Have namechanged for this as worried about being outed. Long-time member, penis beaker, naice ham pom bears etc – promise I’m not a troll / Daily Fail journo.
For background, I’m a single parent to 3 kids – their dad isn’t really in the picture. I work full time and sometimes I feel like I’m herding cats. Looking at this logically, mornings should go something like this:
06:15 get up, sort self, get kids breakfast, straighten hair and leave at 7:15 so I can drop kids with our awesome and long suffering childminder for 7:30 so I can get to work for 8:15 ish so that (a) I get a parking space and (b) I can leave at 16:45 ish to get back to said awesome childminder on time as she finishes at 17:30.
The reality? It goes something like this:
06:15 Get showered and changed. Try and ignore DC3 banging on the door saying she needs to be let in because she’s lonely and she needs me.
06:25 Pick up DC3 & wake up DC2 and DC1 using best Mary Poppins voice. DC3 at this point has calmed down and is now sulking over perceived lack of cuddles (she gets loads). I give DC3 a kiss and we play the “love you more game” DC2 refuses to get out of bed initially, so I coax him out by telling him the day will be awesome because he’s my hero. DC2 will stomp down the stairs and go back to sleep on the sofa. DC1 will start to faff saying that she’s tired and she hates mornings. I tell her that she may hate mornings but she loves walking to school with her friends so she needs to get up. DC1 still faffing so I tell her she’s amazing and I’m proud of her but she needs to move.
06:35 All 3 kids sat at the breakfast table. All three will moan about the choice of cereal despite it being what they chose when we went to ASDA at the weekend. DC2 will then want crumpets. DC3 will demolish cereal, fruit, toast and a yoghurt and will still claim to be hungry. DC1 will pick at her cereal like it’s something out of a bush tucker trial from the jungle / I’m a sleb. All three will complain that their orange juice either doesn’t have enough bits in it or has too many or that they want apple juice instead.
06:50 I tell all 3 kids that they need to get dressed into the nice clean clothes that I got out the night before all ready for them. DC3 will get dressed but will say she can’t put on her socks. DC2 will sit in his batman pants til we’re due to leave the house. DC1 will spend the next 30 minutes faffing about and finding stuff to moan about. There will be at least one sock related emergency.
06:55 I start trying to straighten my hair and put on make-up so I don’t frighten the horses.
06:56 Blood curdling screams from the direction of the kids’ bedrooms so I abandon hair straightening and make up. Separate kids and try and figure out who was attempting to kill who.
07:00 Remind all 3 kids that they need to clean their teeth and brush their hair. DC3 will refuse point blank so I will have to do it for her. DC2 will moan about the taste of toothpaste. DC1 will claim that she can’t find her hair brush / bobbins / clips despite being laid out for her the night before. At this point I’m wishing I could give up pretending to be an adult and go back to bed.
07:05 Give kids 10 minute warning and ask them to put their shoes on. Take out lunch boxes from the fridge and hand them out. Both DC1 & DC2 will then both decide they hate everything in them and want school dinners instead. World War 3 ensues when I tell them to suck it up. I drop the Mary Poppins act and start using my Batman voice.
07:10 Give kids 5 minute warning and tell them to put their shoes and coats on. Try and locate my shoes that should be in the shoe box but usually end up in DC3’s toy box.
07:15 Tell kids to get in the car. None of them are ready, DC1 is faffing with her hair, DC2 is probably still in his pants and DC3 is refusing to put on her trainers saying she wants sparkly princess shoes instead. Reiterate the importance of Mummy getting to work so she have money for useful things like food, clothes, toys and paying the mortgage.
07:20 Tell kids to hurry up. Threaten to drop them off directly to school in current state i.e. shoe-less / batman pants / not enough make up.
07:25 Start losing will to live.
07:30 Finally get all 3 kids in the car.
07:40 Drop kids with childminder wishing her good fucking luck. All 3 kids complaining about “ mummy being stressy” Do usual handover stuff including who’s doing what that day, who has a doctor’s appointment, who has after school clubs and deal with ongoing saga of ex-H (he doesn't deserve to becalled ex-DH) being a gobshite.
07:45 Get back in car. Try to find inner calm.
07:55 Start driving to work. Attempt to find inner calm / enter zen like state a complete failure.
08:10 Stress levels at DEFCON 1 level so decide to give mindfulness app a go.
08:20 Give up on mindfulness. Decide fuckloads of coffee is the only way forward.
08:30 Screech into car park, nabbing the last available space and sprint into the office so I can leave at a reasonable time so I can do the whole shitstorm again at the end of the day only in reverse.
09:00 Catch sight of self in loo. Still not wearing any make up and have mad hair that’s only straightened on one side.
Seriously – does anyone else find it this hard or is it just me? Sorry for the epic post, just needed a rant.