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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to co sleep?

41 replies

Halloweenbaby · 03/10/2016 23:05

Ds is 3 weeks. He wakes every 2-3 hours and is breast fed so dp doesn't have to wake during the night, although he would if I woke him but whats the point in us both being awake at stupid oclock, especially when he is back at work early hours. Anyway, I have had it drilled into me how dangerous co sleeping is, as has dp so he is now adement we wont co sleep with baby. I am just exhausted though, dp has given the occasional bottle during the night so I can get an extra couple of hours in but I really struggle to express and its not the feeding that wears me out but baby doesnt settle after feed unless he is in someones arms preferably mine, so I spend an hour on top of feeding time trying to get him into a deep enough sleep so he doesnt notice being put into his crib. By the time this happens baby is due to wake up within the hour for another feed. I laid baby next to me last night and baby fell asleep instantly but dp went mad saying how potentially dangerous it is ie overheating or me rolling over (I am a heavy sleeper to be fair)
So aibu wanting to co sleep? And if not how do we make it safe as its not something Ive looked into as this wasnt the plan. Or would you reccomend being exhausted now for a couple of months and just riding it out.

OP posts:
LaPharisienne · 04/10/2016 10:03

YY to sleeping on your side with the lower arm out in front of you and curled around the baby - as a midwife told me, you'd have to dislocate your shoulder to roll on the baby. The same midwife told us that you put the baby on the outside of you and your partner, on your side, because studies have shown the mother moves with the baby and wakes up if the baby stirs.

This has definitely been true for me. Good luck.

Osirus · 04/10/2016 11:28

I have co-slept with my 14 week old since she was just over 4 weeks. My DP wasn't happy about the idea, but we had an all-day event to go to and I refused to do it on 3 hours' sleep! It has been amazing - we did it that one night and it worked wonderfully. I felt so rested. Baby only woke once after nights of waking every hour or so. DP does sleep in a separate room though so we have the king size bed to ourselves. Easy to breastfeed lying down and baby always falls asleep during a feed. It's also easier to settle her if she stirs. I adopt the safe sleeping position as detailed above.

Apparently, there is a very small percentage difference between those who died of SIDS in a cot to those who co-slept. It's also important to remember that the data taken into account included those who accidentally fell asleep with their child on a sofa and those who had been drinking etc. There is no direct comparison between those sleeping in a cot and those co-sleeping in an appropriate set-up.

That said, you do have risk factors with your baby being premature, so would be inclined to not to it in these circumstances. If you we're not a heavy sleeper it might be different. I certainly wouldn't do it with my DP in the same bed.

Sparklesilverglitter · 04/10/2016 11:31

Have you seen the next to me cots? I have the Chicco one.

DD is still right near me & DH and I think that helps he sleep but she's not in the bed with us. I've never let her sleep in the bed with me as I'm too much of a worrier

kiwipie · 04/10/2016 11:37

Look into James Mckenna, he's done heaps of research on this. He calls it 'breastsleeping'.

I wouldn't of survived without co-sleeping.

Now 11 and still comes in our bed once we go to bed x

kiwipie · 04/10/2016 11:37

Look into James Mckenna, he's done heaps of research on this. He calls it 'breastsleeping'.

I wouldn't of survived without co-sleeping.

Now 11 and still comes in our bed once we go to bed x

kiwipie · 04/10/2016 11:37

Look into James Mckenna, he's done heaps of research on this. He calls it 'breastsleeping'.

I wouldn't of survived without co-sleeping.

Now 11 and still comes in our bed once we go to bed x

kiwipie · 04/10/2016 11:37

Look into James Mckenna, he's done heaps of research on this. He calls it 'breastsleeping'.

I wouldn't of survived without co-sleeping.

Now 11 and still comes in our bed once we go to bed x

kiwipie · 04/10/2016 11:37

Look into James Mckenna, he's done heaps of research on this. He calls it 'breastsleeping'.

I wouldn't of survived without co-sleeping.

Now 11 and still comes in our bed once we go to bed x

kiwipie · 04/10/2016 11:37

Look into James Mckenna, he's done heaps of research on this. He calls it 'breastsleeping'.

I wouldn't of survived without co-sleeping.

Now 11 and still comes in our bed once we go to bed x

kiwipie · 04/10/2016 11:37

Look into James Mckenna, he's done heaps of research on this. He calls it 'breastsleeping'.

I wouldn't of survived without co-sleeping.

Now 11 and still comes in our bed once we go to bed x

FontSnob · 04/10/2016 11:37

We Co slept and had a bed nest which I'd start ds off in and when her woke to feed pulled him over and fell back to sleep. He still come in with us when he wakes from his room. In the middle of the night. I love it. The other night DD also joined us. Ds was snuggled on my head and DD was draped over my back between me and DH I couldn't have been in a snugglier place. Love it.

kiwipie · 04/10/2016 11:38

Look into James Mckenna, he's done heaps of research on this. He calls it 'breastsleeping'.

I wouldn't of survived without co-sleeping.

Now 11 and still comes in our bed once we go to bed x

PikachuBoo · 04/10/2016 12:44

The health education message about not co-sleeping is because the message "sleeping with your baby can be done safely if you are a non-smoking, non-drinking breastfeeding mother in a non-smoking household; sleeping on a firm surface with no soft bedding (and not on a sofa); and making sure your baby doesn't get too hot" is deemed to complicated a message to get over.

It's not because it's unsafe to do it in all cases. Smoking is the biggest issue in SIDS.

This doesn't mean ignore the prematurity issue. I have no knowledge about that.

I co-slept with mine and answered my critics with research papers. With my first I tried the moses bed and sitting up to feed at night and then realised I was just falling asleep which was more dangerous. I took advice on how to feed safely on my side and never looked back.

caffeine99 · 04/10/2016 13:07

Research safe co-sleeping.

If you're worried you could invest in a co-sleeper side cot. I had one for my youngest and it was ideal.

Cosleeping in my house means that everyone gets more sleep (especially me). I couldn't cope otherwise

Grumpyaboutchristmas · 04/10/2016 13:17

I'm with Enid, you can get a side crib which essentially makes them next to you but not actually in your bed. I feel your pain, night feeding is exhausting and anything which makes it easier helps. My partner decamped to the spare room for the whole time as he had to work and therefore had to sleep (very senior job, very important he was on the ball), but also it meant I could deal as I chose. He had no view on any tactics I employed, which as helpful. I co slept for chunks of time after sleeping but did get dreadful recurring nightmares about squashing her, which I still occasionally have to this day 6 years on.... So I put her in a crib next to me instead. She wasn't Velcro, so was fine, but a side crib is better for a clingy newborn - you can snuggle up close and then roll away when she's off.

As an aside,i do think dad should play a role in making these decisions if they have a view. On so many of these type of threads, people indicate that it's purely mum's decision, dad doesn't matter, 'fuck what he thinks, he isn't lactating' type nonsense. It's a partnership, of course his view matters, just like any other parenting decision. If he's worried, discuss the safety angle. If he's worried about losing you sexually etc, reassure him. Seek resolution, not to impose your terms unilaterally. He matters just as much as your baby in the bigger picture, to both of you.

Teahornet · 04/10/2016 13:18

I don't think I fully heard the James McKenna recommendation. Grin

OP, it's perfectly possible to do a safe, modified version of co-sleeping with all of the benefits and none of the risks. We bought a bedside cot (I think the brand was Troll, and we got it from the NCT, but I'm sure they're widely available) which was essentially a normal cot, with a side that lifted up and over, so you could roll and fix it directly next to the bed and adjust the height until it is exactly level with your mattress - so the baby is in his own separate sleeping space, but within reach of your hand for night-time comfort and feeding.

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