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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my family cared more about my daughter

28 replies

Needfinsnow · 02/10/2016 20:54

So....I'm a single,mum and my dd'sfather won't acknowledge her. It's hard, I work so hard just to stay afloat, I rely on my parents for one night a week babysitting so I can work, and two school pickups (I'm home within an hour of school ending). But my parents act like they can't stand her. They are always telling her off, they have no boundaries but yell at her when she does something wrong (like pick her nose). We have one meal a month with them and they are so disinterested in her, anything she has to say, and just tell her off she doesn't eat much...but all they talk about is my oldest brother.. Literally it's two hours of him...if she tries to talk they ignore her or tell her she is annoying them and she "needs to shut up and eat" they never ever take her out with them because they enjoy spending time with her, she is a lovely, bright, intelligent, funny, kind and sweet child, she is no trouble to be with. Her TA from last year has taken us both under her wing and comes out with us on days out etc just because she misses my dd. She's not a bad child, I just don't know what to do to make my family be kind to her!

OP posts:

DerekSprechenZeDick · 02/10/2016 20:56

You need to find other childcare for her. It's not fair leaving her with people who are like that.

How do you think they speak to her when you aren't there?!

Original poster

Needfinsnow · 02/10/2016 21:09

Derek you are right, I've heard how hey speak to her when I'm not about,.. It's horrible. But my dd absolutely adores my mum (she gives her endless sweets and let's her watch tv for hours!) x

OP posts:

DerekSprechenZeDick · 02/10/2016 21:10

But your mum doesn't adore her..

That is what matters. Your daughter will end up thinking that it's normal to be spoke to like that

Mylittlelights · 02/10/2016 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/10/2016 21:16

They sound horrible, really horrible.

Why are they treating a child so poorly?

Original poster

Needfinsnow · 02/10/2016 21:30

They treat her badly because they are ashamed of me, they can't accept I failed my uni life (due to a exceptionally close friend dying just before finals, and another friend killing themself (after trying to ring me but I was asleep). They do t believe in depression, say it's mind over matter. But ,y bro gf has a very big,happy dog, that has hurt my dd in past, and the dog is so welcomed in their home, more so than my dd as parents wand bros gf to feel welcomed..

OP posts:

Domino20 · 02/10/2016 21:37

Can you swap some school pick ups and child care with another single Mum from school? Ask the TA if she knows of anyone that might like an arrangement like this. Really I wouldn't leave my child in a situation as you've described. It's so hard as a single parent. I really wish you all the best!

RiverTam · 02/10/2016 21:39

I would not want my child to be looked after anyone who told her to shut up.

Start looking for different childcare. They don't sound good for your DD at all, however much TV and sweets she g ts from them.

KC225 · 02/10/2016 21:59

Is there an after school club she can go to? Can you come to a reciprocal arrangement with another parent? Can you get working tax credits to help with childcare? I also agree with the poster above who suggested asking if the TA knows of any childcare help.

It is not right that your daughter is being 'punished' for your parents outdated views on achievement and success and I am surprised you are putting up with it. I would also stop eating there unless some drastic changes are made. You know it is wrong for your daughter to think this is normal. Perhaps some distance will give them food for thought and make them appreciate you both a little more.

HKHKHR · 02/10/2016 22:20

So sad for your daughter. She shouldn't be with them.

Original poster

Needfinsnow · 03/10/2016 08:17

Will look into after school club for sure! It's just so sad that she's not a little more treasured. Feel like if I had succeeded at uni and gone into chosen career (law) they would like me more and be kinder to the two of us, but if I had qualified and gone down that path I wouldn't have had my dd and she's amazing, I'd never be without her!

OP posts:

Beebeeeight · 03/10/2016 08:22

Keep getaway from a dangerous dog for a start!

They sound toxic.

Can you go back to uni?

Squeegle · 03/10/2016 08:22

It is sad that she's not more treasured I agree. But your parents don't sound very sympathetic - look at how they are with you! They're not going to change, so hard as it might be it is time to face up to this and make your and your daughter's life richer by finding other people to spend time with

Arkhamasylum · 03/10/2016 10:00

Don't let your daughter feel that she has to win the approval of your parents. You seem to think the way the behave is because of something you've done. It's not. It's them. They are horrible.

Have you tried standing up to them? Have you said 'don't dare talk to her like that?' If you have, and it hasn't worked, or you can't, I would just do whatever it takes to keep her away from them.

splendidglenda · 03/10/2016 18:54

You cannot allow your daughter to be in the care of your parents. They are abusive towards her. If she adores your mum then this relationship doesn't need to end but you must supervise visits.

Lovewineandchocs · 03/10/2016 19:05

This sounds very toxic. I know you posted before about them-do you live next door to them or was that another poster? Your DD was upset about your bro not spending as much time as he used to with her since he got a new GF? They sound very unkind and uncaring, treating your daughter as an inconvenience and being horrible to her! As others have said, please get alternative childcare and tell them they won't be required anymore.

Lovewineandchocs · 03/10/2016 19:07

Our school has a PM club, just for 1 hour after school finishes. Does your DDs school have anything like that? Re the babysitting one night a week, maybe the TA knows someone?

RaeSkywalker · 03/10/2016 19:09

I agree with everyone else- find alternative childcare, ASAP.

cheekybean · 03/10/2016 19:10

Hi first post for me here.

I have the same problem as OP. My mum dislikes my 4yo dd and picks on her, belittles her etc. It breaks my heart when she does it. My dd adores her granny for some reason. However granny loves my oldest son, thinks the sun shines out of his bottom to such a point that even my daughter has noticed.

Its hard, but i dont take my kids to see her anymore. She can't have one and not the other which is how she would prefer it such as decorating the spare room in lightening mcqeen.

I recently had a second son. He is six weeks old and my mum has already started with the nasty comments. Im afraid some people are just like that. I thought after my brother died 15 years ago that my mum would throw herself into my family but nothing could be further from the truth!

Remove your children from that attitude because it will hurt them because it hurts you!

Trefoil · 03/10/2016 19:11

My parents are similar OP. I understand

Trefoil · 03/10/2016 19:25

My mum said she'd leave the country if I got pregnant! You have your beautiful DD xx

Realhousewivesofshit · 03/10/2016 19:34

Jesus the nasty fuckers. Op you won't ever please people like this. Stop trying and withdraw and find other child care. A cm or another mum for cash.

Realhousewivesofshit · 03/10/2016 19:35

Trefoil why for goodness sake?

2kids2dogsnosense · 03/10/2016 19:37

My dad's mother was like this - she hated me. She hated my mother, and I was the oldest child. I think she thought my mam and dad would have split up if I hadn't come along (she did her very best to split them up for their entire marriage).

She bought things form siblings and left me out; she said things like "I don't know how you're so ugly - all the rest are good looking." She told me I was an idiot to go to university because I'd "never do it". In short, she destroyed my confidence totally - please don't let this happen to your wonderful little daughter.

Find some other childcare, and if your parents are unkind to her in your presence, pull them about it. Don't let it go unchallenged. It is cruel and having experienced it myself (not trying to hijack your thread, honestly) I wouldn't want any other child going through it.

She will become aware of it very soon if she isn't already - don't let her be in a position where she cries herself to sleep, or dreads going to them, or becomes emotionally vulnerable because she seeks affirmation from the wrong people.

You are obviously a loving mother, but I think that perhaps your brother has always been the favourite and you have internalised this without being aware of it, and this has led you to finding it difficult to defend your child against your family's unkindness (though I bet you would throw yourself into the jaws of a tiger to save her from an obvious threat!).

Both of you need to break free from this spite - body should treat a child like this. It is awful.

2kids2dogsnosense · 03/10/2016 19:40

*"nobody should treat a child like this" - not "body"

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