to not want to visit my mother because her house reeks of smoke???

[jollo]

My mother (68, narcissistic, widowed, ailing health) chainsmokes 20+ a day. I literally can't bear the stink of her house. If me or DD (8, who really loves her nanna) stay more than 10 Mins our hair and clothes are pregnated with smoke - it's vile. I just don't want to go anymore and have told her if she wants to see DD she will have to come to our home; a mile away... she drives, but daylight hours only. AiBU??

If she's narcissistic then that's a bigger problem than the smoke!

Wish people wouldn't throw that around.

I'm not "throwing it around"; I thought it relevant, which is why I included it it my own picture description of her!

Understandably you find the smoking unacceptable. I don't see why the rest of it has any relevance to that issue.

S'ok; I was being ratty. But people probably wouldn't say 'my mother, with BPD' unless she had BPD - get me?

So you don't like her I take it :)

I don't think YABU though

I can't stand her, but aim to treat her like I would an elderly neighbour. Which is kind of why I am asking if I ABU about this now.

My FIL's DP is a chain smoker (I've genuinely seen her light one cigarette from another) and I can't stand it. There are clothes that I will not wear to their house and as soon as DH and I have visited I will wash our clothes and we will both shower. It's awful.
I won't let her smoke at our house so they won't come here,

DH and I are TTC at the moment and I've already told him that I won't be bringing a child in to that environment, so I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

If I didn't like my elderly neighbour I wouldn't visit

Being old doesn't make people nice, kind, or good.