To think this is a bit shit?

[CharityBurbage]

I run a small charity, with one other director. We run various fundraisers throughout the year to keep on top of funds etc.

We have a special one booked for November. It's a big thing, lots of people coming, and some great names attached. Yay. Except the other director has just informed me that something better has come along as so she won't be attending.

She thinks IABU because I don't want to be the only representative, or ensure it goes runs smoothly on my own. I have done the lion's share of the co-ordinating already, but at her behest. In fairness, there isn't an awful lot to do on the night (unless something goes wrong), but I'm fucked off that she has basically had a better offer and casually announced it. I am also quite anxious, so that doesn't help. She is the polar opposite.

AIBU?

That's really shit of her!

Request that she sends someone in her place as a second pair of hands. And present her with a list of pre-event things to do so that the workload is even.

Can she do the next one? Sounds like she's taking advantage of you. She didn't even ask or appreciate that she'd owe you if she didn't come.

She can probably rustle someone up to help, but (prepares to chuck toys out of pram) I don't really want some random person. I mean, if it comes to it then I guess it'll have to do, but we were actually very excited about this and looking forward to doing it together. Or so I bloody thought!

What's the better offer she has had?

Enjoy the feeling that you have achieved this on your own on the night, i am sure you'll do an amazing job and it will be great to have this on your cv. It's a rubbish thing to do but I'm not sure there's anything you can do. Yanbu I would feel the same, but enjoy your moment, try not to feel nervous and I am sure it will be great. Sometimes when yo have coordinated something, it is much more efficient to deliver it yourself, try and think of the positives and as a pp suggests get her help with any pre event humdrum.

If you are a charity, surely you have Trustees? I know it's annoying, the same thing regularly happens to me - could they step in to help?

Trustees are our guests and I'm reluctant to change that. I can probably rustle someone up but it's annoying because they won't have the inherent knowledge and I was genuinely looking forward to doing this with her.

Better offer is a 12 week evening course.

If it was something related to the charity, as in, she had been asked to attend something then it makes sense for her to do one while you do the other. Cover both bases kind of thing. But for somethi unrelated to work, that's not cool.

Yes she's needs to nominate an empowered deputy to take her place.

A useful phrase I learned at work!

Is she a paid director?

Yes but we are basically paid a nominal fee currently. So it's not a question of shirking paid duties as we donate about 90% of our time.

So she does this work pretty much out of the goodness of her heart, and is missing an event connected to it that she has not organised so that she can commit to a course?

Yes you are being unreasonable. I understand why you want her there but I don't think she's doing anything wrong.

Well, she does it because she jointly founded a charity and made a commitment to it, as did I. I don't think it's very fair to pick and choose what she attends, particularly if she made a commitment to the charity first. But I shall just get on with it - I think it got my back up because she wasn't remotely sorry or abashed, just dumped it all on me and said she was doing what she liked.

It's really hard to know but if you have multiple events a year and there isn't much to do on the night then I don't think it sounds like she's being really unreasonable. Particularly for a course -- is it something related to her work?

It sounds a bit like the problem is communication between you both and expectations. Is it time to bring another person on board perhaps, if she doesn't feel able to keep her commitment to the same level as you?