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Original poster

Child maintenance query

44 replies

GettingScaredNow · 03/10/2016 21:09

Posting here for traffic.

STBXH asked me today if I would consider letting him reduce how much maintenance he pays so he can rent a flat so he has somewhere to go when he sees the kids. (He currently lives in a house share and refuses to take the DC there)

I replied to say perhaps he should pick up the hours he just voluntarily reduced at work first before asking his kids to help finance this.

His reply is outright saying that the CMA advised him to ask me this. Would they do that? We don't use the service but I will be after this as this is now the third thing to do with maintenance from him and I can't be arsed to deal with it anymore.
He says he told them I would say no and just want to make things difficult for him but they advised him to ask me anyway 'for the record'.
I'm struggling to believe this? Would they advise this?

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 04/10/2016 12:37

I have to say ..I agree with the posters who say go through CMS... Tell him you spoke to CMS and they advised to go through them...

It takes any reason to discuss money with him..

Original poster
GettingScaredNow · 04/10/2016 12:46

He is paying the minimum amount as stipulated by CMS. If he was over paying then I wouldn't feel like I could refuse this request.

He recently 'took back' some money as his work docked him for some unworked hours. Long story short. He said he had over paid for a few weeks so he worked out how much he had over paid and paid that much less to me last week. I couldn't be bothered to argue.

I am going to go through the CMS now. I've had enough. It's just such pressure on me that I don't need.

OP posts:
Fidelia · 04/10/2016 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GettingScaredNow · 04/10/2016 15:56

It's so tough though cos I am endlessly living in fear and waiting for his next grumble and upset and huge drama.

I can't wait til we get it all sorted so everyone knows what they are doing and essentially I no longer have to contact him or vice versa

OP posts:
paxillin · 04/10/2016 16:11

Well, he did say cms advised him. So tell him you agree with him, this is best done by the cms, makes it fair. Cms will ensure he gives you a low but reliable amount. He won't be able to skip or reduce payments as he pleases.

FayKorgasm · 04/10/2016 17:05

Go through CMS and court ordered access. He is not a reasonable person. The whole one child on saturday one child on sunday is just another way of controlling you.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 04/10/2016 17:16

You know if you agree to this request then the next one will be a message saying he needs bigger car to able to take the kids out for the day or a trip away don't you??? He has a roof over his head. If he needs an improvement on that its up to him to sort it out. Millions of women do this when they leave their controlling men with nothing but their kids and the clothes on their backs.

user1475600448 · 04/10/2016 18:10

I believe that you shouldn't cut down the money he's giving you as he mad his bed so he should lay in it and at the end of the day if he was to have the children full time he would be saying the money is not enough as it not so don't cut it down
Plus do what you think is best for you and your family

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/10/2016 18:16

you can be fir for work, with adaptions, and still be considerably disabled. Benign growths can and do press on things, obviously, there is no spare space in the brain for it not to. They can and do cause pain, disability and death. There is nothing trivial about this condition at all, but it seems to be being dismissed as hypochondria, just because he is disliked.

I actually agree.

needsahalo · 04/10/2016 18:28

There is nothing trivial about this condition at all, but it seems to be being dismissed as hypochondria, just because he is disliked

Really? The OP was present at various appointments. Presumably she is able to understand what was said. Even if it is a serious tumour, does that make it OK to behave in the way the OP has described? If he is well enough to work, should he not be supporting his children at minimal, legally enforceable, levels? Should the OP's children not be able to depend on their father to make regular, meaningful contact with them that isn't designed to cause stress to their mother? Or does being ill in some way make it ok to abuse your children and ex wife?

Longlost10 · 04/10/2016 18:39

Or does being ill in some way make it ok to abuse your children and ex wife? abuse is not ok, but I don't see anything in the op that refers to abuse?

And this illness certainly changes the whole field of play, earning potential, capabilities, outlook, financial situation for both parties, etc

needsahalo · 04/10/2016 18:45

There is clear abuse described. Confused

ElsieMc · 04/10/2016 18:51

I would be a bit careful here. My gs lives with me and sees his dad eow. There is a court order in place for this and it has moved backwards and forwards between supervised and unsupervised due to his violent offending.

Moving from CSA to CMS and I have told them he cannot have gs overnight due to this and he stays with his dad's parents. Cue his dad insisting he sleeps at his parents on these weekends - which he does not. However, CMS insist that financial support be reduced for gs because he has shared care!

I have a funny feeling it could well be to do with this. The CSA always stated he absolutely did not have shared care, but brace yourself for the CMS. Phones go unanswered, staff act like Judges yet not knowing what they are talking about, quoting court orders to you as though you were not there, insulting their service users and calling them liars. Cold, unprofessional, indifferent staff.

What he says sounds unlikely and the reality sounds more like what I have described.

petalsandstars · 04/10/2016 18:52

longlost there is a massive backstory which definitely makes him abusive and he only does anything to benefit himself. Including seeing the DC I would imagine so he can pay less.

greenandblackssurvivalkit · 04/10/2016 19:11

Use the CMS, and outsource all these discussions. You can't reduce the amount you pay for the kids to get better accommodation. How much privacy do you get?!

Reduce the conflict you can have with this psychopath. Let the CMS handle the maintenance, and disengage.

Longlost10 · 04/10/2016 19:34

longlost there is a massive backstory

there might well be, doesn't change the fact that he has a brain tumour, (which can affect personality, aggression and behaviour, incidentally)

I agree, get this resolved through the courts, he clearly isn't getting a fair hearing from his ex, and she doesn't feel like she is being treated fairly either, so courts is the way forward.

Jessesbitch · 04/10/2016 19:44

Sounds like a pineal cyst in his brain. Yes they come and go. People don't normally have anything done.

Manumission · 04/10/2016 20:07

I remember the gas lighting psychobunny too.

Don't engage with him.

Let the CMC deal with CM from now on. You'll have to take the 1/7 reduction on the chin, but at least there'll be less hassle.

greenfolder · 04/10/2016 20:35

Just put it in the hands of the cma.

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