Would this annoy you? My mum always makes out that DH and I are poor

[MoonBabyMoonBaby]

DH and I both have decently paid jobs and a comfortable lifestyle. My Dsis and her husband both have jobs of a similar nature/pay and enjoy a comfortable lifestyle too. My Dsis has always been favoured by my mum.

My mum constantly makes comments making out that DH and I are poor and that my sister and BIL are not poor. For example we have decorated our living room in the past few weeks and bought new furniture. I spoke to my mum on the phone last night and she said we'd done well decorating it especially since we "Only have DH's and my earnings coming in". I said we both earn a decent salary but she just ignored me. We get comments like this ALL THE TIME! It infuriates me. She will then in the next breath start talking about what a good job my sister has and about how they can afford expensive things.

She also, all the time goes on and on about how she hates the benefits system but doesn't mind paying into the system at the moment as DH and I apparently get benefits. We get no benefits at all, not even child benefit, and no matter how many times I re-iterate that we don't get any benefits she still seems to think that we do.

She also quizzes me all the time about everything that the DCs and I wear, asking if it's new and how much did it cost, and making comments like "I don't know, all these new clothes, wasting money that you don't have", even when we are not wearing anything new at all and I've never ever said to her that I spend money that we don't have.

AIBU to be pissed off with these comments?

[Laiste]

Fascinating to read the theory of 'having a role for each sibling' in a parents mind which wont shift. It certainly rings true here!

DH is the youngest sibling. His siblings are all well educated and doing very well career wise (not so much in their personal lives mind you) and well off financially too.

Growing up and into his early 20s DH was the 'black sheep' of the family. Skived school, well off the rails, no proper job, a PITA. To cut a long story short though 15 years on from that time he's worked hard to turn his life around, earns pretty well in his field, works damn hard, is settled, a wonderful dad to our little DD and a lovely, caring, loyal husband. Almost pipe and slippers! Like a different person.

His mum, however, always seems treat and talk about him as if he's still the irresponsible, unpredictable, slightly amusing family clown. For example - ''Ooooh we've got plenty of BOOZE in for '' as we turn up at a family meal. This is even though he's told her about a thousand times over the last 8 years or so that he's virtually T total. He wouldn't dream of drinking his way through a crate of beer on a visit for Sunday lunch with his DD there. I hate it and i know it disappoints DH. What's wrong with her?

and breathe.

[Andromache77]

It's no use trying to reason with family members who do this, trust me, I've tried numerous times and it's not worth the effort.

In my case, it's a combination of having been typecast as the little one (I'm in my late thirties, but that apparently makes no difference) and therefore naive and easy to manipulate. I was naive - when I was little, as in a child - so yes, I was young once, as everyone has been, but that was then and this is now, many years on, and besides, I have never ever been easy to manipulate, quite the contrary, so I don't know where that part came from.

Still, that is my role in life according to my mum, which comes in handy when I do anything that she doesn't like: of course that is not me, it was somebody else's idea, and consequently she needs to bring it up (over and over and over) to open my eyes. Incessantly. Over the years. Because she loves me (which she does, I have ample proof of it). And apparently I never learn. So ever since I deviated from the path that she thought ideal for me, firstly by choosing a DH that she wouldn't have chosen for me (we have a good life together and I'm happy but what do I know, right?) and then by going freelance after having a very well paid corporate job (not my choice, I was made redundant, but it has turned up really well and now I earn just as much with far more flexibility), she needs to remind me how naive and prone to manipulation I am, and also "make sure" that I save money and don't spend it foolishly, or something to the tune. By "making sure" I mean repeating it endelessly, bringing it up every time that money is mentioned even in passing and insisting even after I assure her that I manage my money very well, thank you (because of course I don't, obviously).

To put this into context, I have been financially independent ever since I finished my education, which is a step higher than my sister's (both university educated, me a postgraduate degree) but no, my sister is the responsible, savvy one; she is also, and this is no contradiction in my mum's mind, really hard-done-by with her middling income, bad partnership and rather difficult children. Oh, but she works so hard, and takes them here and there, she's sooo tired from doing everything herself (because her DP is a shit father and partner). And she still cannot make ends meet; again, nothing she can do about it, such as dump the DP and her dead-end job and get herself a better-paying job for which she is amply qualified, oh no, she's a MOTHER and everything is so difficult and complicated and no one ever worked this hard so she needs to be helped every month by my mum, a pensioner herself. Because, you know, it's all so hard for her.

I'm a mother too, and work full time with no back-up as I'm self-employed in a highly qualified capacity, but somehow that doesn't register in my mum's worldview. In her mind (and my sister's) I'm very silly and naive and cannot stand on my own two feet... See, I cannot even handle my business properly and need to be told so, in spite of being very successful at it. That is entirely irrelevant, you see, 'cause I'm just a silly little girl.

Facts cannot stand in the way of preconceptions, it's as simple as that. In my mum's and my sister's mind, I'm stupid, weak and naive, and my sister knows her way around the world, despite the fact that she actually, demonstrably, does not and that by the looks of it, she will never stand on her own two feet until my mum either dies or runs out of money to subsidise her. And that fact - being subsidised to maintain her fantasy that she is, indeed, a functioning adult - cannot be mentioned to her, or to my mum, because it's not her fault. A highly qualified woman in her early forties with a partner and a job needs her mum's help every single month to make ends meet but there's nothing she can do about it and no reason why this should be changed or mentioned at all. Right.

Rant over. Now, to answer the OP's question, YANBU to be pissed off. It's belittling and demeaning. However, don't expect it to change. As I said, facts cannot stand in the way of a long-held preconception. You either learn to live with the infuriating reality or you go LC. I'm LC with my sister for this and other reasons, and just take a big sigh of resignation before and after I see my mum, because I actually do love her and on the whole she is a good mother who brought me up really well (but cannot see me as an adult and never will). It's just the way it is, sad as it may be.

[CoolCarrie]

Pp you are quite right to rant, you need to, and as you can see others are in the same position. You can only deal with it as best you can which you are.
You could sit down and tell your mum how you feel and point out just how unfair and unreasonable she is being towards you. Your mum seems to be babying your sister, which probably suits her especially when it comes to money. I feel for you x

[Liiinoo]

My mum's narrative for me seems to be that I live in an ivory tower with no concept of the trials of everyday life. This because I have a cleaner once a fortnight and don't have a regular, paid job.

She will regularly update me on the weather that morning (because I obviously never go outside before midday). She will fill me in on the difficulties of travelling on buses and trains (because I am chauffeured everywhere?)

I think there is some envy here as DH is very well paid so I don't need to work. However I am very aware of my privilege and I try to give something back by working two days a week as a counsellor with prison inmates and troubled young people in a deprived city centre. This seems to have passed her by. She recently ranted for sometime about how easy prison life is nowadays. When she paused for breath I asked her 'Have you ever actually been in a prison Mum?' Of course she hadn't and the fact that I have doesn't mean that I know anything more about it than her!

[BurningBridges]

I've realised I have friends like this too!! One friend discovered I was not up by 9am on a weekend and ever since then, for years, whenever any invitation is issued or plans are being made whatever the time she'll always follow it up with "hope its not too early for YOU Burning!!" Other days she'll come round and immediately say "oh were you asleep?" when I answer the door!

[Yogimummy123]

My first thought was has she got some form of dementia coming on?

[Janey50]

Funnily enough I had the complete opposite problem when I was still married to my exH. For reasons that I couldn't fathom out,my mum seemed to think that we had far more money coming in than we actually did. I had never exaggerated about our finances,and I'm absolutely certain that my exH never embellished them either. He was the sole breadwinner for most of our fairly short marriage,and took home a very average wage (he was a butcher when we first married,by the time we split up he was doing removals). She also thought that we were claiming numerous benefits,when in reality it was only child benefit. She just could not comprehend why we weren't able to afford expensive holidays abroad every year,or why buying a new car was such an issue. And when I once told her that we weren't going to be able to afford to go to a wedding because the cost of new outfits for me,DH and DD,a wedding present and overnight accommodation at a hotel local to the venue PLUS the cost of fuel for travelling nearly 400 miles,was going to stretch us to breaking point,she was genuinely incredulous! For the record,she was very comfortably off,didn't have any major outgoings as her house was mortgage paid,and had no dependents. I think it was a case of just not understanding that not everyone was in the same boat as her.

[magicstar1]

So your Dsis is the golden child? Sounds familiar....MIL tries this with us too. We have a house, car , motorbikes etc. we had an amazing wedding and awesome honeymoon etc. DBIL is single after a long term relationship and back living with PIL, but yet we get told how amazing his holidays are, how expensive his car was blah blah blah.
MIL was goin on about how expensive his holiday was last year...2k for two weeks. When I reminded her that we paid that per night on honeymoon it shut her up for a while. I never let her away with it trying to make DH feel like "the poor relation".

[TheProblemOfSusan]

I think you're all missing a trick here. Why not respond "Oh mum, it's awful. Really dreadful. Can't make the pennies stretch. Could I have a tenner to help me get to play day?"

You could make bank with this strategy and feed the bizarre delusion that's evidently filling some emotional need all at the same time.

[rockcake]

YANBU!! Grrrr.... it's beyond maddening. My parents and others did this to me all the time and even though we were quite poor compared with everyone else in our families, I didn't need my nose rubbed in it- how dare they? Besides which, my kids didn't go without and have grown up to be proactive, ambitious achievers... unlike most of the grown up drop- outs whose parents and grandparents patronised me

[QueenLaBeefah]

My mum is the same.

I think like previous posters have stated your family role is created early and some relatives won't let you upset their set in stone world view.

All of DHs family see him as a irresponsible 16yr old and not the successful business owner he now is.

My family think I'm still stuck in the dead end job I was in 25yrs ago.

Very weird.

[knackeredfarmingmummy]

my mil was the same, I lied and told her I earnt 52k a year

[user1474652148]

After years of similar irritations, I can only share with you the only thing that worked for me, I started making a joke of said issue non stop, that was the only thing that put a stop to it....It became a source of hilarity and really helped me feel better.

I would say christmas is cancelled because we can't afford it, I haven't called you for a week because we can't afford it, is there any chance they could send a food parcel, money for some electricity, the baliffs are coming, you could have endless fun winding her up!
Trust me after a while she will get the picture.
It becomes an acute and hilarious form of entertainment, no need to be defensive or to block her out, just simply play up to your new role! If you are invited to a wedding or a family dinner all the better :) Especially after a few wines. Turn up without any shoes, honestly you can really have some fun.

You do NOT need to justify your finances or your life choices to anyone is the bottom line. It is very undermining to make you feel inadequate, and actually taking away your achievements and pride in your life. It is actually really horrible, and yet lots of parents do it.

Your new poor destitute is me routine will soon shut her up, particularly if you start telling her neighbours you are about to be homeless do they have a spare bed, food, etc :) Good luck - it worked beautifully for me I have to say, not one peep since!

[Shitonyoursofa]

My mum can be a bit like this. I actually do earn far less than DSis, but she has a huge mortgage, her car is on HP and she has personal loans and debts. I have a small mortgage and no other debt whatsoever, so as it pans out I reckon I actually have more disposable income than she does, and definitely less worry! DM often asks me if I'm 'jealous' of their new car, new kitchen etc etc, and I really think she doesn't believe me when I say I'm not, I'm much happier with my older things, that I could replace if I wanted to but I don't see the need.

She's always offering to give / lend me money 'but I wouldn't do the same for Dsis as she doesn't need it', no matter how many times I say I don't need it. If I say that OH and I aren't going out of a weekend because we're a bit skint or are saving for something rather than buying it straight away, she immediately thinks that we're on the poverty line!

I think you kind of get allocated a role in the family in their heads and then the perception just doesn't shift for some reason!! My mum means well but it is quite odd.

[Andromache77]

I could never wind up my mum like that, it would be cruel. My mum is a worrier and in the years to come she would steadfastly refuse to believe that I was just pulling her leg. I would never hear the end of it.

As it is I never ever tell her about any problems, hell, I don't even tell her about doctor's appointments unless it's a routine checkup, otherwise she immediately assumes that something is terribly wrong. My sister is an unhappy woman who lashes out to mask her own frustrations (I believe it's called projection) but my mum just worries and refuses to think of me as a grown-up, it's her way of loving me.

You know that saying about having the serenity to accept the things that you can't change? That's how I deal with it.

[Littleladybird14]

My DM and DF are the same with me. My DSis and DBIL do earn a considerable amount more than we do - mainly my DBIL who has a very high paid job. However my salary probably isn't too dissimilar to my DSis and my DH is on a decent salary. If my DBIL wasn't on such a high salary my DM and DF wouldn't think so low of our earnings.
There always feels like a lot of pity towards us that we're so hard up and although we don't have as many luxuries as my DSis and fancy holidays we're still comfortable and own our own house, feed and clothe our children etc!

It is so annoying, don't know what you can do, I just get on with it - DSis has always been the favourite so guess I'm used to it!

[OhTheRoses]

My mother does this. We lived in London for decades in a large Victorian property that she turned her nose up at. She carps about my "old" mpvs, and DHs unsexy car and thinks more should have been spent on the dc's clothes. She detests the fact the dc haven't been to Florida and that we have a 26" TV.

She ignores the fact that the dc have attended schools amongst the best in the country, that we haven't had a mortgage since ds was 8.

If I hear again it was a pity dd didn't have a pony I will strangle her. Livery is hard to come by in zone 2.

Drives me nuts but I ignore it now.

[Roversandrhodes]

I haven't read the whole thread and I absolutely mean this in the most serious and none offensive way ,could she have dementia ?
Is she under the illusion you and oh earn very little or is she aware of your combined salary?Is she just a cow ?

[Ta1kinpeece]

Whenever she does it, ask for money

then make friends with somebody from whom you can borrow a Hermes bag for when she next comes round

• different bag after each money request

[user1470055656]

I have the opposite problem. My mother bangs on about how rich husband and I are. We do have relatively high salaries but because of house prices, cost of childcare etc these days, we're actually much worse off than my parents were when they were my age when they could afford a large county house, school fees etc on just my father's salary. We live in a two bed in Hackney, by contrast. Still, my mother will have none of it and insists on mentioning how well off we are. It drives me crazy!!! Argh! I think parents have their narrative for you and nothing will change their minds...

[NameChange10001]

Families make their own narrative and refuse to deviate from it.

Our DGM decided my DSis was 'sly' and told everyone this. My DSis has dyslexia and processing delays so when she appears to be 'sly' she is actually thinking about what has been said and then replying. Nothing can convince our DGM that she is not 'sly'.

The DGM on the other side hears something once and assumes it happened all the time. I once had a 16 oz steak when I was on holiday. DGM heard about it and went on and on about how that much meat everyday would make me ill. It was ONCE, DGM, FFS! She also heard that I drank too much when I was a student, and still assumes I am a semi-alcoholic, even though I graduated many years ago and these days I'm on meds so I only have a drink a couple of times a year.

[FoxInABox]

I have the opposite problem- my family seem to think we are loaded. My DM in particular is the worst- she made comments about having to get the same job as my DH when we bought a new carpet! Despite her having several long haul holidays in recent years. Drives me insane!

[Florin]

My parents do a similar thing but it is about our house being too small. When it is our only child's birthday and Christmas they ask what they would like. I go back with a suggestion (not a huge thing) and everytime without fail they come back with are you sure you will have space for that in your house? It drives me mad. Our house is not full of toys. We have a really good size 4 bedroom house with large rooms and 1 child (we could have gone larger but didn't see the point and prefer to have a large chunk of our mortgage paid off). Our child has 2 whole bedrooms just for him so plenty of space and space downstairs to store his toys away neatly. We have also bought him his own shed for the back garden to store all his outdoor toys in. We are not lacking in space in fact he probably has several times the space most kids have!