about DP working away...?

[Piffle]

I'll try to keep this as short as poss.
WE used to live in Hants, we moved to Lincs in Sept 04 for great grammar school for DS, better house for your money and semi rural lifestyle. All achieved, all happy, dd (4) has mild special needs, is due to start school Sep 07 in perfect tiny village school where she will thrive. DS (13) doing very well in yr8
I'm expecting a baby boy in March.

When we moved DP's company got bought out by US giant - he is in IT but is managerial, often defence projects (high security cleared) obv being RAf in Lincs plenty of work up here...
However he spent first 2 yrs of our move, working back in Hants, we were to a point utterly miserable.
He laid it on the line, told them he would quit if he could not get based back in Lincs so duly 01/01/07 he started back up here
Marvellous!!! All going BRILL!
He is booked to a project ending March - due to coincide with paternity leave for new ds.

Right today he rings.
Job in
London, un spec time prob 1 yr or more.
working from home or Lincs office 1-2 days per week, daily commute to London via 1st class train other 3-4 days.
Leaving at 6.30am (waking at 5.45am - means waking me and prob baby as well) getting home at 6pm (which I seriously doubt by the way)
We're half an hour from the train station too.
He is keen on the job as it ticks a lot of his boxes and his work really want him on the job, possibly with terms he can tweak.

I just am depressed beyond words at the thought of managing 3 kids - one newborn between 5-7pm on my own.
He is not the most supportive hands on Dad at weekends wither although he is very good at doing things you ask him.

F f

can sympathise with you
but my dh leaves at 730 and gets back after the girls are in bed. every day. think lots and lots of families in this situation, esp in the big cities.

I manange the 5-7 thing on my own and it sucks, but that's what it is. would love him to be home earlier, but that's not likely given his profession position and location.

although - you wanted to opt out of that and now you're back to what you didn't want - you need to talk to dh and make some decisions - a commute like that would be awful for all of you

To be home for 6-ish, what time would he have to leave work? 4? If it were my DH I would know that would never happen. Its not just company pressure its how your DH approaches work, if he's consciencious and keen its hard to leave. And with a 5.45 am start its a hell of a long day for you anyway.

I know people cope with stuff like this all the time, but if you have a choice (and I realise some people don't), and if it won't massively compromise your DH's career and relationship with his employer, I think his priority should be you and family and your new baby for the next few months at least. There will be other opportunities.

piffle, on the days where he has to get up early, could he not sleep in a differnet room...is tehre space in the office for a bed for him? That way you might NOT be woken up

His job is safe beyond safe even if he turns it down.
It is just that he would be working in a job which excites him more, which I absolutely understand and would like to be able to fully support him in.

I brought up DS on my own for the first 6 yrs, so am quite aware of how hard it is. And it's not the point - I'm not single and I do have a partner.But when we met, he was working in Brussels for a year, after that we said never again. when we agreed to have kids we agreed to parent together with me being main carer while he worked. I would start to retrain as youngest approaches school age.

well i think

if theres no extra money

its for slef gratification

you should tell him to say no.

your quite right. its a partnership. and if his job doesn't excite him then

didumms.

Agree with Custardo. If he actually has a choice and his job is not in jeopardy if he refuses, can you say, either don't do it, or else insist on an au pair/mother's help for every relevant day/evening if he really really does want to do it.

I suppose my main irk is that he told his work outright at the end of last year that he wanted to be based locally as his family was a priority.
For them to ask him actually pisses me off most

We'll talk and see what's on the table.
Only thing is once he is ensconced in the job (for they'll promise the world to get the position filled as it's megabucks for the company- not for him of course though)
should the hours not work out as we planned, I'm screwed as getting him out again would really compromise his career as it would be very unprofessional and they would be unable to replace him as this vacancy has been impossible to fill thus far.

Piffle,

My DH gets up at 4:30 on Monday morning, and hits the road when I get up at 5:00 (how does he get ready in 30 minutes? ). I get ready and get the kids up at 6:00. I am out the door at 6:45. DH returns on Thursday evening by 7:00 (when the nanny gets off work). This is my night out. My DH also works in IT management. Sometimes this is crap. But, it's the way it is and I just accept it. He isn't home to help with the children. My solution? Live-in childcare. No other options for me. DH insists he works where his project takes him. And I insist on a nanny.

I do think that your DH has more to gain from this long term. If he likes the work and it will contribute to long term career progression then that is important even if there is not an immediate financial reward.

Do you have room for an au pair? Can you hire in a mother's help? There is no reason why you should have to do all the work because he doesn't come home. That is, after all, his choice not yours. But, I do think that if you tell him he can't take the job, he might resent you for that.

well, it doesn't sound unreasonable to say you don't like it, and it doesn't sound unreasonable for him to want to do it if he likes the sound of it - going to a job you hate every day is soul detroying so he should try to do something he likes. so you are left with two perfectly reasonable people having a reasonable chat to resolve a genuine problem. he sounds like my dh - always feels obligated to do what the co asks, even then they fail to pay bonuses, promote etc. highly annoying, but for me it doesn't work to rant, but a civilised talk with relevant questions, e.g. do you really think you'll be able to leave the office by ... and asking him how he'll feel if he misses bed time three nights in a row.
after that, it's up to you as caring adults to decide what's best for you each as individual and as a family unit

For this to elevate his future career, it would mean him permanently working down South again.

I don't want live in help, we do have the space but I want to share it with him not a nanny.

It is two perfectly reasonable people both of whom have valid concerns, needing to nut out the best workable solution.

But if he takes the job and it ends up not being as he was promised.
our relationship is in trouble, we know this much from last time.
Hence my trepidation.

one point re the days he works from home. Make him stick to office hours - ie he doesn't start till 8.30, has an hour for lunch with you and stops at 6. that way you get 2 weekdays extra help in the evenings. DH does this with me (and sets an alarm clock for when i have to stop) and it works well, I get lots more done and don't feel bad about turning the phone off after 6. It does mean that when he's 'at work' you have to leave him alone though!

If he's travelling first class he should also be able to work on the train. I agree re one spectacularly late night rather than 3 slightly late ones.

Nows the time for you both to make your demands so what is there you want out of this? more cash? more lie ins on the weekend?

Money would be nice but most of all I want him home every night, happy, non stressed and the kids seeing their dad.
when he worked away before it was horrendous.
For one thing I sleep terribly when he is away.

tell him to put up with drudgery like 99% of the rest of the population.

I honestly don't know anyone whose husband was available between 5 and 7pm to help with the kids! This is a commuter area and all the dads get home between 7 and 11pm!

Yes, it's hard looking after children, but it's very normal for the dad to do a fair bit of travelling. That's what brings in the money.

Hang on. Two days a week at home. Three days a week, early morning yes, but home by 7. My Dh would jump at that. Really. And so would I.

not two days a week at HOME
two days a week working from home or from local office not home home home as in home!

We moved here to reduce stress, improve lifestyle and to spend more time together.

That remains our focus, he's a dad who likes to be home to bath kids and help with dinner and homework
He comes to all of dd's millions of appointments for her eyes/heart/growth/development/speech/geneticsetc

I'm not comparing it to others who I know these hours are usual.
I can assure you that your husbands who work in the city 14 hr days earn 3-4x what my dp does.

and the money...
it stays the same whether he takes that job or not.

Well, he may be a dad who likes doing those things. Mine is too. But he is also contemplating this job, which means he likes that too.

And my dh doesn't work in the city. He is an engineer, and probably is paid less than an IT manager. He leaves at 7.45 and gets home at 6.45 (ish).

He puts the children to bed every night, and often bathes them, or takes over the bathing when he gets back.

On the two days a week when your dh is working at home, he would be able to have breakfast with you all, lunch too, and be around for homework, dinner, bath, bed. He could do bedtime too if back at 7.

You need to tell him how you feel of course, but he may see it as a good compromise. You say he's not awfully supportive or hands-on at weekends? Do you have different ideas about what having more time together means in terms of his career?

if he really wants to do it i'd support him...... on condition that.....
more money / holiday
written agreement re hours in office
same re 2 days working from home / locally (mon and fri)
paid help at home if and when you need it for the evening shift
clear understanding of how long this will be for and that after he still wants to work in way compatible with your family life (not back to hants)
good luck!

Piffle , if I were you and if you could afford it Itwould look for help during those hours that you wish your DH could be home.

If Dh was able to work locally for two days of the week and be home at a resonable time then look on the brigt side and take that. The other days he will have to do what thousands of other dads do.

My husband does not work in the city but still leaves to catch the 6.30 to London and will often be home afetr 7pm.

We would all love our huisbands to be home for help between 5 and 7 ( the witching hour ) but it is just not possible.

As regards DH waking you and baby up then seek not for him to do it.

When my DH left early and DS1 was still a baby he often used to wake him up by closing the front door as bays room was just above it. I made him leave via the back door ! If my hubby has top get up extra ear;ly then I make sure he has a shower and shave the night before and all his clothes are set out downstairs and he doesnot wake anyone !

In the long term you Dh is responsilble for the finaces for the family and it is hard enough struggle when only one is working let him at least do a job that he enjoys.

Please try and look for the positive benefits for it whether short or long term and BOTH of you try to resolve how the family situation be helped when he takes the job.

There are ways round this problem if you chose to look. I do agree with other posters that you should be grateful that there is the opportunity to work close from home for part of the week.

Regarding him starting the project when it coincides with paternity Im sure that would not be a problem for him to take his leave.

My Dh likes to help out with bath time and homework but he has to do it at the weekend as he is the only one bringin in the money at the moment.

I think you will find that you are not the only one in this situation.

sounds like you made a joint decision to focus on family life as a medium-term strategy and have put in a lot of effort to make it happen - major move, new baby etc. therefore job opps need to be considered in that context.

ie unless it came with a spectacular bonus that would mean he could take the whole of 2008 off, he shouldn't do it.

and he's probably coming to the same conclusion himself, piffle.

I guess what it comes down to is that I get less of him, with a newborn and there are no benefits at all, no more money, less time together.
It's not necessary for his career per se

He is hands on at weekends, not so much doing stuff with the kids but he does housework and cooks and helps out and is great in all other respects.
We went through such a rough patch last year with him working away, that we made ourselves some promises
And it appears that they have been forgotten to some extent.

With the new baby due he had for instance flexed his hours to start earlier to be home at 4.30pm 3 days a week.
and flexed the other two to leave later/work later to help in the mornings.
plus he has ability to work from home whenever he needs.

he would be working from the nearest office NOT HOME

she doesn't want help - she wants her husband.

there she's said it umpteen times!

the job will add nothing of value to your family life

WORK TO LIVE
not
LIVE TO WORK

I think it is fair enough for Piffle to not want to live like that with her DH out for long hours, even if it is all too common. Just because many people choose or have to work long hours doesn't mean that people can't resist it if they do prefer their dh/dp to be at home more rather than earn more money.

my dp works quite short flexible hours and has taken a big pay cut to achieve that, but we have an agreement that if he does ever want or have to take a distant contract (he also works in IT) we'll have an au pair or similar as part of the deal.