To want to stop buying presents for these children.....

[FantaDog]

So family fall out quite a few years meant that we were stopped having any contact with DH's Dsis and her children. She is an awful individual in my humble opinion but I and dh do love her children, whom we've had no contact with now for nearly four years (she started this almost as a 'punishment' that we disagreed with her over something relatively small - and at the same time her behaviour towards our children actually was quite worrying for a bit - if she did see them she was extremely abusive to them or about them). We have continued to buy her children christmas and birthday presents but I've no idea if these reach the children. Likewise she does for our children as she told my mother in law 'it proves she is a good aunt'. Our children have no memory of her or her children or her dh, the presents confuse them more than anything! likewise I would guess based on their ages when this happened her children are unlikely to remember us. I feel the present thing is so superficial on both sides (criticism of us here as well!) and almost like we're sending a message to our children that its ok for people not to care about you, have a relationship with you as long as they buy you presents. Other problem in this is she just had another child, a child we have never met, never seen, never seen a photo of etc, do we buy a present for this child at christmas for example... it just feels so empty and meaningless to me and materialistically driven - i.e. that giving things is more important than love and relationships? I would love a relationship with our nieces and nephew but she has made it clear we're being punished (what for I'm not sure). Maybe I'm over thinking this... do I just keep this up and keep buying presents for children I miss hugely but don't actually really don't know anymore (no idea of their current interests etc) or even know if they get them and equally accept the presents for our children... or do we just call it a day. And do I buy a present for the child I've never met? Seems a bit odd?! It just all feels so sad, so pointless and the presents seem like an empty reminder of this.
Just for clarification - she has distanced herself from most of family and Dmil pretty much refuses to discuss it. We've tried to approach her over the past four years to at least get to cordial speaking terms but never worked.
What would you do for the best?

I don't think writing a letter is a good idea. You already made numerous attempts to communicate and it sounds like you're happier not having to deal with the ghastly woman. All it does is continue to feed her inflated sense of self-importance.

I'd stop present giving. Without any periodic contact, and with those DCs growing maturity, it becomes increasingly meaningless. It's very awkward to keep in touch with offspring when you don't have anything to do with the parents.

Why don't you leave the decision to your DH, they are his family. I personally would distance myself from the whole sorry situation, just for peace of mind.

I'd keep buying but send a gift voucher each instead. Why should the child go without when it's their parent that's a twunt.

I am in exactly the same position. My decision is to continue to send cards and a present. It's not the decision of my neice and nephew not to see us. It's their mother's decision.

I agree it seems so superficial, which is why I struggled making the decision.

I have to now decide what to do now that my niece has finished secondary education. I had always intended to stop birthday and Christmas presents at this stage, and just send a card, but don't want it to come across as a snub, as it isn't. Then again, now she's an adult and living round the corner from me (and has a recent open invitation to visit, but hasn't been in touch), perhaps I should accept that some of the family ill-will might have rubbed off and go with my original plan.

I have a similar position with my DB and niece. Although my DB and I arent completely NC (yet!) he is a nasty piece of work, we have kept in contact for the sake of my mum (who died earlier this year) despite her always agreeing with him, golden child etc.

I have 2 teens and he has done the "I am not buying them presents" thing on and off for years, it is usually when he hasn't got his own way over something or I have upset the poor boy (56, FFS). After a huge fall out 2 yrs ago, he hasn't bought them a Christmas or birthday present since, nor sent cards.

I have always taken the higher moral ground and sent something to my niece. However, this just made my DB gloat, he saw it as me toeing the line, doing the right thing etc whilst he didn't bother! He even went as far as texting me before her birthday last year 'dont forget its her birthday, we expect the same as you send DHs niece/nephew' - yes he is that childish! At 56! I usually got similar comments from my mum, who saw nothing wrong in his actions.

We are now approaching my DN's 21st. Whilst I would like to keep the moral high ground, I am def thinking why should I bother? Yes its a special birthday, but so was my sons 18th last year. My DN got a decent 18th present 3yrs ago, whilst DS got nothing. DS hates his uncle with a vengeance, as he can see what a complete twat he is, so it didnt upset him, but it did me, so why should I keep doing the right thing??

I think in your case, your SIL has made it clear she will never want contact with you again, so why keep up the pretence of happy families with present giving? I wouldnt bother sending anything.

It sounds really sad,I have a similar situation within my own family,I didn't do anything wrong but the adults involved stole from us but I do miss the children alot and so does my DH and our 5DC.

I can't even send presents or cards.But it would be such a shame for your DC growing up not knowing one another,is there any way your SIL would let you see the DC now and again at your MIL's,you could say you'd really love if the children could all grow up knowing one another.