i don't feel like being her friend anymore

[Amalur]

Sorry, a bit long. Haven't posted much before but I know there are many sensible people here who could offer a different prespective.

I have been friends with this girl for six seven years now. We are very different but we get on mostly fine. Her life is a bit of a soap opera (her words) so I have sat through numerous crisis, held her hands, supported her, etc. I am fairly balanced and not too confortable with sympathy so I hardly ever ask help from her or anyone else. But I don't feel like I need to and I am fine with that,

But since last December I have been feeling like I don't want to know her anymore. She went through another crisis towards end of last year and made a decision which she has regretted since. I can't go into details. I was supportive of her throughout although before she went ahead with it I did suggest that she might have been wrong. But I told her that she had to do what she felt was best for her. In any case, she now feels really bad with herself for making that choice and says she does not feel like talking to anyone and least of all, me because my life is sorted and hers isn't. So we haven't had any contact for six weeks. Until last week when she sent an email, out of duty just letting me know how crap her life is. I feel for her, but I know that she is ultimately too self centered and that's why everything is a big drama. But also, I am upset because when she does not feel like it she cuts me off, just like that without regards to how I feel (she's done the same thing before). I am tired of being the nice one. i don't want to answer her email and be nasty beacuse I don't want to add to her pain, but equally I can not pretend I am not hurt. part of me would like not to have anything to do with her again. Am I being a horrible friend? Not sure what to do.

Sorry for the typos!

I would just not reply to her email.
It may be what she needs to get herself sorted!

Reply - I'm sorry you're feeling so bad etc. If you fancy meeting for lunch one day let me know when you're free. Hope you're feeling better soon

Don't feel hurt. She's a drama queen and will probably never give you back what you give her. It's easy for me to say, I know! But basically I think you need to accept she is self centred and doesn't see what she's doing is using you when she feels like it...so answer her email, tell her you're sorry she is going through a hard time, maybe even listen if she phones, but don't invest any of your emotion. You're not being horrible - just protecting yourself.

I wouldn't bother replying, let her come to you again if she really wants to but why should you be there on tap for her?
In your own words 'do what she feels best for you'!

Oh this is a familiar one. Have had same thing for oooooh um, 15 years now with a close relative. Drama queen, had bad upbringing, carries her woes round with her and her life is like an episode of Eastenders. I ended up losing my temper a bit and having a go (not the best thing to do I might add!) I said I was fed up of being treated like an emotional doormat ,and that if she had a crisis, I'd be there to listen, but that the world did and does not revolve around her. I told her that I had feelings too, and that I had my own problems, it was just I didn't bandy them about all the time. ( I was suffering with PND at the time.)

Things have been fine since. They were tense for about 6 months after, but resolved themselves. Now she makes a point of asking me how I am!

I ditched a fairly long-standing friend for exactly the same reason. He was so self-centered and had a terribly up and down relationship with a girl. Basically, I was counselling him for an hour or so at a time and then he would get back together with her. The final straw was when ds was born and I was on the phone, listening to the same old story and saying exactly the same stuff I'd told him before. I said to him "I need to feed ds" and he just carried on. That was when I realised that he actually had no respect for the demands which I had to meet. Then he rang one last time to say that he'd got back together with this girl. Dh took the call and told him I was asleep 'cos he knew I was really p*ssed off. I never heard from him again...

If I were you, I would just let your friendship slide. When "friends" only contact you to use you as a counselling service, I don't think that is friendship anyway. Friendship is a two-way street that involves sharing bad times and good times and, imo, not just talking about your own personal cr*p all the time...

i have a friend who is a major drama queen and always calls me when she is having a crisis but cant be seen for dust if i have one. i cant be bothered discussing it with her, i dont mind sending a polite reply to her occasional emails but we very rarely see each other now and i dont contact her first. if you dont get involved it will probably just dwindle away to nothing as she wont get the attention she is looking for. thats the easy option imo!

Your not being a horrible friend. There are two sides to a friendship and she has done all the taking.
You can either not answer her e-mail and hope she gets the message that way.
Or
Let her know that you feel for her current situation but feel that she has not supported you in the past and only ever seems to call on you when she wants something.

I think you should give her help.

My life too, is a bit like a soap opear, there is always something major going on, good and bad (luckily for me its more often good!)

A while back i did something i regret (have a feeling it could be the same thing) and some people told me that it was the wrong thing to do. But i thought it was right for me at the time. But hindsight is a wonderful thing..

She sounds like she might be a dit depressed, and having people to help, people who will listen without thinking bad of her, will help her.

I'm not sure why you are hurt? Is it because you feel like she only wants to talk about her problems? because you said that you 'hardly ever ask help from her or anyone else. But I don't feel like I need to and I am fine with that' So if she knows this maybe she just feels that you have the time to listen to her, and that you would be willing to help?

Hi Amalur,

I am going thru the exact same thing with a g/f who is very self centred. I basically told her I am going on leave to spend time alone with my family. So far the texes and emails have stopped but the first few weeks she'd send out bait....like guess what I did....gotta question wana ask u...etc just to reel me in.

Dont reply eventually she'll move on to the next person thats willing to listen to her dramas. They always do. Well thats what Im hoping anyway

I think you are not at all wrong to feel worn out with being a counsellor and it is not healthy for a freindship to run purely along those lines, but I don't necessariy agree with the previous posts asking if she is doing the same thing for you, because as you have said, you are not comfortable with sympathy, so it would be very difficult for her to reciprocate in the same way. Were you offended when she said that your life was sorted and hers wasn't? If so, you could try expressing that in a gentle way in reply to her e-mail, and also being honest and saying that you feel a bit drained by her demands - if you are tempted to let the friendship slide anyway you have nothing to lose, and it might genuinely hep her in the long run as she may realised you are not the only one who sees her as needy in the extreme. I had a similar problem last year with a friend who used me as an emotional punchbag to the extent that I still call screen to check it isn't her, so I do understand how difficult it is. Good luck.

I had a friend just like you describe - soap opera lifestyle, mine sorted and stable. She and her boyfriend were witnesses at my wedding as we met through them and I am godmum to her dd. Always called me ina crisis, and there were many. I often dropped my family plans to support her through something terrible.

She then took her violent, manipulative boyfriend back after a messy split. Although I felt this was the wrong thing, I supported her decision and was there for her whenever she needed me. She then started getting a bit off with me and to cut a long story short she eventually cut me off. More to do with the boyfriend I suspect than anything else and she is a weak person so was scared to make her own choices. I bumped into her in the shop and she was bright and brezzy saying there was no problem blahblah but she never called or made any further arrangements to meet up despite my suggestions to.

Her loss, I say. I feel a bit angry she appeared to have used me then dropped me when her boyfriend came back on the scene - she has since married him and we didn't even get an invite to the wedding! Same for your friend I think - cut your losses, learn from what has happened and move on.

I used to have a friend like that, and in teh end her life and dramas started to effect my own life, and that was when I had to cut my losses, so to say, and finished the friendship, but I wish I had done so earlier.
I have no problems helping people out, listening to real problems, etc...but, well, some people are just very manipulative in getting the attention, etc...and with my friend a lot of things were just lies and exaggerations.
She even had a realy stupid suicide attempt, in her case pure attentionseeking and staged...a real friend doesn't do that, I believe.
If she only wants you when she is in trouble or on her terms, than you shouldn't feel bad if you don't want to be friends anymore...being friends is a twoway, not one way give and take.

hi there, i do understand how you are feeling, i used to think that my so called (ex) friend really cared for me, but then i realized that she never had time for me if i was needing a shoulder to cry on, or even just an opinion, the conversation always would return to her and her life! I realized that this wasnt a fair friendship, and i used to come away from spending time with her drained and stressed, and this would affect my relationships with my family, i finally realised i could do without her, and just cut off contact, i felt bad at first, as i was close to her kids also, but i wasnt enjoying her company and the friendship was definitley one sided, i am now so much happier, and hang out with people who value me and deserve my friendship. at the end of the day, im a strong believer in treating people the way you would like to be treated yourself, spend time with friends that make you happy and you know will be there for you no matter what. a frienship should be a two way thing,. if you want to save this friendship, then confront her with your concerns, however people rarely change and i think you deserve friends who appreciate your kind nature hopee this helps xxxx

Thanks for all your replies, they are sincerely appreciated. It ir reassuring to know that I am not alone in the way I feel.

BassMama, I feel hurt because despite the fact that I have always been supporting, (even if I didn't agree with her) of the way she lives her life, she says that she does not feel like talking to me right now. I don't mind being there for her, but i don't want her to take me for granted and assume that I'll wait until she feels like it. I may not ask for help, but it is nice to have a friend just to have a chat, etc.

She is in fact a very kind and generous person and fun to be with. She thinks that I have the perfect life though, which I have, for me. I don't think she would be happy having what I have because she is always searching for something else. In the last six years she has changed career direction three times and has split up with partner at least 6-7 times. She does not know what she wants to do. I have no issue with that, I think it is part of her personality and that she should accept who she is. I have told her as much. But as a result, I have to sit through the same conversations again and again and I think I have had enough of her continous search and moaning that her life is not like mine. She is very bright, intelligent and capable of achieving anything.

I think that talking here helps me even if I may not make too much sense.

I must say that the fact that she is prepared to cut off contact with you also doesn't say much for her value as a friend to you...

When I was in a similar position I called the friend in question and over lunch explained that I felt things were very one-sided, that I'd always been there for her and felt I was only needed when she was mid-crisis. She said she was really sorry, that the friendship was really important to her and that she would be more considerate. I told her the ball was in her court and that I hoped we would continue to be friends. Never heard from her again.

Don't waste emotional energy on someone who doesn't care about you.

I've ended friendships like this before. Ones where I have felt like I am an unpaid counsellor rather than a friend. They become exhausting after a while (many years in my case). Yes it is nice to support people and people do deserve help and often they haven't asked for their life to be the way it is. BUt after a while you can become emotionally exhausted by them and you can also become a crutch which lets them not sort out their own problems because they can rely on you.

Sometimes both sides need a break, whether perminant or temporary. With one of my friends we have become good friends again after a break of several years. The break was good for both of us.

Sometimes you need to say 'no' and concentrate on you and other friendships as well.

Do you feel emotionally drained after seeing her? She sounds like exhausting company. I'd back off. You have listened a lot by the sound of it.

For the sake of past friendship, I'd reply to the email, saying sorry she is feeling down and when she feels better, to meet up with you.

I wonder if you could suggest she tries a good counselling/problem solving website for people of her age and stage in life? Not mumsnet of course! Having an online discussion about her problems might be just what she needs.