To ask if you think I need help?

[Laura223939]

For some background, I had some fairly serious PND after DS3 was born two years ago, serious to the point where I felt as though suicide may be an option, though I never planned it or anything like that. I also have a pretty stressful home life - DS1 and 2 have SN and are both pretty high maintenance. We've been in a long and protracted battle to get them special school places, which it looks as though we have finally won.

Throughout this, my MH has not been brilliant. Panic attacks, feelings of isolation and feeling as though I don't belong. Feeling as though everyone is looking at me and judging me, particularly if I am out with DC. I absolutely hate going out without DH.

Worst part was over the summer where I couldn't drive. I had a confrontation with someone in a road near where I live because I parked, completely legally, outside her house in an empty street and she came out and yelled at me. It destroyed me. I had no resilience and just couldn't cope with driving and doing something "wrong" again in case someone yelled at me.

The past couple of weeks we had some good news about DS2's school place, and DH started a much better paid job. It looked as though things were looking up. I've been able to drive again and I felt confident enough to go into town while DS2 was at nursery.

Yesterday, it happened again. A woman who had been waiting to cross the road suddenly decided to step out in front of my car just as the lights changed and I was about to pull off. She yelled at me as if it was my fault, and for some reason, because I am weak and useless, I apologised as if it was my fault. I feel so subhuman. I should have shouted back, I should have rolled my eyes and carried on about my day as if nothing had happened, everyone else would have done.

But I can't. I replay it over and over, thinking about how she must know me and hate me now, and all the things I should have said that would make me a normal person. Now I can't drive again. Even thinking about it makes me sweat!

I know this isn't normal. To have no resilience to anything that goes wrong. And I've fought so many people recently to get what I want at school for my DS recently, what is wrong with me? Has anyone else experienced this?

I have absolutely zero childcare and DH works long hours, so I can't do CBT or counselling or hypnotherapy or anything without taking at least one of the kids with me. My GP is hopeless - I insisted I didn't want ADs because it would have meant stopping breastfeeding and she just wrote me out a prescription anyway. I felt steamrollered and judged by her too.

Do I need help? Will this get better by itself? Is it just a normal side effect of such a long period of stress?

I think you need some help with the kids. Everyone needs at least a little time on their own. Find a babysitter, or maybe there is away to find other moms through here where you can trade off looking after each other's kids? Minimally have your husband help on the weekends so you can have some time on your own and see a therapist. There must be someone who works on Saturday.

Then yes, maybe counseling could help you get a thicker skin and a little more confidence.

Exercise helps people cope with stress. Is there a gym that has child care so you can go there for an hour or too?

I live near saffron walden. If you are near me I could watch a child for a time each week.

Good luck.

Personally OP I do think you need the AD's, counselling will help but its normally combined with the AD's. I'd suggest you probably need some CBT counselling to help retrain your brain to stop thinking so negatively of yourself because you're not weak and useless you just feel like that right now but that doesn't make it true.

I know you said you were breastfeeding and that's why you didnt want to take the AD's but I think you really need to OP, it will help you and those around you and it will take some AD's 14 days to start making any difference so the sooner you start the sooner you will start to feel the benefit, you might not be on them for a long time it just might be enough to get over this bump.

Hold strong OP you sound like you are doing the best you can its now time to do the best you can for you. Hope things get better for you OP

Do you have family that could help at all? Is it possible to put one (or more) of the children into childcare at the same time? Even for just half a day.

It sounds as though you have fought so hard for your DC that you are now exhausted and have lost that fight for yourself. We do, as parents, put our babies needs before our own. And this is necessary a lot of the time, but it is SO SO important for you to put your needs first sometimes.

Ask to see a different GP or change practice if you're still not happy? Can you speak to the HV? Do you have local children's centres that could support you? Sometimes they offer sessions with a crèche at the same time.

Can you speak to your DH and be open and honest about what you need? Surely there can be a time he could take the kids at the weekend? Even just for a few hours. You could go for a swim/spa/coffee with a friend? Is there anyone you can speak to just to vent? You do sound like you may have depression/anxiety, and any knock in any way shape or form will make you feel worse. The resilience comes when you're feeling mentally strong, don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you have to deal with a lot.

Hope you get the support you need soon & then can start looking yourself.

Oh gosh OP, I could have written this myself! It sounds like you've got really really low self esteem.
Many GP practices offer online CBT therapy, which could be so helpful to you. CBT is the best thing I ever did. Things aren't always great. But are generally on the up.
How can you get some support with the children to start living life a little bit more for yourself?

I swear I saw an ad in my doctors recently for online counselling - if you can't go to them might that work? The receptionist would probably know if you can access that without you needing to make a proper appointment. You sound really at the end of your tether - it's awful knowing you have MH problems but not how to ease them. for you.