To think you shouldn't dictate to people how they raise their children?

[maybethedayafter]

There's a Facebook group I am soon to be an ex member of. It's for breastfeeding support and I have had some useful advice from it but, in addition to the use of terms such as "boobing my baby", a member has just posted asking for articles or information that she can give to her friend who doesn't want to demand feed to tell her she's wrong and everyone is responding implying that failing to demand feed would be neglectful and laughing at the friend for even suggesting it.

It's true, I can't see another way of breastfeeding other than on demand and it's what we do. BUT, let this poor woman make her own choices and figure out what works best for her and her baby. What happened to supporting each other? Is it really necessary to judge and criticise others because they don't do what you do? It's that kind of attitude that can really knock your confidence as a new mother. AIBU?

Many older women failed to breastfeed successfully because they were told to feed on four hourly schedules, obviously not going to work, however four hourly feeds and demand feeding are polar opposites and the reality is that a schedule that isn't demand led but has more frequent feeds would probably work fine, it's effectively what second and subsequent babies end up on as they fit in round the routines of older siblings.
I know several babies who were demand fed ( including one of mine) who ended up very very fat, it took years to get them back to their proper height/weight ratio.

Surely feeding a baby on demand either bottle or breastfeeding is not remotely controversial. My DB and SIL fed to a schedule, apparently the midwife told them to give a bottle every 4 hours. Cue them sitting in my mother's house and moving the baby to another room for over half an hour because no one could listen to the screaming and it was not yet 4 hours. It was bonkers and no amount of subtle and not so subtle hints changed their minds that maybe a schedule was guidance rather than rigid.

Grumpy that idea of spacing out breastfeeds to get a bigger feed will work if you have a good supply. Leaving a long gap between feeds means your breasts are being given signals that less milk is needed, so supply will reduce. This is ok if you have an oversupply or a good supply, you can still manage with the reduced supply. However, for some women, it could reduce their supply to the point that they aren't producing enough milk. It could mean that they end up mixed feeding or stopping breastfeeding altogether. Which is fine if they're happy to do that, but not great if that's not what they want. I would never suggest scheduled feeds with 3 or 4 hour gaps for a new baby, as the chances are that this would interfere with the normal supply and demand process.

Speak - boobs are designed to adapt to the demands of child. Feed 3 hourly (say) and boobs will create milk to that schedule. Feed every 20 mins, ditto. Obviously there are people who struggle either way ( I fed happily with first, struggled with prem second) and have to tweak things more particularly or bottle feed.

The issue i take is that you presume your way is the only way and that larger intervals might hinder in general when you can only speak for your own experience. Unless you are a statistician with accompanying accredited evidence then the only view you have is your own and you are not an expert for other babies. It's people like you who spout forth about what is 'best' that makes everyone else who does differently feel shit. Just stop it will you?

Where have I said it's the only way? In fact I said that some might be absolutely fine with scheduled feeds. But it won't work for everyone, and I think it's worth mentioning that. If your baby isn't happy with long gaps of 4 hours or similar, and is hungry, then feed them on demand. That's all. It's hardly offensive advice.

This is kind of my point - this woman hasn't even had her baby yet and she's already being told she's doing something wrong. It might work for her, it might not. She might ask for help or advice, she might not. But at least give her a chance to give birth first.

Hear hear maybe.

The women on the FB group are being unpleasant to discuss this friend of a friend in the way they are. If a friend of mine had talked to me about breastfeeding and mentioned that they were planning on feeding to a schedule, then all I would have said in response is that the NHS recommend demand feeding and that not every baby takes to a schedule. Then I would have left it at that. There's no need for looking for articles to hand out. The friend will either find it works for them, or if it doesn't then they'll presumably access the support available from midwives and HV and change their approach.

And in saying that Speak, you would be taking on the role of advisor, not friend. Butt out. Let her make her own choices.

Whilst pregnant, I joined lots of BF groups on Facebook, adamant that thats what I was going to do. I'm ashamed to say that I started to get a bit brainwashed by all the ff bashing etc. Everytime anyone mentioned a bottle in RL, I screwed my nose up and said that I wouldnt be feeding my baby that shit.

Fast forward to having a four day old baby that was screaming, me having to express colostrum and cup feed because my baby point blank refused breast. I gave in and gave her a bottle. I then got home and my milk came in, but she still refused to feed. No amount of advice, different holds etc etc made a blind bit of difference. I began to express. Apparently this was nearly "as bad" as ff. How can you possibly bond?? As my milk began to dry up, i began to combi-feed. I felt so guilty and felt awful everytime I gave my baby formula.

Until I realised she was fine. As my milk dried and she got more formula, I realised that formula is not the end of the world. In fact, I was so much happier. I was putting a hell of a lot of pressure on myself. I was either feeding expressed milk or attached to a milking machine (just how it felt to me) and it was getting me down. I think this was probably part of the reason I was drying up, that and a terrible c section recovery. Once I stopped beating myself up, my mood lifted and I was actually enjoying my baby instead of being judgy-pants to myself! I removed myself from the groups and it was the best thing I ever did.

Dont get me wrong, fab for support and advice, but terrible for judgement too.

Is it wrong to offer advice then? You should only give advice if explicitly asked to do so? Do you never ever give any advice to your friends about anything at all, without being explicitly asked?

I would never say anything remotely advisory to a friend who is having her first baby. I would absolutely let her feel her own way and discuss options neutrally if she wanted to, even if I had a view. But would I say 'but the NHS says' or 'x is best for baby'? Of course not, because if that didn't work for my friend, she'd then feel like shit, right at the point where she should be feeling on top of the world, regardless of her choices.

I must have shit friends & family then as I had loads of unsolicited advice on a myriad of baby related topics.

So if you were subject to it, why would you inflict the same on someone else?

I know plenty of mums (incidentally many of them doctors) who have routine breast fed their babies from very tiny.

It's definitely possible, in fact, many babies have a feeding routine from when they're born. My DS2 is like that, in fact he slept for five hours twice on the day he was born. My milk still came in without any problems. Breasts aren't that stupid. If a baby feeds a lot at longer intervals, they are perfectly capable of producing the right amount of milk just as when the baby feeds once an hour.

I didn't mind! If it was helpful then I used the advice, if not, then I ignored it.

Lucky for you you have rhino hide then Speak. Most first time mums don't have that, esp not after a long hard labour and very little sleep for days and weeks on end, so you have to behave sensitively.

I dunno, I think it's fairly normal to ignore advice that you don't think will work for you. It's not like anyone went on and on about anything, just what worked for them, or what they thought was useful. I had much harsher comments from health care professionals that really were unhelpful and rude.