to be hurt, angry and have lost all trust?

[DrSeuss]

I asked my husband on a number of occasions to NOT tell my MIL a particular piece of personal information about me. I thought he understood my reasons, namely that she is prone to asking intrusive questions, would have to stick her oar into a very private matter and can't keep a secret to save her life. (The first thing he told me about his mum when we met over twenty years ago was not to trust her with anything I wished to remain private so you'd think he'd understand.)

Yesterday, I found out that he has passed on the private information I told him I wanted kept between us. I discovered this by walking into the room while he was on the phone telling her that she has to remember not to pass this information all around family, friends etc!

I confronted him to be told that it just "Slipped out" while talking to her! Seriously?! Right now I am so hurt and angry I can barely control myself. I made it so clear that my private matter was to remain private, I told him explicitly not to tell her. I feel let down, betrayed, furious.

He thinks that I should just forgive him as it was an accident, apparently. I say, if your wife asks you to respect her privacy regarding something, that should be fairly important.

YANBU at all, in your place I'd be furious too.
Yes it might have been an accident, but clearly he didn't see it as important enough to remember to keep his trap shut, did he, and THAT would piss me off more.

Exactly, Thumb. If his sainted boss had told him to keep a secret, it would have gone to the grave with him. I'm just not important enough to keep secrets for. Even if it affects no one but me, I do not enjoy having my privacy invaded. It wasn't anything earth shattering to most people, no one will die from knowing or not knowing but it was my private matter which the most important man in my life was supposed to keep private.

Really sad when you learn that the one person you should be able to trust with your secrets isn't trustworthy at all, isn't it?

Too bad you don't know anything about him that he'd prefer to be kept quiet. Because I'd be sharing that with the worst possible person. (yes, yes, two wrongs don't make a right. But sometimes a person has to learn a lesson in a painful way)

DH and I have a similar situation in that we're best friends with another couple who have a rocky marriage. I learned NOT to tell my DH anything the wife has told me.

What on earth possessed him to blurt it out over the phone?! I don't blame you for being pissed off, I'd tear strips off my DP if he'd told his mother any of my secrets.

In my head I play out scenarios where a couple of highly embarrassing but non serious medical problems of his just "slip out" in conversation with his mother or workmates but I will probably never do it. Thought of listing his work direct line on something suitably embarrassing (do prossies even still put cards in phone boxes?!) but will probably never do that either.

But I can fantasise about saying to his boss when he calls, "Hang on a minute, he's in the bathroom. Been in there ages. Either his piles are playing up again or he's having a wank in the shower. I'll just go and check. The wank should be quite quick, the piles will be a bit longer."!!!!!

He didn't "blurt it out over the phone" as I understand it. The OP overheard him reminding his mother on the phone not to tell anyone about the private matter. OP doesn't say how it came about that he told her, maybe she doesn't know or maybe he is just being ultra vague to close the issue down.

But you know ...............shit happens - the world will keep on turning.

Haha - love that last fantasy!

magic OP's post 14.03 says "he let it out over the phone"

It is amazing that the very first time he did this he got caught.

Unless of course...

I don't see how this sort of thing "slips out".

MIL asks how you are, he replies "fine, thanks".

I can see how if it was something that he was worried about & wanted to be able to talk over with someone then that is one thing, but even so, I think that your "right" to not have medical/personal issues spoken about trumps that.

He sounds like an old gossip!

Is there anyone you can think of that you would prefer to tell yourself, rather than their having the MIL version?

I'd struggle to forgive this.

I'm not sure I'd believe that it just "accidentally slipped out". Usually you know when you're straying into territory you shouldn't be.

I'd be livid too OP.

He has done it deliberately, as he told his mum to keep it secret.

I would be a hell of a lot angrier than you seem to be.

TBH I'd already be flattening the earth over his shallow, unmarked grave . . .

I could almost, almost understand him letting it slip. But I would expect him to be mortified and grovelling after, and to realise what he'd done. It would upset me if he didn't get it.

I work in a profession where showing anger is not OK, you have to be calm. I am very angry, just sometimes the training kicks in. Actually, I'm very deeply hurt as it's just another example of his thoughtlessness. I think he is now understanding after I told him this morning that the presence of our children was the only thing stopping me smashing his face in with a chair and enjoying it! I would probably never do that but the look on his face said that he might be beginning to understand what he's done in terms of hurt and anger.

Assuming you are correct in it genuinely not affecting him, then YANBU.

I have been in the shit for telling people in our family about DH's mental health problems when he wanted to keep a secret from everyone on the basis that it wasn't my business....but in reality it affects me very deeply and there was only so much lying and subterfuge I was willing to engage with.

When told I needed to make up and sell a lie to DMIL to cover for why he had thrown away MIL's present to her granddaughter...I took the other route. This had the intended benefit that she a) is still speaking to us, b) buys stuff that doesn't cause half so many issues.

This would be a deal-breaker for me. I trust my DH with everything. If I told him something was a secret, it would stay that way. I believe your DH was gossiping with your MIL and he knew exactly what he was doing as he asked her to keep the information a secret - even though he couldn't/wouldn't show you the same respect.

It doesn't matter what the issue is. The OP told her DH something, that affects only her, in confidence and he blabbed it to his mother who has a reputation for not being able to keep things to herself. Unless the OP gave him permission to tell someone then he should have took that secret to the grave.

OP YANBU and what would upset me the most is that he seems to be minismising it instead of accepting that he's done wrong.

Well he's going to have to be the one to bump her off then, and soon, before she blabs. Then he can do the time for it. I hope you'll get inheritance.

Are you sure that it is nothing that he feels burdened by and therefore felt he needed to talk to someone about? If not, then he's a twat of the highest order.

If it is something that might possibly worry or burden him and he felt the need to offload elsewhere it might be more forgiveable but surely there's someone other than his mother to fill that role