Would this annoy you? My mum always makes out that DH and I are poor

[MoonBabyMoonBaby]

DH and I both have decently paid jobs and a comfortable lifestyle. My Dsis and her husband both have jobs of a similar nature/pay and enjoy a comfortable lifestyle too. My Dsis has always been favoured by my mum.

My mum constantly makes comments making out that DH and I are poor and that my sister and BIL are not poor. For example we have decorated our living room in the past few weeks and bought new furniture. I spoke to my mum on the phone last night and she said we'd done well decorating it especially since we "Only have DH's and my earnings coming in". I said we both earn a decent salary but she just ignored me. We get comments like this ALL THE TIME! It infuriates me. She will then in the next breath start talking about what a good job my sister has and about how they can afford expensive things.

She also, all the time goes on and on about how she hates the benefits system but doesn't mind paying into the system at the moment as DH and I apparently get benefits. We get no benefits at all, not even child benefit, and no matter how many times I re-iterate that we don't get any benefits she still seems to think that we do.

She also quizzes me all the time about everything that the DCs and I wear, asking if it's new and how much did it cost, and making comments like "I don't know, all these new clothes, wasting money that you don't have", even when we are not wearing anything new at all and I've never ever said to her that I spend money that we don't have.

AIBU to be pissed off with these comments?

[MyPatronusIsABadger]

Oh OP, this reminds me of my DM. She points out my possessions or holidays and says 'all paid for by MY taxes' whilst raising her eyebrows.....thing is DH and I have civil service jobs. Her taxes pay for even the flowers on my kitchen table, but my DB is too clever to work.......

[Me2017]

I certainly don't get child benefit as a single mother. Plenty of us don't even if we pay £30k a year childcre for 3 children in full time childcare and have a massive mortgage. The days of c hild benefits for all even single mothers has long gone.

[Whatsername17]

I'd have to directly say something. In fact I'd be challenging and go with something like 'Mother, why is it that you think we are poor? Both dh and I earn a good salary, we do not recieve any benefits, we can afford nice things and have no money worries at all. Why do you insist differently?'

[Jemmajamjar]

I thought everyone got Child Benefit??? I've just checked and you have to pay tax on it if you earn over £100k per year. How can your mam think you poor if you earn £2000 per week and over £8000 pcm?

[user1468518769]

Could save money at Christmas, just tell you couldn't afford a bug present for the family. Lol

[JellyBelli]

YANBU. She's being silly and childish. Tell her to quit it, and from that point onwards if she makes another comment you put the phone down.

[Obsidian77]

People have complex, emotional and illogical responses to money, material goods and social status and often these have quite deeply-embedded significance to us that we might be completely oblivious to. This is complicated by the fact that the relative availability and affordability of some goods, eg clothing or electrical items, has changed a lot, even in the last decade or two.
My boyfriend through uni and in my early 20s as a medical student. When we split up (one of the best decisions I ever made) my DM couldn't hide her disappointment that I wasn't going to be a doctor's wife
My DSis1 and her DP (let's call him Bob) live in an ok but nothing special flat he inherited from his parents. They run their own business, which is struggling mostly cos Bob is an idiot and Bob persuaded my DSis to put her redundancy payoff towards a flashy car to "impress clients". My DM can't stop going on about how well they're doing.
DSis2 works in London, in a tech job my DM doesn't understand, is buying a nice flat, but my DM still thinks of her as a silly kid, and if I point out that DSis2 has a good degree and is doing well in a career she loves, DM pulls a face and says but she can't afford a car (she could but it'd be more hassle than it's worth). DM also complains that DSis2 wastes money on clothes and can't seem to grasp that she buys most of them on EBay for next to nothing.
I find this situation enraging mostly because it seems so unfair, so I've found it interesting to read how many people have the same problem.
I can't figure out in my situation if DM is actually over-compensating, eg she does know deep down that DSis1 isn't actually that well-off and is trying to say nice things about her anyway, but it's the fact that she boasts so much about it that winds me up. I've resolved to try and ignore it as DM seems so set in her ways.

[fc301]

YANBU
Several things are going on here. She is being extremely rude and inconsiderate, but disguising it as concern. She is doing this to play you off against your sister, which is a tactic to control both of you.
Perhaps your sister/mum enjoy making thenselves feel better about themselves by slagging you off behind your back (Your DSis could be fuelling this).
You are allowed to have boundaries. It's none of her business. If you say this is hurting your feelings you are entitled to expect your feelings to be given merit.

[BurningBridges]

Someone said earlier in the thread that people tend to take a view on you and then stick to it. We had a young cousin that as a teenager we would pay for, take her for meals and treats etc along with our own kids. Now she is nearly 40 and she (and now her husband too) still expects us to pay for everything when we go out, even though they are earning 4 times as much as us.

[Secretmetalfan]

Tell her you put it all on credit cards hoping you are going to get your inheritance and would she mind not spending so much of said inheritance cos you are relying on it.

[StealthPolarBear]

at florin. We are getting to the stage where we'll sell a child on ebay for some decent storage boxes. And before anyone mentions trofast, we have them, they're full to the brim!

[DollyBarton]

Just run with it, she'll find it really annoying when you say 'yes the benefits are a huge help' and 'we'd love a take away but can't afford it' look her straight in the eye and don't hide the hint of sarcasm/mocking and I'm sure her fun at saying these stupid things will be neutralised.

[Florin]

My parents do a similar thing but it is about our house being too small. When it is our only child's birthday and Christmas they ask what they would like. I go back with a suggestion (not a huge thing) and everytime without fail they come back with are you sure you will have space for that in your house? It drives me mad. Our house is not full of toys. We have a really good size 4 bedroom house with large rooms and 1 child (we could have gone larger but didn't see the point and prefer to have a large chunk of our mortgage paid off). Our child has 2 whole bedrooms just for him so plenty of space and space downstairs to store his toys away neatly. We have also bought him his own shed for the back garden to store all his outdoor toys in. We are not lacking in space in fact he probably has several times the space most kids have!

[FoxInABox]

I have the opposite problem- my family seem to think we are loaded. My DM in particular is the worst- she made comments about having to get the same job as my DH when we bought a new carpet! Despite her having several long haul holidays in recent years. Drives me insane!

[NameChange10001]

Families make their own narrative and refuse to deviate from it.

Our DGM decided my DSis was 'sly' and told everyone this. My DSis has dyslexia and processing delays so when she appears to be 'sly' she is actually thinking about what has been said and then replying. Nothing can convince our DGM that she is not 'sly'.

The DGM on the other side hears something once and assumes it happened all the time. I once had a 16 oz steak when I was on holiday. DGM heard about it and went on and on about how that much meat everyday would make me ill. It was ONCE, DGM, FFS! She also heard that I drank too much when I was a student, and still assumes I am a semi-alcoholic, even though I graduated many years ago and these days I'm on meds so I only have a drink a couple of times a year.

[user1470055656]

I have the opposite problem. My mother bangs on about how rich husband and I are. We do have relatively high salaries but because of house prices, cost of childcare etc these days, we're actually much worse off than my parents were when they were my age when they could afford a large county house, school fees etc on just my father's salary. We live in a two bed in Hackney, by contrast. Still, my mother will have none of it and insists on mentioning how well off we are. It drives me crazy!!! Argh! I think parents have their narrative for you and nothing will change their minds...

[Ta1kinpeece]

Whenever she does it, ask for money

then make friends with somebody from whom you can borrow a Hermes bag for when she next comes round

• different bag after each money request

[Roversandrhodes]

I haven't read the whole thread and I absolutely mean this in the most serious and none offensive way ,could she have dementia ?
Is she under the illusion you and oh earn very little or is she aware of your combined salary?Is she just a cow ?

[OhTheRoses]

My mother does this. We lived in London for decades in a large Victorian property that she turned her nose up at. She carps about my "old" mpvs, and DHs unsexy car and thinks more should have been spent on the dc's clothes. She detests the fact the dc haven't been to Florida and that we have a 26" TV.

She ignores the fact that the dc have attended schools amongst the best in the country, that we haven't had a mortgage since ds was 8.

If I hear again it was a pity dd didn't have a pony I will strangle her. Livery is hard to come by in zone 2.

Drives me nuts but I ignore it now.

[Littleladybird14]

My DM and DF are the same with me. My DSis and DBIL do earn a considerable amount more than we do - mainly my DBIL who has a very high paid job. However my salary probably isn't too dissimilar to my DSis and my DH is on a decent salary. If my DBIL wasn't on such a high salary my DM and DF wouldn't think so low of our earnings.
There always feels like a lot of pity towards us that we're so hard up and although we don't have as many luxuries as my DSis and fancy holidays we're still comfortable and own our own house, feed and clothe our children etc!

It is so annoying, don't know what you can do, I just get on with it - DSis has always been the favourite so guess I'm used to it!

[Andromache77]

I could never wind up my mum like that, it would be cruel. My mum is a worrier and in the years to come she would steadfastly refuse to believe that I was just pulling her leg. I would never hear the end of it.

As it is I never ever tell her about any problems, hell, I don't even tell her about doctor's appointments unless it's a routine checkup, otherwise she immediately assumes that something is terribly wrong. My sister is an unhappy woman who lashes out to mask her own frustrations (I believe it's called projection) but my mum just worries and refuses to think of me as a grown-up, it's her way of loving me.

You know that saying about having the serenity to accept the things that you can't change? That's how I deal with it.

[Shitonyoursofa]

My mum can be a bit like this. I actually do earn far less than DSis, but she has a huge mortgage, her car is on HP and she has personal loans and debts. I have a small mortgage and no other debt whatsoever, so as it pans out I reckon I actually have more disposable income than she does, and definitely less worry! DM often asks me if I'm 'jealous' of their new car, new kitchen etc etc, and I really think she doesn't believe me when I say I'm not, I'm much happier with my older things, that I could replace if I wanted to but I don't see the need.

She's always offering to give / lend me money 'but I wouldn't do the same for Dsis as she doesn't need it', no matter how many times I say I don't need it. If I say that OH and I aren't going out of a weekend because we're a bit skint or are saving for something rather than buying it straight away, she immediately thinks that we're on the poverty line!

I think you kind of get allocated a role in the family in their heads and then the perception just doesn't shift for some reason!! My mum means well but it is quite odd.

[user1474652148]

After years of similar irritations, I can only share with you the only thing that worked for me, I started making a joke of said issue non stop, that was the only thing that put a stop to it....It became a source of hilarity and really helped me feel better.

I would say christmas is cancelled because we can't afford it, I haven't called you for a week because we can't afford it, is there any chance they could send a food parcel, money for some electricity, the baliffs are coming, you could have endless fun winding her up!
Trust me after a while she will get the picture.
It becomes an acute and hilarious form of entertainment, no need to be defensive or to block her out, just simply play up to your new role! If you are invited to a wedding or a family dinner all the better :) Especially after a few wines. Turn up without any shoes, honestly you can really have some fun.

You do NOT need to justify your finances or your life choices to anyone is the bottom line. It is very undermining to make you feel inadequate, and actually taking away your achievements and pride in your life. It is actually really horrible, and yet lots of parents do it.

Your new poor destitute is me routine will soon shut her up, particularly if you start telling her neighbours you are about to be homeless do they have a spare bed, food, etc :) Good luck - it worked beautifully for me I have to say, not one peep since!