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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a precious brat?

58 replies

TempNickNameForThisPost · 08/10/2016 17:38

We are going on holiday next week for one week. My birthday is on one of the days.
I had planned for the three of us (DH and DD) to do something for my birthday.
I've since found out my sister and her family are coming to the same holiday spot for two days.
One of these days is my birthday. Now we are meant to be doing things with them on both days. I like my sister but she is never on time for things and we have to wait around for her and her family to go anywhere and I always end up looking like an uptight misery when I want to make the most of our time away. She always laughs off her lateness saying she is "laid back".

I know I'm being a precious idiot but I really wanted to do the planned activity on my actual birthday. We have now changed it to another day.

What I would really like to do is just say no I want to do things with my husband and daughter on my birthday but I know I will look like a mardy cow.

Also it's taking up two days of our holiday and I'd really just like to spend time just the three of us. We rarely get the chance to all be together what with school/work etc.

I don't know what I want to actually ask now. After writing it all out I know I look like a knob...
If I'd known they were going this week I would have picked a different week for holiday tbh.

OP posts:
HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 08/10/2016 18:04

Why would you wait for them until 10:15 if the agreement was 9:30? Stop being a pushover - or they'll just keep taking advantage.

Instead, you wait 15-20 minutes, and then go off and do your own thing. If they say anything, you just say "you didn't show up so we assumed you weren't coming".

And don't chase them by text etc. If they have a valid reason to be late they will contact you.

Original poster
TempNickNameForThisPost · 08/10/2016 18:05

Sandsnake this is what I thought. I personally don't like spending my holiday with others (can you tell?!) and thought they would want to do things themselves too.

PurplePidgin I might try that (if I can muster up the courage). I sound like such a drip. I'm not with anybody else. Just her.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/10/2016 18:06

Do what you want on your birthday in the day with your family & meet her & family for an evening meal?

She's not laid back btw, imo she's rude.

Does she go to work, Drs, dentists on time, take kids to nursery/school on time?

If so then she doesn't think enough of you to make the effort.

And blaming you is just the icing on the cake!

Original poster
TempNickNameForThisPost · 08/10/2016 18:09

Need to get tea organised I'll be back later. Thanks thought. It's nice to "talk" about this.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 08/10/2016 18:09

YANBU, that would drive me crazy too. I actually enjoy spending time with other families on holiday, but I hate massively waiting for people.

Is it possible just to do one thing with them on your birthday itself, and make it an activity where you 'll meet them there, so if you go to a farm park or something similar, it doesn't matter if they are late as you'll be there already.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 08/10/2016 18:12

Hell no!

Let her tell people your up tight! It's not fair she has done this. Stick to your guns. I hate it when you continuously have to change plans because other folk are flakey and 'laid back', I've actually backed out of something this weekend because of something like this.

Stick to your original plans!! This don't be the last time you ever spend with her!

NeedABanner · 08/10/2016 18:12

You're allowed to be pissed off. I would be. Did they book knowing you'd be there? If they did it's bloody rude gate crashing someone else's holiday. Your sister seems to have the knack of blaming you when it's her. Stop listening too her 'you're uptight' shit & start telling her that her behaviour is rude.

Sometimes you can't do what you want on your actual birthday, but when you can, then of course YANBU to do precisely that. I used to go away for my birthday, every year... (I worked for myself from home & it was good to really get a break) but I now work somewhere that I can't take time off as & when, so I end up not only not going away, but working long hours to boot! I accept it, but it's still bloody annoying 😖😁. I don't care what anyone says, I don't want to go away on another date 'for my birthday' because it's sodding well NOT my birthday, it's just a weekend away.

That was catharic. Thank you for the venting space 😬

snakesalive · 08/10/2016 18:13

Life is to short to suffer fools..be busy and stick to it..

TeenAndTween · 08/10/2016 18:14

We often meet with another family who don't keep to time.
We arrange to meet in the attraction and say call us when you arrive, so we don't waste time hanging around. Makes me much less stressed.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 08/10/2016 18:15

YANBU.

I hate lateness. It isn't "laid back", itbis selfish and rude. Cancel your plans with DSis. Do something lovely with DH and DD.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2016 18:16

Your sister doesn't sound laid back at all. Laid back people accept that others plans can't always fit in with their own. They also don't pressure or bully others. My sil and brother pretend I'm the uptight one as well if I object to fit in with their plans exactly.

I would either say we are doing x on my birthday. See you there/meet at x time. Then if they're more than 15 mins late, send a text to say going on ahead, see you there. Or you are unfortunately only available 1 of the 2 days and agree to go out for dinner.

RandomMess · 08/10/2016 18:17

Why don't you go back to your original plans and just have dinner together on your birthday?

Tell her to meet at 6.30 and book the table for 7.15pm and if she's still really late just order and start eating without them?

DixieWishbone · 08/10/2016 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cary2012 · 08/10/2016 18:21

My best friend is always, always late. The subliminal message is that her time is more important than mine. After waiting in a cafe for over an hour the other week I left and went home. She was really annoyed and sent me a text saying 'where are you, you know what I'm like, etc etc''.

I texted back saying I'd had enough, and that from now on I'd give her 10 minutes grace, then I was going to get on with my day. She seemed put out, but tough. We're all busy, we all have stuff to do, it's life.

I do think some people who are always late get a kick out of seeing how much they can mess people around. Stand your ground. Agree to meet her but say you won't wait longer than 15 minutes because you have a lot of stuff planned. Then stick to your guns.

People can only mess you about if you let them.

RepentAtLeisure · 08/10/2016 18:22

Just don't wait for her, and don't meet for things. Say 'maybe we'll see you at breakfast' instead of 'we'll wait for you'. And I assume that with two families you'll have separate transport? You'll have phones, just do things at your pace and let her find you when she turns up.

MidnightVelvettheSixth · 08/10/2016 18:22

You need to be more assertive, stop letting her boss you around. I have a family member who's always late & I know that creeping fucking resentment & watch glancing when everyone else has made the effort to be on time!

I would change the activity back to your birthday. I know full well that on mumsnet there are thousands of people who never celebrate an adult birthday but I expect to celebrate mine & clearly so do you & that's normal & doesn't make you a precious idiot at all. Change your activity back, tell your sis that you weren't able to change the day in the end, what a shame & yes you would have liked to have seen her on your birthday but you will see her on the other day & won't that be fab etc

Chances are that if her lateness irritates you then it irritates others & they will applaud you making a stand & won't see you as mardy etc. But stop worrying what everyone thinks of you & trailing behind in your sister's wake. Leave her to catch up, it won't kill her.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 08/10/2016 18:24

I think I'd go with what is agreed now and celebrate the birthday on another day. It's not a problem if I don't celebrate on the actual day.

I get the feeling you don't like your sister and don't want to spend time with her? You have the rest of the holiday to spend with your son and husband.
Are you not looking forward to seeing her at all? What about your nieces/nephews? Would your son enjoy playing with them?
It might turn out to be really enjoyable.

I find it slightly odd that by coincidence, your sister is at the same resort as you, on your birthday. Do you think she is planning some sort of amazing birthday surprise? Shock

Oldraver · 08/10/2016 18:25

I think you need to go back to your original plans. The state to your DS that we are doing x at y time etc and you are welcome to join us.

If they are late move on.

What happens then when they are late, say by an hour to breakfast...do you wait for them or just carry on ?

rookiemere · 08/10/2016 18:30

I don't think it's particularly precious to look forward to spending your actual birthday celebrating by having a lovely holiday day with your DH and DC.

Precious would be expecting other people to join in an activity they don't want to do, or pouting if you don't get the gift you want.

Out of the two of you your Dsis sounds like the only precious one.

dailybabystuff · 08/10/2016 18:32

If you move your birthday plans a couple of days ahead then, in the world of birthday logic, you will officially be the age you are now for two more days. Can't be bad! I don't know how old you are, but I have "moved" my birthday many times and somehow survived.

Discobabe · 08/10/2016 18:32

Yanbu. I'd keep your birthday plans for a day they aren't around to spoil them though. If she's late on your days together just crack on with what you planned at the times you planned. If she says you're uptight just laugh it off "oh well that's me for you". You are definitely not uptight btw, being continuously late is rude, obnoxious and selfish. When you stop waiting she'll either start arriving on time or stop making plans with you...win win?

dailybabystuff · 08/10/2016 18:34

Reading your message again, this seems to be more about you and your sister than birthdays...you feel steamrollered over and over again. That's bigger than a birthday.

Joanna0685 · 08/10/2016 18:35

Just say you were there, which you will be but she wasn't so you carried on with your day assuming she had made a mistake in her diary or something. You need to make her realize it is not acceptable behavior, be very laid back let her chose the time and place for your next meeting

dailybabystuff · 08/10/2016 18:41

OP - What if it turns out that this is all an elaborate ruse to surprise you with some kind of amazing celebration on your actual birthday....
Flowers Cake Wine
Your sister doesn't sound the type, though....

pictish · 08/10/2016 18:52

You're not being a brat. Your sister is being disrespectful, valuing her own time over and above yours. You have made your feelings on the matter clear before and rather than consider your point of view and offer you an apology, she metaphorically slaps you back down in your place by making it your failing.
Stop allowing it. Make times and stick to them. If they come in for breakfast at 10.15, the chances are you'll already be gone or leaving. "Catch up with you later!"

Don't take on the subordinate's role of waiter-arounder. It's a literal waste of time.