To tell this friend she is being ridiculous

[thatdoesntsurpriseme]

I have a friend who I worked with for many years. she's one of those people that everybody likes and everybody wants to be friends with, but she's such a social butterfly that it's rare people actually get much of her time. I'd say we're closer than many are to her so she confides a lot in me.

She recently confided in me that she has been put on performance management at work. To be honest, this isn't a surprise... she's a very intelligent woman but she is incredibly inefficient (think 2 x hour long coffee breaks, full lunch break etc every day in a job that is long hours in any event and full of very ambitious and often irritable people who don't appreciate her never being available for actual work) and isn't really interested in the work so she does do a very slapdash effort at most things. She's there for the money though (its very well paid) and she'd openly admit that... but on the flip side she's scared of change and she had sort of buried her head in the sand previously when she's had awful appraisals and awful feedback. She's likely to be pushed if she doesn't leave, but leaving will probably involve somewhat of a pay cut.

She's also recently learned she needs a major operation. She learned this after she was on performance management by the way so the two aren't related. It'll require 3 months off work, but she will be paid full pay for 2 and half pay for 1. She also has a £50k wedding they are still paying for for next year (don't even get me started on this - but their choice).

Given the above, I'm hearing a lot (i.e. very time I see her) of "i'm worried about money". I sympathise given all the issues set out above - each one does have a clear bearing on their financial situation and it could be an expensive time for her. I'm a good friend and I listen and sympathise.

However - 2 issues with this:

1. Her and fiancé earn 200k gross between them and take home around 10k a month. they spend money like nobody's business almost constantly and they are so flash its ridiculous - her ring cost thousands, every meal out isat some foodie or Michelin starred place, she has new clothes from designer shops every week etc etc. I know how much their mortgage costs and its 1/5th of that, so I am completely lost as to how they can possibly really be worried about money!
2. Maybe number 1 is short sighted and she lives to her means (many people do) or she deserves the holiday given recent stresses, but she's just come back from a week in a 5 star hotel abroad. They ate out at very nice restaurants every meal and hired a car to drive around. Now, that's all their choice and I have no issue with their holiday but it was booked fairly recently, and what I take issue with is the fact that she's back and immediately moaning about cash yet again. I want to shake her and say "how can you think it's ok to moan about money when you just did all that and you spend what you do!!! and how can you possibly think it's ok to use your medical issue as a 'woe is me' reasoning for said moaning when you clearly didn't care enough about the cash in the first place to not go on this ridiculous holiday or to cut the cost down!

Its none of my business is it... but AIBU to say something? it's really starting to grate on me...

I'm agreeing with those who've suggested ways to broach it. YANBU to try & establish a line to Earth, but don't tell her she's being ridiculous!

Is your friend Patsy from AbFab?

I have a similar friend, in her position through family money. She talks a lot about money; pensions, finding money for this and that, what she needs to spend on. The truth is the money is always there, it's not a 2 am in the morning concern. I think when you don't have it you keep it to yourself as a secret worry. When you haven't got quite as much as you'd like, or can foresee a time when you might have a bit less, you can go all drama queen about it.

Even if she lost her job (her fault) would they be homeless? Would the wedding be cancelled? Would they be scrimping just to keep afloat? No, they'd be staying at the Premier Inn and going to TGI Fridays instead.

I don't think I would tackle her about it. If she's got a good job she can't be a complete idiot, I'm sure she knows how to spend less money. If she chooses not to, and this is what she's doing, nothing you say will make any difference. She sounds a bit dramatic and high maintenance. If things really do get tough - in the real sense of the world - then maybe you could chat through it with her. In the meantime I just wouldn't engage with it, just nod but don't comment. Hard to do, but I've found it works - most of the time!

Btw, when I was living a similar lifestyle I found it reasonably fun to save by aiming to cut my spends in half - this does mean knowing roughly what you spend, though!

You give yourself choices, eg replace ten £150 dinners with five or see what's the very best meal you can get for £75 and have ten of those (or mix'n'match, obviously.) With clothes, allow yourself only to buy from TopShop for two months while your designer kit's still up-to-date. Use the discounts that firms annoying send out only to high spenders. Etc.

That might seem blindingly obvious, but it isn't always because of the strange psychologies underlying high spend. I remember (with great embarrassment) being incredibly excited to find I liked £12 wine almost as much as the £30 bottles I'd been buying.

Now I'm on benefits - my luxury is an extra bar of £1 chocolate I'm not recommending this much of a lifestyle drop to anyone!

• annoyingly - rather an annoying number of mis-types in that post!

Garlic " £150 dinners"

£150 for how many? I should probably sit down for the answer

Does her H2B know how close she is to losing her job? It could be that she is worried about his reaction to their income being halved on the back of her being sacked but is verbalising that as "I am worried about money".

Think the next time she started I would just say something like "Maybe if you reigned in your spending a bit?".

I had a friend a bit like this....always penniless, so I always payed for lunch, coffee, ice creams you name it. The last time we met she showed me her holiday photo's, 3 weeks in Thailand. My family went to Scotland.

I can't bring myself to see her again.

Each, Lorelei :) I had a lot of fun in those days ... !

Garlic, I mean how many people? Do you mean £150 per person?

I think it's fine to say to her.

You could say "You know, I've known you for years and I like you just as you are - I wouldn't think any less of you at all if you just cut back your spending and lived more modestly."

I know that in her shoes I would be glad to hear that.

I should probably add, I once helped a friend get out of debt and the plain speaking was good for her (she said) because she went to a debt counsellor and lied. Thing is, I could see her buying several rounds of cocktails so harder to lie to me!

Just to say even if Garlic meant £150 for 2, I think there's a lot of people spending that - fair enough their business - but I always panic about getting ill plus I hate working so I have to justify where every penny goes - and it ain't gonna be food in my case.

Thanks all

I didnt want to out myself re the job but now after the questions I think its unfair not to... so i'll just say that it's a fairly common job which everyone knows pays well - it just pays even better in the city of London when your clients are banks and companies

I want to confirm that I have actually spoken to her a few times about cut backs - i've made suggestions and even helped her make a spreadsheet.

She insists she's made loads of cut backs and makes comments like "we hardly ever eat out now" and "we're not having any holidays til the honeymoon" etc. But then 2 weeks later instagram and facebook are full of pictures of a night out at the theatre followed by dinner at a celeb chef's restaurant and then she goes on a 5 star jaunt.

sigh. And yes agreed on the 50k wedding - its actually a joke. I cant tell you some of the stories because it would totally out me, but i honestly think some of them would go viral.

ah well in that case she's obviously someone who values spending that way

I think in that case I would say "I find it hard to discuss money when you see it the way you do" or something. I've said that to someone and we're still friends!

re the job, I've tried those City jobs but they are usually foot to the floor busy all the time, I must have been unlucky!

Lorelei76 - youre not wrong! I actually recently left the firm I worked with said friend at and have now moved to a smaller one (and taken the obligatory pay cut I mentioned in my OP for a better work/life balance)