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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up with nursery

49 replies

Mrstumbletap · 02/10/2016 16:33

DS is 3 and attends nursery 2 days a week. At home he is a bouncy energetic toddler, that talks well, and is loving and sweet.

At nursery he will sometimes hit or push other children and he has on a few occasions bitten anther child. We are always mortified when they tell us and in the whole of September there was one biting incident and on Friday there were 3 incidents in one day, where he either pushed or hit another child (they didn't see)

We have tried everything we can think of, rewards and stickers if he has a good day, talking to him continually about being gentle and gentle hands, to now taking it up a notch and taking away his favourite toys when he gets home and stern talks.

We are at a loss and don't know what to do, nursery always say 'we didn't see what happened on that occasion' which frustrates us even more but tell us like they want us to fix it. How can we fix it?

OP posts:

GratedCarrotStick · 02/10/2016 21:20

If it's any comfort my ds1 was quite like that with the hitting from no age. My original childminder wasn't concerned as she said most children do it and go through that phase. It originally seemed to be like he didn't know what to do with himself so just hit someone or something then it graduated to emotional and/or hyper behaviour. When he went to crèche and preschool there seemed to be a phase of all te boys having this boisterous behaviour for a few days. Ds1 was on both ends of this behaviour and being hit by another child seemed to alert him to what it was like and there wasn't another incident after. We never let his behaviour go unmentioned if it happened on our watch and if it was with someone else we told him how sad it made us however it didn't seem to change anything. It seemed to be something he just had to from out of. He's 4 now and does seem to have grown out of it. He can still get carried away when we are carrying on but nowhere near as bad. Hope that helps.

GratedCarrotStick · 02/10/2016 21:22

I have to agree though with pp though that the nursery don't seem to be handling this well.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 02/10/2016 21:41

If they havnt got enough staff to watch him constantly - move him. It's their job to watch him constantly for his safety and his progress.

It sounds piss poor

Blink1982 · 03/10/2016 00:10

My son was the pusher at nursery. I started saying an almost mantra to him about what happens when he's at school "no hitting, no pushing, share share" it's worked thank god. I think his problem was if he touched a toy and played with it then left it, he felt like someone was taking his toys if they came along to play with it, and he'd kick off. I used to dread the pick up.

Realhousewivesofshit · 03/10/2016 00:37

As a cm for many years I think your ds sounds completely normal while your nursery sounds a tad lax.

Don't let it ruin your weekends op that's mad.

See how it goes and my guess is in 6 months he will have 'matured'

My oldest ds was a bit of s fighter at 3, he's now the most laid back 26 year old dad of a baby ds. They change. Relax and don't stress too much.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/10/2016 01:36

My dd bit and pushed a couple of times
Perfectly normal
Don't punish so long after the fact, talk about it yes, punishment makes no sense minutes later, so hours later even less.
Please don t stress, your son will not be not grow up to be a thug because he's a bit rough in nursery

HSMMaCM · 03/10/2016 01:49

They should be able to tell you exactly what happened and what they did about it. You don't need to do anything apart from emphasise good behaviour.

LilQueenie · 03/10/2016 01:59

that sounds like my DD in p1. she never went to nursery and they have put it down to that. she is not like that at home or with friends out of school. If anything her behaviour at home has went downhill since starting school. My anxiety is through the roof about her going back. She has been off for a bit and the relief was overwhelming. I really felt a weight lifted. I really hope you get things sorted OP. I'll be following this thread.

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 03/10/2016 02:20

That's rubbish from the nursery. If they didn't see it, they cannot assume it was your DS and they cannot assume it wasn't 'self defence'. If they are constantly 'not seeing what happened' then their care is inadequate & their response lazy.

Turn it back on them and ask why they didn't see what happened and why in that case they're blaming your DS - seems he's an easy scape goat.

Definitely don't punish him at home. If you don't punish him he will open up more and given nursery have no bloody idea what happened he might have just been pushing someone to stop them hurting him or to stop them snatching his things. I've seen small kids push their hands/arms into another child's face and when that child pushed them away, or bit , they got in trouble. It's so wrong.l

If you put him into a childminder now, he will be a lot older when he goes to school and in a totally different environment. He won't necessarily react in the same way then as now. I really wouldn't worry about that or keep him in nursery in the hope this behaviour is 'ironed out'. It might not be bad behaviour anyway.

TrillKitten · 03/10/2016 02:35

I know it's frustrating and there are a lot of people chiming in to criticise the nursery and its staff, but it is very possible the nursery aren't legally allowed to give 'proper' punishments/consequences. Could you ask them what the extent of their powers is in this situation and work with them? Having been employed in a similar setting I can assure you these restrictions are frustrating to the staff too, and working together with them is far better than getting annoyed that they wont do something that could risk their job ..

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 03/10/2016 20:01

Thank you all for your replies, I have discussed it with DH and I do need to chill out about it, I think it's even affecting my sleep I'm thinking about it so much, how ridiculous!

He went to nursery today and came back with a scratch on his face from another little girl, but they said it was a 50/50 scuffle, over in a few seconds. My DS said he roared like a dinosaurs in her face and she hit him. But to be honest as long as he isn't causing the injury I don't actually mind that much, again how ridiculous. I would rather him be the injured one not the hitter.

He attends nursery again on Friday so will wait for the next update!

OP posts:

PaperStars · 03/10/2016 20:44

My son is 4 now but when he was 2 he used to bite a lot. Nursery came to me and asked how we deal with bad behaviour at home and I said time out and they adopted that. They also saw the lead up to the biting and determined it happened when other children got in his personal space so it helped to know the trigger. Nursery needs to be on board with your parenting style and be consistent. And how they missed all the incidents of it happening I don't know

minipie · 03/10/2016 21:06

DD was an occasional hitter and biter up until 3 and a bit. So you have my sympathy!

DD's nursery were good at doing the ABC mentioned above, and they noticed she only did it as a last resort - eg if someone wasn't sharing, biting might happen after she'd asked nicely then asked again and still not got anywhere.

So we started teaching DD what to do instead in this situation: "if something makes you cross, you don't hit or bite, you tell a teacher".

Like a pp said this became a sort of mantra that we repeated every day before nursery and eventually it did seem to work. She still has a strop sometimes when other children won't play ball (she is a rather stroppy ummm emotionally volatile child ) but it's not physical any more.

minipie · 03/10/2016 21:09

Sorry forgot my point which is - the key is to work out in what circumstances he is doing this and then give him an alternative way to react (tell a teacher, find a quiet space, say "that's not nice!" etc).

But to do that, you need the nursery to be watching more closely.

LottieDoubtie · 03/10/2016 21:26

No this is not possible - what law are you thinking of specifically?

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 07/10/2016 20:59

So after nursery pick up yesterday, DH was told DS took a toy car off a child and hit child on the back of the head with it. Very strange, he isn't vicious like that at home or anywhere else, he is impulsive yes, you take the toy out of his hand he sometimes may have a strop, sometimes he is fine. But to walk up and hurt another child unprovoked and hit him, I have never see him do that.

I spoke to nursery today, and his key worker said they are short staffed, that with 30 kids in a room it's gets stressful and they think the kids pick up on their stress.

They also said he isn't great at sitting still on the matt for long periods of time, how long is a 3 year old supposed to sit still? He sits lovely and quiet for a story with me, or doing a puzzle at home etc. I said could you encourage him positively and maybe say if you sit for 5 minutes like a big boy you will get a sticker and let him put a sticker on a chart or something? (He loves a sticker at home). They said they will make a chart next week and buy some stickers.

Am I being unreasonable thinking they should be coming up with these ideas an not me as I'm paying them hundreds of pounds to do just that?

OP posts:

minipie · 07/10/2016 21:44

Do you have any option of a different nursery? I'd be pretty unimpressed with a nursery that told me they were understaffed, stressed and that this was affecting the kids' behaviour - but then didn't tell me how they were working to fix this.

glenthebattleostrich · 07/10/2016 22:07

I would be concerned about the nursery and staff. Children shouldn't be picking up on the staff stress.

I'd certainly be looking for an alternative.

QuackDuckQuack · 07/10/2016 22:49

Some of those factors - 30 children in a class and being short staffed - are beyond the control of the room staff.

I'd look for a more suitable set up as your DS as he will be there for a long time (in terms of the life of a 3 year old).

I think that good behaviour in a nursery is part of the nursery culture. The culture of a workplace/childcare setting would be a challenge to change and would probably change slowly. It's not worth hanging about for that change to happen.

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 08/10/2016 18:19

Thank you agin for your replies.

So would you think pull him from this nursery (funding is already paid up until Christmas so it would be a January change) and change to a different nursery where he will learn the social skills, or maybe a childminder where it will be calmer and he is likely to not to have any issues. But then when he goes to school he will need to be socialised?

Difficult, as we pulled him from the childminder he had a year ago as she was leaving him in the car whilst she nipped into a pharmacy, and leaving DS with her elderly mum whilst she did the school run. We aren't having much luck are we?!

Childminder or nursery?

OP posts:

HSMMaCM · 08/10/2016 20:14

Visit both and see how you feel. There are good and bad of both. A good childminder will be able to educate and socialise children and prepare them for school. You need to visit a range of different places to choose from.

HSMMaCM · 08/10/2016 20:14

HSMMaCM · 08/10/2016 20:15

Sorry - said it failed the first time!

QuackDuckQuack · 08/10/2016 21:14

I'd see what's available. If a genuinely good nursery isn't available then a good childminder would be better than a poor nursery and vice versa.

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