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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is nice but....odd?

43 replies

WeekendFriend · 04/10/2016 21:13

I am a regular but name changed as worried combination of this and other posts would out me.

I have a female older friend who was sadly widowed almost five years ago. Her DH went from diagnosis to deceased in under six months and it was understandably, a terrible time for her. She grieved very openly. We have supported her through this, and she cried and talked about her DH constantly for the first three years. Fair enough. He was a wonderful man. I understand that grief is an awful thing, and can do funny things to a person, so when she would find any excuse to bring her DH into the conversation I listened, and I listened and was patient when this need of hers would mean she would go as far to invent stories (for example she would tell people that he and I would share a kitchen and cook wonderful meals together, this never happened, I never stood in a kitchen with him). Anyway, she posted constantly on Facebook about him and continues to but lesser now that she has met another man.

When she told us she was seeing someone else around 12 months ago, I was thrilled. Genuinely chuffed to bits for her. He had met her DH and knew him professionally but they were not friends. When she introduced us, she constantly referred to her deceased DH but said things like "He is not xxxx but I think xxxx would approve don't you think?"

Well he seemed very comfortable with all this open comparison to her DH so whilst I thought it would be a tough nut to chew for me personally, I was happy for her that she had found someone so accommodating of her and her still obvious grief.

Sorry for the novel, I am getting to the point now. So today is deceased DHs birthday. Cue lots of FB posts about him and how sadly missed he is by her, and others. The thing I think is nice but odd is that her new boyfriend is liking and sharing all these posts. He is commenting on how the world lost a great man and he was taken too soon and all that sort of stuff.

I guess AIBU in thinking this, although lovely and is an obvious show of support for my my friend, it is a bit odd. I mean, it must be unpleasant at times being compared to a deceased previous partner or DH, surely?

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 04/10/2016 22:17

If I we're the new man, I don't think I would appreciate being publicly compared to the the first husband, imagine if it was the other way around! But there you go...to each his own I suppose!

Czerny88 · 04/10/2016 22:21

I find it a little odd, yes. Over compensating, perhaps?

Crispspsps · 04/10/2016 22:24

YABU. This sounds like a very supportive new partner who understands that his DPs grief will never go away and has to be acknowledged. Good for him that he doesn't worry about being compared to his partner's late husband - he won't win that competition, and he's being grown up and confident enough to recognise that he (late partner) is still massively important to his current widowed partner.

For info, am widowed and married to a widower. Both in our early 40s with kids. We celebrate our late partners birthdays and other anniversaries. I've often though it would be hard to be with a non-widowed partner, as it's so complex, but well done to your friend who is with someone who understands.

harrypotternerd · 04/10/2016 22:26

I had a partner who passed away suddenly. My now partner was friends with me while I was with that partner and supported me when they passed. He does not mind if I talk about my partner who passed and he knows if my partner had not passed we would probably not be together right now. I read him your post and he said he would find it odd if he did not support your friend.

Crispspsps · 04/10/2016 22:28

Exactly harry

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/10/2016 22:32

I see nothing odd in it at all.

Hellochicken · 04/10/2016 22:34

I would have thought it odd, but I haven't seen grief like that up close and lots of people who have are posting that it isn't odd.

Crispspsps · 04/10/2016 22:41

And also, I have to say, as someone who has been in your friend's situation, but much younger - Being widowed is shit at any age.

"she cried and talked about her DH constantly for the first three years. Fair enough. He was a wonderful man."

So three years is the limit? And she dealt with it in a way you weren't happy with? WTAF.

"so when she would find any excuse to bring her DH into the conversation I listened"

Any excuse??? Do you ever talk about your living DH??? FML A frequent complaint of the widowed is that people avoid talking about the dead person, and it doesn't help. Really. So if others never talk about them then the grieving will stop too. The deceased are still important people to the remaining people. Face up to it and don't expect people to deal with it like you think they should.

atomicpanda · 04/10/2016 23:08

I don't think it's odd.

jay55 · 05/10/2016 08:28

He's doing something he knows she will like.

Longlost10 · 05/10/2016 08:33

so when she would find any excuse to bring her DH into the conversation I listened

this doesn't sound like friendship, it sounds like you felt that supporting her was a chore, why wouldn't you listen and talk to a friend?

Nothing about this sounds odd, other than you sound a bit judgy

Original poster

WeekendFriend · 05/10/2016 09:29

Okay, I don't mean to have given the wrong impression. There is no time limit for grievin, of course not. A lot of others got tired of it and walked away and I never did. When I say it was constant, it really was constant.

My AIBU was about her partner accepting he was being openly compared to her DH and accepting it do graciously. The back ground was just that. He never knew the man personally - just professionally, he had never met my friend prior to their dating. I apologise if I have offended anyone who has lost someone.

Of course I don't expect that her DH should be erased. It is the comparison and now the sharing of other friends and relatives FB posts that I found odd.

OP posts:

Seahawk80 · 05/10/2016 13:05

OP I think this is really odd. This post could have been written about my mum in terms of the situation, it is exactly the same, right down to her new husband having met my dad when he was alive but not being friends or knowing each other. However my mum would never compare them like that and as for the Facebook, that's really odd. Tbh I'd find it quite odd anyway if my mum was posting all over Facebook about my Dad but if her husband was sharing and liking everybody's posts that would be weird. How old are they out of interest?

jessica29054 · 05/10/2016 13:08

I hate it when people clearly think their friend/colleague/whoever is strange or weird but prefaces it with endless 'oh well it's normal really ...' Yes, it's odd she makes up stories about him, yes, the constant talking about him is a bit much and yes she should gently be moving on.

However the hopefully helpful bit is no - I don't think it's odd for him to like/share.

He's essentially saying he knows her late husband was a big part of her life and is cool with that.

Seahawk80 · 05/10/2016 13:17

Oh and we all talk about my dad a lot, and my mums new husbands wife who also died and there are photos of both of them in the house. And sometimes they are sad around the times of death / anniversaries/ just in general and that's ok and we talk about it. No comparisons though! I'd be really angry if he said to my mum oh you don't plan as much as my previous wife!!

Elbekind · 05/10/2016 13:18

I don't think it's odd, but I do see where you're coming from.
The only thing I can compare it to is that my older sister was born very premature and passed away. My whole family mourned, and still do grieve for her.
However, if my sister had gone full term and not passed away my Mum wouldn't have been able to conceive me in time for it to be, well, me.
So when my parent's are feeling sorry for their loss and wishing that she had survived, I know they aren't wishing for me to have not been born, IYSWIM?

Somerville · 05/10/2016 18:51

There's no right way of grieving which most people recognise and yet they go on to make value judgements such as odd when they decide a widow is doing it wrong.

So yes, OP, you are being (very) unreasonable.

I am widowed and now engaged and I really hope my friends aren't posting on AIBU about all the ways in which I'm not grieving properly. Or not moving on well enough. Or talking about him too much. Or that my fiancé is acknowledging my grief about children's father too much.

There is no way to move on from losing a spouse you were passionately in love with, BTW. The only choice is to die too or keep on keeping on.

And you say your "friend" lost lots of other so-called friends because of her grief. She was well rid of them. But this must have been very hard for her and probably the second love of her life has seen that she's been hurt in so many ways - not just losing her DH but also then being rejected for her grief, and he helps fill her need to talk about her DH and have him publically acknowledged because she needs it and he loves her.

Wishimaywishimight · 05/10/2016 19:05

I don't think it's odd, he sounds really supportive and accepting that your friend will always love her DH and he will remain a part of her life even though she has been able to love again. Sounds like he is secure and happy in the relationship. Best of luck to them.

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