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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want him to come

14 replies

Bunniesncats · 26/09/2016 22:51

Back story; I'm a single mum with 2dd, dd1 is severely disabled. My bf lives 200 miles away we see him approx every 6 weeks. He staying where he is for at least another 2 years because of work and family commitments. He has 2dc (teenage) who live with their mum, he has them to stay every fortnight and has contact with them daily.
The past year hasn't been good for me, I had an operation just before Xmas in which they did more than I expected. I took longer to heal ( didn't know about extras until I saw my GP 6 weeks later) and went through it mostly alone as bf couldn't leave his commitments and wasn't very good at being there virtually.
My disabled DD hasn't been good for a while either suffering with stomach problems which results in constant whinging, crying and screaming. It's taking a while to get the right med combination to help her. As a result I'm knackered I've been up every night with her, she's missed lots of daycare and it just seems one thing after another. It's hard not being able to help her and frustrating. The last time my bf came down he was good, helping out and got up with her in the night. He's due to come down in a few weeks and I suggested that he comes when DD is in respite, so I could get to really relax with him to which I got a" I've got the kids" now he wants to come the week before and I've said I'd rather he didn't. I'm tired, really cranky and if Im honest a bit pissed that he wouldn't even think of asking his ex if he could change his week. From my pov I don't need or want someone to share my misery but give me a chance to get out, forget and do something different As it is the weekend DD1 is in respite dd2 will probably want to stay in on her Xbox and not want to go for walks or out to eat as she would if he was with us.
So AIBU to stick by my guns and tell him not to come.

OP posts:

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/09/2016 22:55

Whether you like it or not, he has children and they come first for him. He can't swap around contact to when is convenient for you. If I were his teenage child and was changed around for dad's GF, I wouldn't be happy about it.

You can tell him not to come if you don't feel like having him there, although won't he be some support/help for you?

Rrross1ges · 26/09/2016 23:08

I don't really see what you're getting out of this relationship.

Original poster

Bunniesncats · 26/09/2016 23:17

Don't get me wrong Ive never before asked him to change anything to do with his kids to suit me. I love his kids they are brill i've have had them to stay and and stayed up there to spend time with them. I know they are part of the package and am glad to have them in our lives. It felt like I was being shot down without any consideration to the situation down here. He's a good dad and a good man and I know he would help out here too. It would have just been nice to have him understand where I was coming from.

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Mycraneisfixed · 26/09/2016 23:19

Sad for you but you're on your own really. He's not truly supportive is he?

Original poster

Bunniesncats · 26/09/2016 23:21

Rrross when we are together I get a lot from the relationship, he's a good, kind man and I am looking forward to the time he can be with us always. He seems to get so wrapped up in his life there that sometimes he forgets it takes more than emotions to keep a relationship ticking over, especially a LD one.

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Milklollies · 26/09/2016 23:23

Your relationship isn't going to work. My mother wasted her life waiting for someone to come rescue her. You can't expect a man to rescue but you can rescue yourself.

When you're tired, hungry, sleep deprived etc you just want a break but you know in your heart he's not the break. He lives 200 miles away for Petes sake. I live in London and wouldn't date outside of zone 6.

Original poster

Bunniesncats · 26/09/2016 23:24

Mycraneisfixed that is how I feel sometimes. I get the how are you doing texts and loads of smileys but no real conversation, he seems to save all that for when we are face to face.

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Original poster

Bunniesncats · 26/09/2016 23:29

Milklollies I'm not looking to be rescued I've made my life the way I want it as I know a woman should never rely 100% on anyone else. We've been in this relationship 4 years and talking for nearly 10. I get the getting busy in your own life, I've been guilty of that too. All I asking him for is a little compassion when I need it.

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Original poster

Bunniesncats · 26/09/2016 23:30

And I realise that in my last post makes me sound selfish.

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GingerbreadLatteToGo · 26/09/2016 23:40

It doesn't make you sound selfish.

I think the whole thing is largely unrewarding & unworkable from your POV. All the while you are tied to him you are not 'available' emotionally to meet someone else who lives near you, who would be there to actually be a part of your daily life. He's already said that it'll be like this for two more years, I don't sense it'll change, there will always be an excuse to keep it as it is.

I don't see it as you wanting to be rescued, just to be in a mutually supportive, fun, rewarding relationship.

Blu · 27/09/2016 06:30

It seems a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I understand why you would like him to come when your dd is in respite, but when he came last time he helped you! You are knackered and he got up in the night!

Tell him how you feel: cranky, tired etc. and if he wants to come and help, appreciate that .

Alternatively, do you get any flexibility with respite? Probably not.

ClopySow · 27/09/2016 06:47

I decided against long distance relationships because of stuff like this. It's difficult enough when it's just the two of you, but when you add children into the mix, it becomes almost impossible. You have to work around a whole other families schedule, not just your families, and sometimes they're just not compatible.

Milklollies · 27/09/2016 08:11

I also don't think you're being selfish. You have every right to be happy and at the moment as the situation stands you are not getting that satisfaction from the relationship you are in. I think gingerbread has said everything I meant much more eloquently.

Original poster

Bunniesncats · 27/09/2016 11:22

Thank you for the replies I understand what is being said. Whilst being in a LDR is not ideal having the 2 year deadline, as such, helps as we have a goal but saying that though if it keeps getting pushed back I wouldn't be naive enough to keep waiting and am strong enough to walk away. I am going to have to think about the communication between us while he is away and try and have a talk with him concerning the lack of.
Blu no I don't get any flexibility with respite we are told dates they can fit DD in and it's a take it or leave it basis. Also again I understand I may be cutting my nose off to spite my face, I could explain better to him how I am feeling and take it from there.
Again thank you all.

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