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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to sort out his past with his ex and look towards a future with me?

44 replies

FancyBookLearnin · 26/09/2016 09:56

Hi, first-time poster so I don't know any of the shorthand - sorry!

I'm in mid 20s, boyfriend is in early 30s. We've been together 10 months. He is separated from his wife (she cheated and left him for another man) and plans to divorce her. They have a little girl together, BUT she is a treasure and I adore her as though she was my own, so no issues there.

The future ex-wife, however, IS an issue. She keeps asking my boyfriend for more money to support the child, even though she doesn't work and she is raising her new man's child without complaint. My partner, who has a full-time job, is struggling to make ends meet, and he looks after the child on a few evenings each week, as well as weekends - so he's pulling his weight. He does say no to her, but then she starts playing games, which I know is hard for him - especially if his child is involved.

Yesterday was a rare day that we both had some time off, and the child was with the ex. It was meant to be some nice couple time for us. Instead, one text from the ex asking for money, and suddenly, he's in a bad mood and ranting, knowing I'm powerless to help him.

That said, I do make suggestions.

Why not go to court? - Can't afford it (fair play).
Just tell her what you feel - can't risk upsetting her.

I've even suggested that I could move in and help him financially, i.e. pay half of the bills. I'd like to move out of my parents' house (they're great people, but I need my own space), so it would work well for me. But he seems so reluctant to make a future with me. It's always "I want to get things sorted first", which I understand, but he isn't making any real big steps towards that - including getting a divorce finalised. Everything is "someday". Well, how long will it be until "someday"? I don't want to wait forever! I'd like a future with him and maybe even a family of my own in a few years.

I want to support him and be there for him, but at the same time, I want him to be proactive about things. Maybe it's just a quarter-life crisis?

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 26/09/2016 11:52

DD is dear daughter. DH is dear husband. I think.

I have a son aged 10 with an Ex. We never went through courts to put anything formally into place when we separated; we were able to be as amicable as possible and saved ourselves much time and money (not to mention some bitterness). I love that Ex and I have a good relationship; he comes to our house for DS1's birthday and spends time here, he comes on christmas day evening with his parents and other DS so that we both get time with DS1. We try to work as a team, we communicate often, we respect one another. He texts me with updates about stuff, I do the same for him.

That level of communication and being in one an others lives is not always compulsory. But it's a big thing to walk into a situation where your new partner has a child and expect there to be limited contact. I'm sure my Ex's partner (and my own husband) have found it tough over the years. But that's what you have to put up with if you settle down with someone who has a child from an earlier relationship. And that's what most would consider a "good" relationship break up. I can't even fathom how hard it must be to walk into a situation where there was unfinished business or anger left over. Be cautious of how much of yourself you give to someone who may not be wiling to give back.

george1020 · 26/09/2016 11:52

I'm so sorry but you need to let this one go.

He is still hung up with his ex and their issues. He doesn't want to move forward with you, at least not at the moment.

He is your first BF and maybe one day you will both be in a place to move forward together but until then I suggest having some fun and getting your life sorted.

Anxiety will make you want to have someone to rely on. You need to sort your anxiety by yourself and learn to rely on yourself, to do that you need some space away from your BF for now.

SpareASquare · 26/09/2016 12:01

yes, I know my love will never match her birth mother's

Umm, your love will never match her MOTHERS. What's with the 'birth mother'

Is he paying enough OP?

ShouldHaveBeenJess · 26/09/2016 12:44

I agree with square. The term 'birth mother' is usually employed in regards to an adoptive/foster parent. You are neither.

gingina · 26/09/2016 13:20

Give her a break though. She's new to MN and obviously doesn't know that it is the ultimate sin for a stepmum to use that phrase!!

gingina · 26/09/2016 13:21

Give her a break though. She's new to MN and obviously doesn't know that it is the ultimate sin for a stepmum to use that phrase!!

Gazelda · 26/09/2016 13:27

OP, I'm glad you're taking on board that you'd be wise to slow down.
He's in the middle of a tricky situation with an extra and his DD. You suggesting moving in (and possibly he's picked up on your wish to start a family) might make him terrified he's doubling his problem!
Give him time and space. Have fun with him. Encourage him to formalise child support payments and access for his and DD's sake (not yours).

Gazelda · 26/09/2016 13:27

extra ex

witsender · 26/09/2016 13:28

Listen to him. He is quite right that he needs to get his situation sorted first, and at only 10 months it is way too soon to move in and start playing happy families with his child.

He should go to the CMS and get an amount formalised, her working arrangements have no bearing on this.

Huppopapa · 26/09/2016 13:30

TheSparrowhawk. Says what other people think. Brilliant!

This has danger written all over it and is wholly unnecessary for you to be mixed up in. Find someone you can be selfish with. You can get round to awkward compromises in ten or 20 years, if you must!

Original poster
FancyBookLearnin · 26/09/2016 13:34

Apologies for using that particular term to describe the child's mother. I have seen it used on other sites and thought it was used to differentiate between family types. No offence was intended. I was basically trying to say that even if things did get sorted out and I was involved in this child's life long-term (e.g. as a stepmother) my bond with her would never be like the bond between her and her mother.

I wish they would go to the CMS and get something done formally. The fact neither party seems willing to is part of the problem.

OP posts:
Rrross1ges · 26/09/2016 13:47

Walk away. Find someone who isn't on the rebound and full of excuses.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 26/09/2016 14:02

I agree with others that you should think very carefully and as someone involved with someone with children, I advise you to walk away.
I have 2 children now with my partner and it's caused so much upset and arguments and has made me miserable.
It was a similar situation in that his ex left him for someone else and I think looking back, he was on the rebound. Our situation was forced due to an accidental pregnancy and believe me, it's not something you want to happen with someone like this.

Crunchymum · 26/09/2016 14:09

This man / relationship is not going to do anything positive for anxiety / mental health.

The fact he has to insist he won't go back to his Ex makes me think you bring this up with him regularly add to this the fact you have offered to move in and been rebuffed I would suggest you take a huge step back!!!

Bambamrubblesmum · 26/09/2016 14:10

Don't apologise Fancy there's a culture of buzz word bashing on MN. Anyone dare mention a forbidden word and it's an instant excuse to pile in regardless of how you meant it or whether you are new.

I agree with the others though. Don't settle at your age for something that doesn't work for you. You deserve to come first in a relationship and this guy isn't in a position to give that to you.

2014newme · 26/09/2016 14:13

You are essentially dating a married man. You cannot have any future with him when he is married to someone else.
Tell him to call you when he us divorced, till then the relationship is off.

Annabel11 · 26/09/2016 14:20

Ah, Nickelback fan here. Someday song:

Someday, somehow, I am gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you're wondering when ...

Sorry for that. Anyway, I do think things should be sorted out, especially if you are serious about living with this man. He may feel reluctant to fix all issues currently present, because he is unsure how to do it. When something's too difficult, people often postpone. If there is a way to convince him to focus his energy on a solution, I am sure that the outcome will be great for him and you. Try to explain that to him and get him motivated somehow.

2014newme · 26/09/2016 14:24

It's very sad that your first boyfriend is married to someone else. Bit of a romance killer.

gingina · 26/09/2016 17:09

It's your first boyfriend
It should be fun and carefree and selfish
Not this Sad

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