Would this annoy you? My mum always makes out that DH and I are poor

[MoonBabyMoonBaby]

DH and I both have decently paid jobs and a comfortable lifestyle. My Dsis and her husband both have jobs of a similar nature/pay and enjoy a comfortable lifestyle too. My Dsis has always been favoured by my mum.

My mum constantly makes comments making out that DH and I are poor and that my sister and BIL are not poor. For example we have decorated our living room in the past few weeks and bought new furniture. I spoke to my mum on the phone last night and she said we'd done well decorating it especially since we "Only have DH's and my earnings coming in". I said we both earn a decent salary but she just ignored me. We get comments like this ALL THE TIME! It infuriates me. She will then in the next breath start talking about what a good job my sister has and about how they can afford expensive things.

She also, all the time goes on and on about how she hates the benefits system but doesn't mind paying into the system at the moment as DH and I apparently get benefits. We get no benefits at all, not even child benefit, and no matter how many times I re-iterate that we don't get any benefits she still seems to think that we do.

She also quizzes me all the time about everything that the DCs and I wear, asking if it's new and how much did it cost, and making comments like "I don't know, all these new clothes, wasting money that you don't have", even when we are not wearing anything new at all and I've never ever said to her that I spend money that we don't have.

AIBU to be pissed off with these comments?

[Letmesleepalready]

We have the opposite sometimes, we get told we should do x y and z (all expensive things) even though everyone knows we have only one not great wage coming in. We're happy enough living within our means, but if we tried to do everything suggested we'd be in an awful lot of debt!

[Hullygully]

She is quite mad

[EveOnline2016]

Do your DP or you work from home.

[NewDad1]

I'll be over the moon if my daughters earn more than me... I can 'guilt' them into spending it on me in my dotage, moaning on about I how much I had to give up in life to afford the best for them...

... in fact my whole 'retirement plan' for the beach house in Malibu revolves around them getting ludicrously high paid jobs in 'The City' ...

Personally, I'd just ignore it... let it flow like water off the proverbial duck's back, after all, it's really her problem not yours... I imagine most of us rarely listened to our parents as teenagers anyway, so no reason to start now...

Parents... pfft... who's 'ave 'em

[dodobookends]

We have entirely the opposite problem, MIL is always telling us how DH's brother & sister and their respective DP's are struggling at the moment, and things are a bit tight for them.

Er... hardly. They are pretty comfortably off when you compare them with us

[Lancelottie]

Mine tends to say 'Your dad thinks it's such a shame that you don't have a job. '

No he doesn't. Because I do.

[Lancelottie]

Oh, and the other favourite: 'Is that another new top?'

For context, I tend to see her about four times a year. I don't always wear the same t-shirt for it.

[Letmesleepalready]

Lancelottie you know you've got to take a photo of yourself on one of your meeting days and make sure to wear the same outfit every time for the next 10 years now

[Memoires]

My gm did a version of this. In her case it was to encourage me and my cousin to compete - not so much against each other, but in order to do the best we each could iyswim. If that's what your mum's doing then she's years too late, but in families, roles get dished out quite early and stick forever.

[lalalalyra]

DH's Granny used to do this. I think it was mostly because I was a single-mother who worked term-time. So in her mind I had a "wee job" to keep me amused and because DH's job is a weeks on-weeks off affair she assumed lots of free time equalled poor salary. BIL has a job that he loves. It pays enough to put a roof over his head, run his car and have two weeks in the sun each year. He's happy with that.

Yet GMIL always went on and on as if we were headed for the workhouse while BIL was on his way to buying a yacht! No matter how many times she was corrected (by BIL mostly, she always thought of him as being quite tight 'given his income' - which he wasn't).

[ChasedByBees]

That sounds really weird. I think you should challenge it, but it probably requires a sit down chat and then call her out every time she does it in future.

[YappyYapster]

We get a bizzare twist on this. Dh earns a fair whack and I'm a SAHM due to ill health.

My sister and her Dh earn just slightly over min wage (her part time).

We are spendthrifts who are questioned on every purchase we make. We haven't had a family holiday for two years but do live in a gorgeous house (with a hefty mortgage) which we bought with no outside help. Dh works 7-3 so according to my mother works part time. He also does a fuck tonne of overtime, which my parents think is 'unlike him'.

Dsis and her Dh, on the other hand, work SO SO hard and deserve every one of their three holidays a year, and because they are such grafters my parents were happy to give them £60k towards their house purchase.

It's a headfucker but I've learned to rise above it.

[AmeliaJack]

"What are you talking about Mum? Why on earth do you think you know anything about our financial situation?"

[Lancelottie]

Letmesleep you are so right!

[user1471434605]

We get this from my Mum but in reverse. We're so rich and she's so poor etc, etc, despite the fact that she and my Dad own two properties and drive a brand new car. When she visits she opens my wardrobe going, "I want to see your new stuff, how much did this cost and this and this?" It's infuriating and done with more than a hint of spite. She watches everything we do and listens to everything we say with slit-eyed jealousy. The irony is, she has more than most and yet appreciates none of it. Someone always has more and it's not fair - somehow, even her own daughter is getting ahead at her expense. So I hear you, OP. It's not a nice thing to do. Surely, the only question she should be asking is, "Are you happy?"

[ShatnersBassoon]

It is weird. Why on earth would she think you're poor if you're quite clearly not?

Having said that, my own dear mum is a bit of a pain for patronising me about money. She says things like, "Well, a small treat can be very pleasing when the big ones are out of reach," because I bought myself some pyjamas . 1) Pyjamas aren't what I would think of as a treat, and 2) I didn't console myself with pyjamas because I couldn't afford the trip to Maui. She'll also talk me out of buying anything from shoes to malt loaf if she thinks it's a long time until pay day (she has no idea when pay day is).

[c3pu]

Every time your mum mentions you're poor, ask to borrow some money. Increase the amount you ask for every time she says something about being poor.

[Letmesleepalready]

c3pu haha

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

How can she possibly say "you've only got dh's income coming in" when you have a job? Seriously??

Next time tell her you are concerned about her brain function and that you insist she goes with you to the GP. The sooner alzheimers is diagnosed the sooner you can go on medication and hopefully slow its progress.

[Champers4Pampers]

YANBU

This would annoy me too.

My mum does similar with my brother and I. She's always saying how proud she is of my brother having his own flat and saved £30, 000 towards another property. You'd honestly think the man farts gold dust the way she talks about him.

DH & I own are own home (mortage) and have 2 kids. Brother is single and has no DC. Pretty sure if I didn't have kids I'd be better off (who am I kidding, I'd have spent it all on shoes and handbags) but my life is richer as it is.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I don't tell my mother what I spend my money on. It would never come up in conversation "I bought some new pyjamas today Mum", never.

[Marynary]

Obviously she doesn't believe that you and your DH do have good jobs compared with your sister. It's really bizarre that she thinks that you will be on benefits when you don't even get child benefit though. Do you work in the public sector by any chance?

[Greatdomestic]

My parents had this with our oldest sibling. Always going on about how them and their spouse don't have much etc.

I found out several years ago that parents had been subsidising them for years, buying white goods purchases for them, giving them lots of £££ for Christmas, when as an extended family we had all agreed only to buy the kids presents, and within a specific budget.

The fact that eldest sibling and family have the largest house of all of their kids, can afford a cleaner etc completely escaped my parents.

When they came to visit a family member in hospital and my parents gave them ££ for petrol to have visited the family member. I was too upset to pay attention, thought it a bit weird but my husband noticed.

I was a bit confused as to why they did it. Sibling maybe thought parents did the same for all of their kids. But we are all very middle aged, 45+, not kids in their 20's starting out.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Ask to borrow some money and tell her you will pay her back when you get a job. As you are so "poor". As CP3U said, just increase the amount each time she mention it

[ShatnersBassoon]

I don't tell my mother what I spend my money on. It would never come up in conversation "I bought some new pyjamas today Mum", never.

I often take my mum shopping with me. I don't report my purchases to her, she just happens to be there when I make a lot of them. These aren't private phone conversations, she'll tell me to put a malt loaf back in front of everyone in Sainsbury's .