and by the time he's been there a year to 18 months the need for time off lessens (but does not ever go away completely). The biggest pain I found was the need for 48 hours clear after a sickness or DV bug. if you could share that with DH that could help your absence from work. I was in the same situation as you and started to appear on absence triggers at work, I was honest and nothing ever came of it as it naturally died off. Just keep thinking, what you are going through now, won't happen when he starts in reception, and all the kids that went to CM or stayed at home start to go through the same thing....

JsOtherHalf · 09/10/2016 10:21

Yep, first few months of nursery were difficult. I remember DH coming home at lunchtime once, I was at the front door waiting for him...I had a meeting to go to, do he took some work home.

29redshoes · 09/10/2016 10:22

You need to find a way to share with DH. Ok, he has a long commute so can't do emergency pick ups, but when your DS has to have the whole day off nursery then by default it should be your DH who stays at home to look after him.

Beetlecrusher · 09/10/2016 10:32

I have the same problem, but my DP is a teacher and can't take the time off. My work are (quite rightly) getting pissed off with me taking the time off when they know I have a partner. Why do the little buggers never get sick in the school holidays?!!

AbyssinianBanana · 09/10/2016 10:37

All this sharing advice is useless to the OP. They could both be out of jobs if both of them have excessive absences. I'd try a childminder. Ours didn't get very ill at all at childminders but as soon as they began nursery at a later age, they went through it. Suppose it's better than getting ill every few weeks once they start reception.

AntiHop · 09/10/2016 10:43

You could register with a couple of childcare agencies that can provide emergency childcare, at a price.

Does the nature of your work allow you to work from home so you could do some work while he's ill? could you pre-emptively accumulate some toil to use if you're job allows that? Are you entitled to unpaid carer's leave?

Basicbrown · 09/10/2016 11:00

I have the same problem, but my DP is a teacher and can't take the time off

Sorry but he can. Emergency leave is a legal entitlement. Some teachers are single parents or both parents are teachers. It might be difficult and he hasn't got annual leave he can move around but other people do.

Basicbrown · 09/10/2016 11:02

They could both be out of jobs if both of them have excessive absences.

True but if it's shared it will be less absence. There are just so many couples where the woman does it all (even if she is a teacher

29redshoes · 09/10/2016 11:17

Agree with basic.

itlypocerka · 09/10/2016 14:03

Would it lessen the problems at your work if you were only gone for the time it takes for DH to get home?

Obviously as a pp said DH should be doing all the days when you know from waking up that DS is ill. Or are you taking him in to nursery anyway on those days and keeping fingers crossed that he lasts the day?

FleurThomas · 09/10/2016 15:19

As you're using holiday then there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty or worry about work, especially since your manager is understanding. I do think that a nanny might be a good option though.

gonzo155 · 09/10/2016 15:23

Basic, the emergency leave for teachers is so they can arrange alternative childcare e.g. have the rest of the afternoon off but someone else needs to be looking after the child the next day.

LostAtTheFair · 09/10/2016 15:35

OP my DH and I couldnt share either so we moved DS out of nursery and hired a nanny. Much more expensive but DS is so much happier with this arrangement. A reputable childminder would also be a good option. Bear in mind that you are only starting into cold/flu/bug season so it is likely to continue for a while unless you move your DC. Best of luck - it's really not easy

Moonpuddle · 09/10/2016 15:35

It must be really hard. It's a problem that must effect a lot of people.

I'd suggest carrying in being really honest and working as hard as you can when you are at work. Work through lunch etc if you can. You just want to show them that you are appreciative of your company being flexible. Do you have flexible working hours? However tempting it might be don't take sick leave for yourself unless it's genuine.

DH has a lot of people working with young kids some take the mickey and others dont. He says he can guess which category people will fall in before they have kids. He is more than happy for people to have time off for genuine reasons. I'm sure lots of other employers are the same.

I used to work in a job share job with another women with young kids. We also shared our childminder. Our fantastic employer allowed us to switch our days around if the kids were sick. It worked seamlessly.

MerylPeril · 09/10/2016 15:36

I worked in local authority office and my (childless) boss told me emergency leave was to arrange alternative childcare.
I would love to know where this 'alternative childcare' exists when you have a child with D&V and no family nearby

Basicbrown · 09/10/2016 17:31

Basic, the emergency leave for teachers is so they can arrange alternative childcare e.g. have the rest of the afternoon off but someone else needs to be looking after the child the next day.

So what is a single parent with a vomiting child meant to do exactly? They take the time off, I do have experience of teaching myself and teachers DO take time off because children are ill. The above also does not stop the poster's DH from doing exactly that, leaving work picking sick child up and then she looks after the child the next day. AKA sharing the burden

wheresthel1ght · 09/10/2016 18:41

We have the same issue. Dp works nights so cannot leave a toddler with him after a 14 hour night shift until he has had some sleep. My work are not understanding at all. My fil is 85, deaf, reduced mobility and too ill to look after a vibrant toddler, my parents both still work full time.

Dp and I so split it where we can but it is not always possible. Dd is imuno suppressed due to meds so picks up everything going.

To make matters worse I don't get paid if I have to take EL or if I am sick. It is an area that needs real focus if they want mum's back in work

Blankiefan · 09/10/2016 19:10

Everyone previous is correct:

Make sure you share evenly with DH - and make sure your boss knows this (so, days each - which lessens the impact than you being off for 3 or 4 days on the trot)

It'll get loads better next year. We had a mare in DD's first year. All the normal bugs and three bouts of impetigo due to really bad eczema. Couldn't tell you the last time we were off two years later. (Tho saying that is the kiss of death and she was sniffing loads tonight!!)

As a final thought - this is going to happen when DC are first introduced to a wider population. So if DC was not in nursery now then first year of school would be rocky. At least when you have a relative newborn, most bosses have a bit more sympathy!!

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