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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL strikes again!!! AIBU????

46 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 07/10/2016 11:26

Ok so some of you may remember a thread a did a few months ago about my SIL who wouldn't look after my DD for 10 minutes when I had an overlap time that I needed to leave for an interview by my DB wouldn't be home just yet after all the free childcare I provided them.
I came away from the thread after everyone's really helpful responses knowing that the way to go forward was to continue to look after my nieces but ONLY if it was to help my DB as we continuously help each other out when needed.

Soooo back to today. DB has gone away for a few days with work, he rang me with 2/3 requests to help my SIL with the kids whilst he was gone (school pickups/drop offs) I declined all and said she works out leave when it's for things for her so I'm sure she can do it for her children... every single Friday I pick my younger niece up from school with my DD, they literally look forward to it all week; we have our rituals that we do and we always have a lovely time together, then my DB picks his eldest up when school finishes then gets DN from me.

I spoke to SIL this morning about what the plan was for today (what time would she be picking DN up) seems that she got me confused with the local taxi service and assumed I would be dropping her home later, no I said, I can't do this tonight I have DH family coming for dinner and I won't have time. So she has now decided that she may aswell pick DN up from school then when she finishes if she has to go out to get her anyway.

I 100% know that this is totally fair enough if she wants to but AIBU to think she is just a selfish cow. My DD will be so upset now as she thinks her friend is coming to play and the only reason she isn't now is because my SIL has decided literally an hour before than this is no longer "convenient".

OP posts:

SpaceUnicorn · 07/10/2016 12:12

She has to take responsibility for her own children. It's that simple.

In what sense is she not taking responsibility for them? The SIL is picking her own children up from school and looking after her youngest today rather than the OP looking after her.

rookiemere · 07/10/2016 12:18

There seems to be a lot of projection here of SIL's motives, which is similar to the previous thread.

It seems likely to me that DB just didn't tell his DW that OP hadn't agreed to take their DD home, whereas she had assumed that was the case.

It seems a bit weird that she would be doing it to spite OP.
But yes I agree with those people who say that OP's DD should perhaps widen her friendship circle and have other friends to play on the Friday afternoon.

diddl · 07/10/2016 12:24

"diddl. She's not picking them up at the same time. The little one finishes at lunchtime & plays with cousin until her Dad picks the older one up then the little one from the OP."

Yes, I realise that now.

Well if she's doing the collecting then it's up to her where from, isn't it?

The usual arrangement is between Op & her brother, so there's noo reason for that still to be in play.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 07/10/2016 12:43

The thing is I know the arrangement isn't normally between us and she has every single right to change it BUT I find it really selfish that the arrangement was absolutely fine up until today an hour before pickup when she found out I wouldn't be dropping DN home, this results in my DD being upset, of course she will get over it obviously but I just think it's really mean, for those who asked I live about 10minhtes from the school and about 15 from her house.

When we were at pickup DD and DN we're predictably both upset and cried when they realised they weren't going together and she felt bad I could see that.

OP posts:

Atenco · 07/10/2016 13:27

I understand how annoyed you are at your SIL for her previous behaviour, but this is a relationship you are probably going to have until one of you dies. We never get to choose your family and very seldom get to just walk away from them, so we have let past problems go, not escalate them. You will be harming a lot of people if you keep on harbouring a grudge. Personally I would just know that I can't count on this person for certain things and get over it. I'm sure she has her good points.

diddl · 07/10/2016 15:20

I suppose she's so used to her youngest coming home with her dad, the fetching her from you hadn't occurred to her?

Had your brother not said anything to her about how it would work today?

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 07/10/2016 15:52

diddl I think my DB assumed like I did that she would pick DN up from me after she'd gotten her oldest from school like he does as she knows thats what he does.

OP posts:

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 07/10/2016 16:23

She might start to realise how much you and DB actually do now.

Still sad on the DC.

ohfourfoxache · 07/10/2016 17:55

As horrible as it is for the dc, it has probably done her good to see the upset. She has to deal with )some of) the fallout for herself now.

Ausernotanumber · 07/10/2016 17:59

Yababitu. She knows you're not helping her out so she has to organise childcare for other days, as well as today.

She probably knows (is bound to know) you can't stand her and in her shoes I wouldn't be going to your house either.

Easier all round to avoid conflict if she gets your DN from school. That's what I'd do if I were her.

Dontpanicpyke · 07/10/2016 18:05

The situation sounds toxic and as previously said you are probably going to have to see each other until one of you pegs it.

Seriously I know she's been a cow before but could you just meet and thrash this out? Not UKIP style but a good clear the air chat.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 07/10/2016 18:11

Hopefully dn will be a complete stroppy madam for her and she won't cancel again!

diddl · 07/10/2016 18:18

Did you actually speak to each other when you both collected from school??

So is the friday thing childcare or a playdate?

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 07/10/2016 18:22

You know what everyone the funny thing is that we don't hate each other. We get on extremely well, spend weekends together with the kids and my DB and DH, I spend time with her alone etc BUT she has a very very selfish side to her that seems to prop up every now and again, i go frosty, we kind of speak about it, I tell my DB how I feel and then after some work we go back to normal. The problem is that I feel unable to talk to her about how I really feel, I have tried several times over the last four years but nothing ever changes but what some people are saying is right, every time it happens the relationship never fully recovers back to where it was which is why there is definitely a part of me that although I love and care for her I don't actually like her very much right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 07/10/2016 18:25

diddl Yes we did kind of speak to each other, said hi, then we got the girls, my DD was very very upset as was my DN and I could tell she felt bad.
Friday's is part childcare that I do for my DB and also definitely a play date for my DD so we both get something out of it.

OP posts:

buttfacedmiscreant · 07/10/2016 18:59

yeah she is probably at home with a whiny child wishing she didn't make a stand on principle. Hope you did something fun with your daughter instead.

Milklollies · 07/10/2016 19:05

Get over yourself op. You need to teach your Dd to be emotionally independent and widen her friendship circle. It's not selfish- it seems perfectly reasonable to me that your SIL picks up her kid from the school. Nothing more to it. I think you're being overly emotional.

TathitiPete · 07/10/2016 20:25

Did DD and DN only find out at the school gate that their regular Friday plans had changed? If so that's a bit mean of SIL. Seems a bit like she might've thought "Well, Trying's not falling in line with what I want so I'm gonna throw the whole plan out the window."

And does that mean that she now has her DD at home while she's supposed to be working from home? I might have it wrong but if not then she's being very silly and has made things harder for herself for the sake of pettiness. I don't see what she's trying to achieve here tbh, she's inconvenienced herself and the two girls but she hasn't really put you out so if she's thinking "That'll show her!" then she's a bit off the mark.

diddl · 07/10/2016 21:20

SIL (& Ops brother) have both taken the piss in the past by the sounds of things, & SIL may have been pissed off at the thought of collecting from Op.

But she has collected & looked after her youngest today & that's not right because it's a playdate as well as childcare!

SandyY2K · 07/10/2016 22:10

Get over yourself op. You need to teach your Dd to be emotionally independent and widen her friendship circle.

That's harsh.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 08/10/2016 00:07

Milklollies I have no idea what your talking about tbh, teach my DD to be emotionally independent and widen her friendship circle, thanks we're fine she has lots of friends, she was upsettjag an arrangement had all of a sudden been broken and was upset like most 3YO would be. There's always one.

TathitiPete Yep exactly that, they found out at the gate that the plan had changed. That's what upset me, if she'd said to me this morning, sorry but actually plans changed I would have been fine.

diddl this sums up how I feel; she treated it like it was just childcare but it wasn't at all, I wouldn't cancel a play date with one of DD's friends an hour before unless there was an emergency or something had happened which made it impossible to go.

OP posts:

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