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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I really don't know anymore. .

19 replies

charlie2405 · 08/10/2016 19:40

Me and DH are at loggerheads at the min. We have just found out we are pregnant with number 3 ( unplanned). I have had lots of pregancy rage this time but he seems to be annoying me more and more. It's come to a head tonight and I'm not sure if it's just me. I'm sick of his drinking which has been getting worse the last year but now I'm not it's more obvious I think. He's getting through a four pack.of cider and a bottle of wine a night. He also goes to the pub after work a few times a week too. He's pissing me off as our DD who's two has been sleep regressing and I'm up every night and morning at stupid oclock despite working full time and him supposedly working part time. He's literally working every day I'm off but I don't see any more money as he spends it on booze. He says I'm making it shit to come home and he doesn't think he can stop. He doesn't care he has issues with alcohol. I'm so stressed at the min too and have terrible nausea and I really don't know if I can go ahead with the 3rd pregnancy with him being like this. Then again he tells me it's me and that I'm always disappointed in him which is making him.as he is. So AIBU?

OP posts:

deadpool99 · 08/10/2016 20:29

YANBU. He's drinking way too much! Him telling you that's it's you bring disappointed in him that's making him like this is what abusive men do. He needs to sort his drink problem out and start taking responbility and help you out

elodie2000 · 08/10/2016 22:01

He's blaming you for his drink problem? Phone AA and talk to someone. It all sounds awful OP.

user1471544305 · 08/10/2016 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CalleighDoodle · 08/10/2016 22:23

Lost my post

Basically, it is because youre pregnant that you cant ignore his alcoholism anymore. It is him who you need rid of.

Kurtiz · 09/10/2016 00:08

So he has been doing this for a year and it's only now you want to address it? Clearly not that bad as you're still having sex with him. Personally I'd not want to sleep with someone who keeps family money for themselves to get pissed on and who takes no responsibility for being a father.

The understanding and support on here sometimes just brings tears to my eyes...

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 09/10/2016 00:19

It's addict bullshit to blame someone else for their behaviour. It's a way to not take responsibility for his own actions. I'd recommend you phone one of the support numbers for family members of addicts/drinkers. And, think hard whether you can accept him as he is in your and your children's lives.

Ohdearducks · 09/10/2016 00:23

Fuck off user
OP you're in an abusive relationship, you need rl support, please call women's aid for advice. His alcoholism is not your fault, he's using you. are you ready to end this relationship? You need to for your DD, yourself and your unborn child.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/10/2016 00:27

He is an alcoholic. He is a cocklodger. He is draining you.

Get in contact with Al-Anon.

leaveittothediva · 09/10/2016 00:34

This is a disaster. You have two children and one on the way. He needs to get his head in the game. Has he no family that could give him a straightner. He needs AA Pronto. He is an alcoholic, don't let him tell you he's not, the unfortunate thing here is that while he's drinking, he doesn't give a rats arse about you or the children, it's all about the booze. I'm surprised he's still employed to be honest. Best case scenario is if he'd leave. I doubt that will happen. I'd have serious doubts that you can handle this alone in your condition, and the children witnessing it. You need intervention of some sort. Can you not call on a friend or family to help you. If he doesn't admit to being an alcoholic and needing help, then you need to start again on your own. Even living with a recovering alcoholic is challenging at the best of times. Growing up with an alcoholic for a parent isn't a childhood I'd choose, but I wasn't given a choice.

Original poster

charlie2405 · 09/10/2016 07:08

Thanks for the replies. I went to bed early last night as he got worse calling me everything under the sun then wanting to 'make up'. I actually left him last year due to his drinking but stupidly thought he'd changed for real. He seems to have got worse since we found out about the pregnancy tbh. He has only just started earning more too as before he did only work 12 hrs a week so he couldn't go out as much.
He admits he has problems with alcohol but thinks because he is employed and can keep a job it's not an issue. I've told him the fact he can't get up through the night cause he is comatosed and that he's horrible to be around during his hangover plus not being able to go one night without drinking says he's an alcoholic.
I think I do share some blame as I have always managed to run the house and work full time and look after the kids regardless. It's the fact that I'm so.tired from this pregnancy that has shown me I can't carry on with no support. He told me he's here because he has nowhere to go and because he loves his kids last night. I'm so sad for my kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

charlie2405 · 09/10/2016 07:14

Leaveit he comes from a family who have drink issues. His sister is just as bad and neglects her children to go boozing. Last time I asked her for help she told me I was running her brothers life for him and should let him.go to the pub whenever he wants! despite us having small childen and a Morgage. His parents don't know how bad it is as they liveaway and always have done, no support from there. My parents live close and we're thrilled that I left him last year not impressed when I took him back. No one knows about the pregnancy even though I'm 11 weeks as I can't get excited and know that my parents will be so disappointed. What makes me laugh regardimg the post above is that we barely have sex as he falls asleep on the couch drunk most nights. However it's my fault we don't according to him!

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 09/10/2016 11:03

Charlie he isnt just telling you through his actions that he doesnt give a shit about you, he has actually now told you.

Phone your parents to come round and help you get him out. Phone the groups mentioned above. See your GP tomorrow. He will deatroy you and damage your children. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.

Huppopapa · 09/10/2016 18:07

charlie. Leave. Please. Drink is a terrible disease. Over the last 20 years I have worked with families, drink is one of the saddest afflictions as it is so difficult to overcome. The situation you describe cannot be resolved unless and until your DH is motivated to do it. Perhaps splitting will provide that, but I suspect he will prefer drink to his family.

formerbabe · 09/10/2016 18:26

I think I do share some blame as I have always managed to run the house and work full time and look after the kids regardless

Wow! What I have just read is that you think it's your fault for no longer being physically able (due to pregnancy) to be a skivvy for him. You are not to blame. If you work full time, why on earth are you also shouldering all household stuff?

Linds53 · 09/10/2016 19:23

Charlie it sounds as if your parents will be only too pleased to have you home and I think you know that you need to leave. I've been there and know how difficult it is to make such a life changing decision, but you do need to make it for your own sake and your children's. He is blaming you so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his drinking. You will get no support or sense from a family of alcohol abusers so don't even go there. As alanon will tell you, you didn't cause this and nor can you control or cure his drinking. Your best bet is to step away from the madness and the drama and if he recovers on his own that is great. If not, you will be so much happier without him. Good luck Charlie x

Soubriquet · 09/10/2016 19:31

He isn't going to change

All this arguing will cause you to become more and more resentful

Tell him to buck his ideas up or leave.

redexpat · 09/10/2016 20:15

I will add my voice to the chorus of leave. He is a functioning alcoholic. He knows it. We know it. You know it. The sooner you separate the sooner you can get on with your life.

blueturtle6 · 09/10/2016 20:27

Hi OP I know it is difficult,and you have hormones rushing about atm, but o think you do need to leave him. It sounds like your parents will be supportive and they have a handle on what he's like.
You say that his family are the same, do you want that cycle to continue to your children. If you won't leave for your sake leave for them. Mumsnet is (mostly) a great place for private support. Just ignore some above posters. Good luck with all the decisions you have ahead

Dinosaursgoboo · 10/10/2016 02:47

YANBU you must kick him out. I grew up with an alcoholic father who wasn't quite as bad as your DH, but it was horrible at times. Enlist your parents' help and get it done now, while you're heading to the 2nd semester.

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