To have burst into tears in front of DSs teacher

[MrsBB1982]

Probably posting for traffic but opinions and advice really needed.

DS5 has always been a bit 'different' but this became much more obvious when DD2 came along and then when he started school.

Long story short he hates groups of people. He finds it all very overwhelming (even when very young I didn't take him to toddler groups). He finds noise upsetting to the point he'll run away or clamp his hands over his ears.

We had to take him out of his first school and back to nursery as he was so unhappy and they couldn't manage him (wouldn't sit still, verbal and physical outbursts). Also he would just lie on the floor and screech if he felt too stressed.

We wondered if he was just am extreme end of 'normal' or whether there was something else going on. His new school has been great. He's fine in 1 on 1 situations but I've just seen his teacher today who said they are supervising his playtimes because he can't manage in a group and ends up getting upset or rough.

Cue the crying bit. I felt so sad for him that I can't fix this for him. He knows something isn't eight but can't work out how to inert with other kids. Academically is absolutely fine specially on topics he likes and his speech is amazing so it's more a social skills issue.

She then told me they think the schools SEN teacher should get involved as they also don't know whether it's purely an issue with social skills or if he has an undrlying issue.

So then I became a blubbering wreck. She was lovely but I felt guilty I hadn't taken it more seriously before and that my darling boy is struggling to fit in. He knows he's not fitting in but can't work out why.

Sorry for the long post but I'm totally overwhelmed at the moment.

Oh lovey. It is super hard hearing these things. I always thought something was 'wrong' with ds1. Dh just said I was looking for a label that wasn't necessary. School said he was immature and I was over anxious. Still, I got him referred to paed, was seen and the letter sent to me and GP after he was seen said that in his opinion, ds1 had significant additional needs and behavioural problems. It was so hard to read and I ended up hiding it for a few months. Dh took it badly.

If your kid is struggling then getting this identified, recognised and supported is vital. Diagnosis is not labelling, it is crucial if there is a diagnosable SN (and there may not be with your child). It opens doors and becomes a stick to hold over people (sadly necessary). It doesn't change your beloved child, they are still the same person, nothing has changed about them. What has changed is your ability to get help and understand what is going on. Despite fighting to get to CAMHS and be seen and be diagnosed, we still went through a significant period of "grieving" and fear for there future. It didn't pass quickly. I think it was a year before I was on form again and not a squeaking mouse in meetings. If you can find a strong, intelligent, non judgemental friend to act as advocate, use them. Get them to come to meetings. To take minutes, to speak when you want to dry. Let them be your voice until you find yours again.

Having struggles recognised doesn't make them bigger, (it can be a horrible shock even if you suspected it all along) it just makes them unable to be ignored by academia. Stay strong. All that shit about god only gives you what you can cope with annoyed the tits off me. And that shite Holland poem. But what I realised is you will cope because you have to.

Good luck. Come over to SN if you want to. You don't need a diagnosis but I found them invaluable the early days as it can all be very isolating.

Oh and I recently cried on deputy head because Dh couldn't get to see the concert dc1 was in. Dc1 didn't do any other things like play in teams whereas all the other kids did and had their mega smug parents. This was the only thing to see and he just couldn't form any reasons. I cried endlessly because Dc1 had so many struggles and was so ostracised, it wasn't really about the concert. Dep head was so so kind and desperately trying to make me feel better. 💐💐

An early diagnosis is essential. It is called Autistic SPECTRUM Disorder as it covers a wide spectrum of abilities and outcomes. Many children on the spectrum, in particular those with Asperger's, manage perfectly well academically and can learn the skills to manage socially. The school are on board and you care and want the best for him. There may be a few tears along the way but it will be fine.

I so wish i had your kind of support for my DS when he was growing up. He also struggled with crowds and friendships and was 'different' (geeky rather than rough), and he still is. He manages OK and holds down a decent job but I worry for his long term happiness; I am also convinced that with some expertise and guidance things could have been much easier for us.

So blub away on shoulders, take all the support that's offered, find your son's special strengths and build on them.

Please don't worry about him being 'labelled'- fathers in particular have a problem with this. With a diagnosis comes support, and, when he is older, gives him the tools he needs to support himself. It seems devastating now, but in a while you will see things differently and more positively.

I once heard it described something like this: I always wanted to go to Paris. I found out all I could about it, I bought the ticket and did my packing and that's where I was going. But I found myself in Amsterdam... it's not where I wanted to be and it's not where I thought I was going... but hey, Amsterdam's OK and the more I found out about it the more I enjoyed it and now I can't imagine being anywhere else.

I hope this helps.

My ds who is 19 now had similar issues at nursery/early primary school.
He was for the most part bored with the work and restrictions and so became disruptive. His speech/dialogue was off the chart and he's a very bright kid. A big part of it was our inconsistent parenting at the time. He didn't tolerate other kids behaving badly towards him and all hell would break loose if he got hit/made fun of/something was unfair. This happens often in groups.
His teacher was adamant he had sensory integration issues. We had him independently assessed(they didn't find anything) as we felt the school was going down the wrong track. We continued letting the school do what they thought was best though. Which was great that they had a system in place to give support when needed. Once we got our parenting on track his issues substantially lessened and his SN sessions within school came to a natural end.
I'm sure as your son matures things will become easier for him. School is a bit overwhelming. All that noise and people coming and going, then having to quiet for long spells etc.
My son nowadays is a lovely young man. Not that I'm biased or anything. Sociable in groups, witty, entertaining, intelligent conversations, kind and caring.
Also completely understandable crying. You are human. Xxx

Thanks everyone for your messages.

I've spoken to an educational psychologist today who is going to visit DS at school (not much point assessing him at home as his issues seem to be at school rather than at home)

He said he can't make a diagnosis without seeing him but it does sound suspicious of mild ASD.

I'm not sure how I feel - sad that I can't just hit a 'fix' button but maybe slightly relieved that we maybe getting somewhere.

post edited by MNHQ to remove child's name

YANBU, it's an emotional reaction you can't help.

As a teacher I've had parents burst into tears on me twice and, admittedly, I found it immensely awkward and had no idea what to do. But that's my issue and due to my difficulties with uncomfortable social interactions. The parents were doing nothing wrong.

a big hug coming your way. It's never nice to cry in front of people but a suspect primary teachers see it more than most. Your DS is undoubtably your world and you want it to be perfect. Being a parent is so hard generally and I think many of us live on the edge a lot of the time when it doesn't take much to push is over. Your DS teacher sounds great and hopefully they can get him whatever help he needs or wants.

It's worth seeking a referral to your local children's occupational therapy team. They can help with strategies for sensory sensitivities and difficulties with social interactions.

Poor you! My DS was diagnosed with speech and language processing difficulties at age 4 but also happened to be a very sweet and sensitive lad. The two together meant that he had some real difficulties socially. He was tested for autism and all sorts of things initially though and it was a worrying time, simply because we didn't know what was wrong. Fast forward to age 7 and he was vastly improved in most areas. Fast forward to my now 16 year old and he's an enormous, handsome, lanky bundle of kindness, is mature for his age and will make someone a fabulous husband one day! Keep smiling if you can. x

Just to let you know you have put your ds's name in your last post. It might not bother you but I know some posters don't like to give away any real life names.

Sorry to be quick. You need to look into autism, these are hallmark autistic behaviours. That said, with the right care and attention, he can thrive and enjoy life. Autism and/or SEN sound scary, and certainly made me cry, but I promise you it's not all doom and gloom. Once you know what it is, you can start giving your boy what he needs. My son was/is like yours, but with support his being different has made him brilliant. I have total belief in him having a fab future, but pre-diagnosis it was so hopeless and scary.

As a TA in reception literally almost all of our mums cried at some point. It's because you love your children and want the best. It's the ones who don't give a crap that are the problem.

The school sounds brilliant and not wanting to down play or diagnose your dss behaviour it may well lessen and get better as he matured and learns to deal with social situations.

Honestly we had quite a few children like your ds in reception and by year 4 they were totally integrated and were indistinguishable from all the other kids.

YANBU. I've cried in front of teachers loads of times. Similar story to yours. Two girls with a three year gap. DD1 always wilful, poor concentration, wouldn't listen and noise sensitive. Nothing flagged at nursery as being unusual for her age. School a nightmare from day 1. She's generally good at home apart from difficulty in settling at night.

We were told she would probably mature and grow out of it. She didn't and had an ASD diagnosis at age 8 despite very good language skills. There was no differentiation between mild ASD, high functioning ASD, Aspergers, it all just falls under the spectrum of autism. Also sensory processing disorder which is really common with ASD.

Hopefully your boy will grow out of his problems and learn to cope. If not he is in the right place if the school are supportive. I had to move my DD as we gave up with her old school. New school are brilliant and she is very happy there. She's a bright girl and the outlook for her is very good. Some of her sensory problems have improved and she has got very good at communicating when things are unpleasant or overwhelming.

On a bad day I still cry though.

That was me 3 years ago. DS has since been diagnosed and that was a relief as it was an explanation of what was going on and how we could help (not fix) him.

With your first it is hard to rationalise what is right or wrong. The teacher won't judge you. Just be pleased she wants to help him/you access the right support.

That teacher now has my youngest and we have a great relationship. I have never felt she looked down on me because I blubbed. In fact we had a real giggle at pick up today over something my youngest had done.

Good luck going forward. And sometimes you just have to cry, so do it!

Don't worry about it op. My eldest dc has mild learning difficulties and I cried loads in meetings with teachers. Dh and I blindly assumed that as we are both academic our dcs would be to. Silly us! My youngest also has a development delay and started school late so I expect I will be crying lots more! Try not to stress,it will work itself out.

Hi
Ive not read the whole thread, this sort of thing upsets me too much<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> I have a daughter who is special needs, she is 17 now. I had loads of meetings at school, as she had an ICP(Individual Care Plan) & EHC(Education, Health & Care) plans in place, also SENCO was involved all the time. At every meeting, I was in tears or just managed to keep the tears in check until I managed to get out of the meeting<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> I always found it hard when, I still do today, when her difficulties were discussed by professionals & myself, almost like they were being shoved right into my face. Irrational I know, but day to day living, her needs were shoved to the back of my mind, never ignored but just dealt with day to day, without thinking too much about it & these meetings brought it all to the fore<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> It was hard to deal with<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> I hope Ive explained myself ok!!
Dont beat yourself up, is what Im trying to say

Thanks for the new messages since I last checked.

Met up with his teacher and old reception teacher today.

Another tricky day unfortunately so they've said next week they'll do more formal observations, a risk assessment to keep him/others safe and involve the school SEN teacher plus there's going to be an educational psychologist assessment at school (no point at home as he's so different).

Cue even more tears when they said all that. They did say that they're sure they can help him through this. A friend popped by unannounced with flowers and chocolates to cheer me up...cue yet more tears!

I guess it feels like things are moving fast but maybe that's a good thing

Of course that's a good thing
Itll make his school life a whole lot better, he may think hes got a good school life at the moment, but itll get better for him<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Grin" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/grin-D7Eg_B6y.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Grin" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/grin-D7Eg_B6y.png"> Hope you are feeling better about the whole situation<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/smile-iCO8d7ST.png"> Its easy to judge yourself in hindsight-far too easy Take it from me, I do it so often We could all do better in hindsight, by which time its too late
Well here`s some to get you in better spirits for the coming week.
Take care
xxx

Good that the school are on it!
Hope your feeling better today
I would do flowers emoji but have no idea how..

Well done to all involved, sounds as if things are moving in the right direction. Good to know you've got support at school and out of it.

DS wasn't great in social situations, he didn't hit anyone but he did withdraw as he found social situations tricky.

Now in year 8, he's like a different child. With friends and all his own learned behaviour. He still needs lots of guidance but does have friends who like him for his 'quirkiness'.

Good luck with it all. Sounds rather like ds - in Y1 I was being the parent called in every couple of days and had half the class telling me about his screaming fits every time I entered the playground.

By Y2 with a few minor adjustments he was getting dressed by 7.05am every day so he could make sure he got to school on time, and thinks Y3 is the best thing ever! He has friends and as far as I'm concerned his ASD should be no more stigmatising or unusual than being left-handed.

Tbf I don't think I've actually cried at school (nursery, GP, other mums, yes) - but when I gave the wonderful Senco a present at the end of last year, she cried.

Turns out that while class teachers are getting inundated with flowers and cards and presents, no-one else had got her anything. Not that I'm saying people should get any school staff any more presents, but it must be a bit galling being on playground duty with all the class teachers when they all get so much.