Going on holiday with my dad every year

[benetint]

My dad lives in Spain and I have been taking my family there for the last three years for our holiday. We haven't really the finances or the leave to have more than one holiday and we feel it's the expectation that we go there every year. It's lovely to spend some time with Dad and it's great to get some sun but it would be nice to do something a bit different. I'd really like to pack up the car and just do a British holiday one year.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful and I know I'm really lucky to have a relative abroad but it hasn't really felt like a holiday the last few years. My dad will literally sit with his feet up and expect three cooked meals a day. He doesn't ever offer to help with our 4 and 6 year old while we're cooking for him and it's the same with cleaning up after meals. It makes me sad as our kids would love to play with him but he always just says 'in a minute'. He lies in till 10am and naps for an hour in the afternoon which restricts what we can go and do for the day. He's 67. We walked half an hour with dad and the kids in 38 degree heat to the supermarket to get a weekly shop for him and us and he got bored and left us there so we had to carry crates of beer, food and 8 litre water bottles back on our own. It's lovely in the evening when the kids are in bed as he really comes out of himself after wine but before then I always feel he's not really listening to me.

I know there's nothing major, it's just lots of little niggles but it puts me off going again.

I know I could talk to him about all this but we've not got that sort of relationship. I did have a frank conversation with my mum a few years ago as my baby was very poorly when she was born and I was rushing her to and from hospital on oxygen all the time so we avoided going to Spain for a few years. Both mum and dad smoked in the flat and we were worried about our baby's breathing problems. Mum and dad were upset we didn't visit them in Spain so we eventually booked but had to cancel as I had to have a lumber puncture for a suspected brain hemorage. They were furious when we cancelled so I plucked up the courage to tell her all the things that were upsetting me about going. It was so awful afterwards and she was so upset. She died shortly afterwards and while I know it wasn't my fault I regret ever speaking to her about these issues.

I think I just wanted someone to talk to about all this.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Not at all. Sounds like it's not even much of a holiday... doing the usual shit if cooking and cleaning in a different place. Yabu to have another holiday with your dad!

I'd take a year off and book something else. Take a proper holiday for yourself.

Yanbu-have the holiday that works for your children.

I believe planes fly from Spain to the UK, so your dad could always visit you.

Presumably when you're not there, he shops, cooks and cleans for himself? So your going over there is not to have a holiday yourself, but to provide him with one? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

He chooses to live in Spain. You do not. And you don't need to go there to be his skivvy either.

"I don't mean to sound ungrateful and I know I'm really lucky to have a relative abroad"
Where on earth did you get this from ? You have nothing - NOTHING - to be grateful for. And how are you lucky? To me, you are singularly unlucky to have such father.

Do not go to Spain again. Have a holiday instead.

YANBU OP, your dad needs to shape up. Too many of these guys who are used to being coddled their whole lives by their wives, then manage to get their daughters to do the same when they find themselves alone.
Take a holiday. I'm really sorry about your mum too.

Oh my crikey, yanbu. At all. In the slightest. Not even a smidge.

Based on what happened when you last had to cancel though, I would prepare yourself for alot of childish huffing and puffing and trying to make you feel bad.

Your parents chose to live abroad and the onus is on them to visit you too.

Enjoy choosing your new holiday destination. Stand firm!

Oh my word.

That does not sound like any sort of fun whatsoever! Have the holiday you want and leave your Dad to cook his own meals.

'had to cancel as I had to have a lumber puncture for a suspected brain hemorage. They were furious when we cancelled'

You sound lovely OP but far too apologetic. I'm truly sorry your mum died but don't let a fear of being honest with your dad stop you from having the family holidays you want in the future.

Why were they furious?

You were the ones losing out on a holiday not them.

Don't ever go again. That doesn't sound like a holiday!

You do sound lovely, and what you describe does not sound like a holiday! It also sounds like you've been through an awful lot, and deserve to do what makes you happy. Most parents would want that for you too.

I've a relative abroad, and when we visit we are treated like VIPs they are so excited to have us stay - offering to watch the baby so we can relax, getting lovely food and drink in, taking us out to their favourite local places. Of course we pitch in, and offer to help but get told to just enjoy ourselves. Our hosts are similar ages to your Dad.

It's very sad about your mum, but you also don't want to regret not giving your children the holidays and experiences you want to give them. As PPs say your Dad can always visit you. Maybe suggest he might like to visit you so he can have a proper holiday, come to you and get your shopping, cook for you three times a day, clean up etc, not fair that only you get that pleasure!

It's so kind of you all to reply to me, I can't thank you enough

As your children get older they won't want to go.
If your Dad lived somewhere un-holiday like - would you still go?
Holidays should be the best fun times not a chore like this.

Your dad sounds awful and really uncaring. YANBU in the slightest!

If AIBU thinks YANBU, then you are not! Unanimous here OP