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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - she wants to bring her friend to stay

50 replies

Blackforestdonuts · 04/10/2016 19:56

....In a quandry. My DM is coming to visit for 3 weeks later in the month. She says she really wants to spend time with us and the kids, as she has had a very stressful year. She is not very well (chronic illness) and the trip to us is gruelling (pretty much as long a flight as you can get..).

This morning, she emails me very excitedly, saying she has chatted to her friend and friend suggested that she come with DM to help her out and join her on her 'holiday' - also staying with us for 2 out of the 3 weeks.
I understand that the friend could help her on the flight, and she could have company while we are at work and the kids are at daycare, but....

-Since August, we have already had 2 sets of visitors staying for 2 and 3 weeks respectively
-It's more work for me and my DH - cooking, cleaning etc. We are crazily busy - both FT work and 2 kids at different daycares.
-Four adults and 2 kids don't fit into our car and we live suburban, so daytrips or even town trips etc will be a pain
-My DH has only met the friend once - at our wedding
-The kids are already a bit loopy - craving a bit of routine, I think and more visitors will be another upheaval

I feel like with a virtual stranger there as well, it'd be a lot of polite small talk and (me) running round doing the catering, rather than good quality playtime with kids.

So, am inclined to say , sorry no, the friend can't stay, but....AIBU - should I chill out and be more welcoming and just deal with the inconvenience? I feel bad saying no to my mum after the year she has had. WWYD? Arghhh.

OP posts:

Sara107 · 04/10/2016 20:37

It really depends on what sort of visitors they are, have you any idea? For example, it sounds like you will be out at work and the kids in nursery all day. That might be pretty lonely for a visitor on their own, so at least they would keep each other company. And they may fill the days with doing things like cooking a nice dinner for you all to come home to, or laundry or ironing or something which would make them a help rather than extra work. Or they might babysit a couple of evenings allowing you to go out and have a break. On the other hand, if they sit and wait to be waited on, 2 extra bodies is a lot of extra effort.

Excited101 · 04/10/2016 20:41

I think YABABU I'm afraid. Is the week you've got off work the week when the friend won't be staying with you?

FannyFanakapan · 04/10/2016 20:43

Maybe suggest that the friend hires a car so that the two of them can do some sightseeing/shopping on days you are at work.

gribak · 04/10/2016 20:44

In any other circumstances I would say no - but given that if your mum is ill, a friend coming with her may actually be quite necessary for her on the long flight, if she is unwell at your house there is another responsible (available?) adult there to help and given the circumstances I would bit the bullet for 2 weeks. Sounds like this friend is actually being a very good friend to your mum, rather than just trying to score a free holiday... If a family member of mine was chronically ill, I would be putting all other factors in my life to one side to make time for them, given they flew so far to see me and I would be making it as easy as possible for them. What's 2/3 weeks of your life for your ill mum?

foxtrotoscarfoxtrotfoxtrot · 04/10/2016 20:45

I'd say yes. Recently I had DM stay for 4weeks. The first week was awful, we bickered. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th were really lovely as MIL came to stay as well, and despite not knowing each other very well before hand they became great friends and entertained each other. The pressure was completely off me.

If DM decides to come for an extended stay again I will insist she brings a friend!

YelloDraw · 04/10/2016 20:48

As long as friend isn't there the week you have booked of I think it would be nice for your mum to have some company during the day

HereIAm20 · 04/10/2016 20:50

My parents and their friends stayed with us 2 weeks last year from the US. To be honest it was easier as they kept each other amused, there was less family tension and in fact a few meals were prepared by them. It was a nicer visit than when it was just them as it was all hands to the deck rather than parents expecting to be waited on or expecting me to be their child!

Inertia · 04/10/2016 20:55

Under normal circumstances I think it would be spectacularly rude of your mother to invite anyone else along.

However, given that your mum is very ill and has a very long flight, it might actually make things easier for everyone if the friend comes. Friend can help on the flight, be company while you are all out of the house.

It will only work if friend is happy to share a room with your mum, and accepts that they'll have to fit in to family life with typical family meals .

BerylStreep · 04/10/2016 21:04

Assuming you have a normal loving relationship with your Mum I would absolutely say yes, let her bring her friend.

Do you have room for them both?

As pp has suggested, they could hire a car.

And as far as small talk goes, tell your Mum and her friend that they take you as they find you. Does your week off coincide with the week the friend wont be there. If not, could you change it?

What is friend doing for the third week? Going home, or visiting elsewhere to then travel home with your Mum again?

Becca19962014 · 04/10/2016 21:07

I have chronic illness and travelling alone is a total nightmare. Yes you can book assistance but that doesn't mean it will turn up, or even be helpful - some take your case and run leaving you panicking trying to keep up and hoping you'll see it when you get there.

I thought the two out of three weeks meant spending the two weeks you weren't in work there (so not there the week you were off) and then travelling back with her.

I'm wondering if your DM needs more help than you realise and now feels happier about coming because she can relax about it more as she needs that extra help. You need to speak to her about it and understand if you said no there's potentially the chance she won't come at all and if it's worth that.

AmeliaJack · 04/10/2016 21:08

If I had the room I'd say yes, but I'd be very unhappy having it dropped on me.

MazeMap · 04/10/2016 21:08

I'd say the friend needs to book herself a b&b/hotel and they can meet up during the day. I wouldn't want a stranger staying in my home! Are you sure she plans to stay with you? It seems a bit odd that she would assume you can put her up. Maybe she plans to book somewhere nearby?

Becca19962014 · 04/10/2016 21:11

I'm assuming your DM knows how much room you have.

OjosCansados · 04/10/2016 21:15

I'd say yes, but I'd explain to my mum that I would expect some help in terms of cooking and cleaning etc, and that her friend should hire a car. You don't. We'd to be funny about it, just be honest and straight up about your concerns. I'm sure your DM will understand??

OjosCansados · 04/10/2016 21:15

You don't HAVE to be... I meant

ButterfliesRfree · 04/10/2016 21:17

Say no. Your first post lists lots of reasons to say no. It's not mean you just know what you need right now and that's ok. Just say no.

BarbarianMum · 04/10/2016 21:26

If they can share a room I'd be inclined to say yes and think you may actually find it easier as your mum will have company.

HardcoreLadyType · 04/10/2016 21:30

I think you should say yes.

I don't really see how two extra people are a lot more work than one.

You will, of course, need to remind your DM that you won't be able to transport everyone in your car, so she and her friend may want to hire a little car for part of the time, at least.

It's only three weeks. It's not that disruptive to your children. They'll soon settle down again afterwards and as for the lack of quality playtime - well it's only three weeks. (If you mean lack of time for the DC with your DM, then really, that's up to her to manage. She will spend time with the children if she wants to.)

Asking the friend not to come seems a bit churlish, really.

murmuration · 04/10/2016 21:33

I'd say yes, but chat with your Mum that you're concerned about more work and make sure friend is there to actually help out, not just be catered to by you. (if you can make that sound nice). Also make it clear that the whole family plus friend won't be able to go on outings because of transport - will friend occasionally be okay with doing things on her own?

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 04/10/2016 21:33

ButterfliesRfree: Say no. Your first post lists lots of reasons to say no. It's not mean you just know what you need right now and that's ok. Just say no

Yeah. Fuck what her chronically ill Mum needs when she's flying halfway around the world to see her daughter & grandchilden. God forbid it should put the OP out a little.

0pti0na1 · 04/10/2016 21:39

You could say yes, but set your own boundaries. E.g. the friend will need to find her own B&B, transport, laundrette and meals etc. You get to decide whether to say yes or no, and how it will work.

pollyglot · 04/10/2016 21:40

She came to your wedding?? So she's actually quite a close friend, not a "virtual stranger"?

FireSquirrel · 04/10/2016 21:45

Under normal circumstances I think it would be spectacularly rude of your mother to invite anyone else along. However, given that your mum is very ill and has a very long flight, it might actually make things easier for everyone if the friend comes. Friend can help on the flight, be company while you are all out of the house.

This. Under normal circumstances I'd say absolutely not, having guests is stressful enough without one of them being a complete stranger. In this case though I think I'd make an exception, it sounds like it will make all the difference for your Mum.

Peanutbutterpussycat · 04/10/2016 21:46

I would say yes too and I hate having visitors

deste · 04/10/2016 21:53

I would also say yes but make it clear you can't drive them about nor cook or do any laundry for them.

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