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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to go nuts that his sons are being called 'visitors'?

49 replies

hotmessmom82 · 02/10/2016 11:32

My sons dad has emailed this morning 2hrs before he was due to have the eldest, as his gf is 'ill' and he can't have 'visitors'! I'm fuming mainly due to the fact they are being called 'visitors'. They are his children. He only has them in the day as it is as apparently she can't deal with having them overnight, I am trying to be reasonable but really feel like slapping the pair of them at the minute!

OP posts:
Realhousewivesofshit · 02/10/2016 12:09

Your poor ds. They sound vile. Make sure you let his dad know how unhappy he was and didsapoinged although I guess he really doesn't care.

She sounds s total bitch too.

EmmaMacgill · 02/10/2016 12:12

What a thoughtless idiot, does he not realise the damage he's doing to his relationship with this children?
I can never understand parents who do this, I guess he can continue putting every random GF before his boys, but ultimately it will be his loss when 15/20 years from now his son's treat him with the same disregard.

Ruletheroost · 02/10/2016 12:17

What a dick! Tell him not to visit with his gf then but to visit his sons instead.
OH helpful suggestion - Get them to make visitor badges to proudly wear on their visit.

gettingtherequickly · 02/10/2016 12:17

They sound like they deserve each other. Your EDS shouldn't have to go where he's not wanted. Shitty for you and him, but your ex will lose out in the long term.

Thinkingblonde · 02/10/2016 12:22

"Oh, sorry to hear she's not well, she'd be better off in bed. You could take him to the park, find a quiet bench and let him read his book to you, he's been sooooo excited with his new skill and wants to show you. If not, you should speak to DS yourself and explain why you're not seeing him today."

KayTee87 · 02/10/2016 12:26

Sound like a pair of wankers. I agree he should be explaining to his son why he isn't seeing him but don't take him somewhere he isn't wanted.

EmmaMacgill · 02/10/2016 12:29

I'm sorry, I ged so angry about this because DH's father was exactly the same. He's virtually NC with him now and has endured many years of hurt because of his father's sheer uselessness. It took him a long time to come to terms with it and realise that this is his dad's problem not his. His father has a very lonely life now, all of his own making.
Protect your sons and let them always know how important and special they are even if their father doesn't realise it.

Rubies12345 · 02/10/2016 12:34

Why doesn't he take them out somewhere then

midsummabreak · 02/10/2016 12:38

You are so much better off without the bastard
soul detroying for your child though
Echo Emmamacgill's words above-
"Protect your sons and let them always know how important and special they are even if their father doesn't realise it."

cosytoaster · 02/10/2016 12:40

He's a dick - don't blame you at all for being furious

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 02/10/2016 12:52

Wow! Yanbu!

Jessbow · 02/10/2016 13:13

If he is only having him for a day, suggest they go out somewhere

RebootYourEngine · 02/10/2016 13:31

I would be tearing a strip off of him.

How old are your dcs?

2kids2dogsnosense · 02/10/2016 14:53

He's being a total tosser - but I wouldn't drop the boys off regardless - he and his gf might be really snide and nasty to them and that would be worse.

How very upsetting for you all though - the boys because they'll want to see their dad, and you because you can see how much all this hurts them.

You could point out that as you are having to feed them etc for another day, it would be very helpful if he could drop off the money for a pizza - then they would have a chance to give him a hug and would know that he "really does care".

Lunar1 · 02/10/2016 15:05

Couldn't the girlfriend just have gone to bed if she was so ill. She's not needed for your children to see their dad and he could have just popped upstairs with food and drinks when needed.

hotmessmom82 · 02/10/2016 15:06

I think I just have to take the high road because he will end up regretting this as the eldest is already losing interest in seeing him and that is what I've been trying to avoid.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 02/10/2016 15:21

Obviously, she wants their DF, but not his sons. Well, there were times when I've not really wanted DSC in my life, they were grown when I met him, so not the same I know....but, its the reason I never went near a man with youn kids! Simple as that really!

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 02/10/2016 15:37

I really can't understand why he's your ex?

Wanker.

What a complete & utter wet lettuce he is. He was only having him for the day, if Little Miss Snowflake was really that unwell that one child is giving her the fit of the vapours he could have taken DS out somewhere. Stupid idiot.

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 02/10/2016 15:44

I think I'd have text him...

'If you don't want to see DS, call in five minutes & I will pass him my phone so you can tell him. Of course it's easy for you when you don't have to see the pain in his eyes/hear his crying (whatever is appropriate) afterwards. Don't be surprised when the time comes he no longer wants see you. You're a completely spineless twat'.

Lelloteddy · 02/10/2016 15:51

Pair of absolute pigs.

Hope your DS is okay.

ABunchOfFuckingPidgeys · 02/10/2016 16:12

If he wanted to see his sons he would have.

If she's genuinely ill and they are worried about the dcs catching something from her, I could kind of understand why he'd not want to take them to her house, but that doesn't mean he can't see them at all, he can take them out somewhere, it doesn't even need to be anywhere expensive. Girlfriend is an adult and doesn't need him to look after her, the contact isn't for the dc to see her, it's for them to see their Dad and her being ill isn't an acceptable reason to not have contact. What does he thinks happens when you are ill?

My Dad would do this all the time too, it fucked my relationship with him up and as an adukt I almost went NC, he died before that happened. My Mum used to be angry but wouldn't show it as he'd say she was poisoning us against him, it wasn't about her being annoyed that she had to have us that weekend, it was because she had to watch me break my heart when he didn't show, she had to wipe away my tears and build me back up and that next contact time I'd be excited and he'd be the best dad ever, and then she'd know it would happen again and that she would have to clear his mess up again.

She says she wished she stopped contact because she'd hate seeing me think it was me, that something was wrong with me, but I know if she'd done that then dad would say she's a bitch and tell everyone what a cunt she was and he had this way of everyone falling for his lies.

Have a great day with your DC Flowers

chocolateworshipper · 02/10/2016 16:24

I'm sure it's too late now, but I agree with those who said he could have taken them out

e.g. "Oh I totally understand that she doesn't want visitors round when she's ill. In fact, she would probably prefer not to have the boys round either, so where will you be taking them instead?"

Memoires · 02/10/2016 16:40

It is not your job to encourage their relationship with their dad, that's his job. Your job is to simply facilitate.

SlottedSpoon · 21/10/2016 07:31

I'd email back saying ' Fine, if our own children are classed as visitors now then next time I am ill and need a break I expect you to pick them up immediately and keep them for as long as necessary because I don't do 'visitors' when I'm ill either.'

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