To think I'm to blame for DP's cheating?

[FenriraTheShewolf]

Possibly more of a support situation but a friend recommended this site to me and I feel like I need others on the outside looking in. My partner and I have been together for 6 years. At the start of our relationship he cheated on my, being stupid and infatuated I stayed. A year or so down the line he went on to cheat on me a further 2 times, he didn't sleep with these women but he kissed them, dirty talked ect.

After an extremely rough time with our relationship he seemed to have changed. A year later our son was born and he really is a wonderful father, helps out anyway he can, took most of the night feeds ect but after our son (big baby born via c section) I completely went off sex, lost confidence in myself, hate my body. We had sex once every 2 months if even, he's very physical and I knew this wasn't enough. So after a year of this he started flirting with another women from his work place, she sent him nude pictures which I found on his phone. When confronted he didn't deny it but he didn't admit to it either. After a night arguing he admitted that he thinks he's lost feelings for me and that out relationship doesn't have any excitement any more. He was away for two days and those two days have Apparently made him realise how much he loves me and that this other thing meant nothing, that's all he was looking for, an adrenaline rush.

I'm so torn because one part of me thinks that if you love someone you don't continue to hurt them. But another part says I'm partly to blame as I closed up with my insecurities and wasn't physical of affectionate with him. I really don't know what to do as I don't really have any friends in real life. I'm so used to him being there and doing things with me. I'm terrified of the prospect of being alone.

He started shagging about at the beginning of your relationship and he hasn't stopped since. Nor will he.

You have two choices as I see it

1. open up your relationship so that you also get to sleep with other people.

2. become a complete doormat who accepts her husband is sleeping around but she stays anyway as long as he does it discreetly

Nothing else is on the table I am afraid

You are not to blame. You need some assertiveness awareness and to build your own life with friends and purpose. Whether you choose to stay with this man is up to you but you need to focus a bit on you, you are important.

You should be the queen and star of your own life, not a bit player in his.

AND stop that down talk about yourself right now! I am not going to link to what you said or copy it, it is NOT TRUE, you have tried to make your relationship work, been loving and forgiving, produced an amazing child in your body and literally been been willing to give birth to him in the most amazing way, a difficult way (I had a C-section) because being a mum is not easy but you did it and do it, you (like all of us mums) are amazing.

Do you want your little boy to grow up to think women are not amazing? Keep on down talking yourself and he may just do that.

Get some help, counselling for YOU. If you want relationship counselling that is up to you but the most key thing is you need to learn to love yourself, appreciate yourself, trust yourself.

Begin now by saying to yourself. These affair or flings or whatever they are, ARE NOT MY FAULT." and "I gave birth to an amazing child, I worked hard in my life and I am AMAZING."

Say it in your head, or out loud if you feel able.

Check out the Mind website ...

mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/#.V-1Lo_ArKUk

www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Assertiveness.htm

See what you want to do with the rest of your amazing, fabulous, incredible life.

It never ceases to amaze me that there are people who cheat and blame 'no excitement'. Were you, in his opinion, supposed to be the sole provider of said excitement?

He's inadequate, and is trying to blame it on you. Let him go, and find someone who addresses their shortcomings and deals with their relationship issues like an adult, rather than an inadequate man-child who needs constant 'attention'.

My replies might be spaced as I work nights but thank you for the support. His friends are my friends....sort of and I've moved to his part of town to make work easier for him so I'm isolated. It was the fact that he changed and became so different that made me try and have hope. He's been away two days and has suddenly realised how much he loves me and how stupid he's been but I don't believe it even though I want to.

The funny thing is I had a best friend who had been cheated on. A lot more than me. And I got so angry at her for going back. Now I feel like shit because that's why we drifted apart. I should have had more empathy it feels like karma.

My other issue is I have quite bad MH issues that he's supported me all the way through those. We went through so much so how could that mean so little. I feel like I've been such a burden.

You are not to blame for his cheating. If the relationship is not providing the emotional or physical aspects that a person requires (which is legitimate and normal) then they need to end the relationship BEFORE seeking those things from other people.

OP, if you read back your messages as if it were a friend writing them - what would you advise her?

If it was a friend I know I'd tell her to leave because she is worth more and her partner obviously doesn't care about her. But now I know it's easier said than done though I'm probably just making excuses for my weakness.

You have your answer then OP. YOU are worth more than this and your child deserves better too. Youll get so much support on here

Just keep treating yourself as you would a loved one. Don't say anything horrible to yourself in your own head that you wouldn't say to a friend going through the same thing. This certainly isn't your fault but you need to build yourself up to really believe that. Maybe write down what you'd say to your friend on one page and what you're telling yourself on another - the difference will be shocking xxx

OP, it's far better to be alone than stay at the expensive of your dignity and self esteem.

It's hard, but I've been a single parent for 7 years. No relationships in that time.

You are not a burden you are isolation lonely and being disrespected and he lays on the flannel he loves you blah blah it is OK to be scared being on your own with your baby will be daunting but you can manage. Is there someone at work you can friend for a chat and support

Hello everyone,

I'm sorry for the replies. I've been so stressed and tired lately everything has caught up. I haven't got any RL support, I used to have friends. Then I got into the routine of it being just my partner and baby. I realise this is my issue and that I need to have some respect for myself but I don't know any other life. I'm trying to figure out if I even still love him. I feel like should? As this has hurt me more than words can say but I don't know what counts as being in love or simply loving someone anymore.