.....to think that this is not an unreasonable house rule?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

DS1 (5 yo) has a tendency to throw things as part of general playtime. I will be sitting on the sofa and all of a sudden something will go flying past my line of sight. I do not like this. I do not consider it to be acceptable behavior from anyone who's older than 3 yo and capable of following rules generally (he is fine at school). I have told him I do not like this and that if he absolutely must throw, he can do it in the hallway (nothing breakable there), in his room (break your own shit, I don't care) or outside in the garden, but not in the communal areas like living room, kitchen and bathroom. He doesn't listen.

DH claims that I am being completely unreasonable and has mitigated the rule to 'No throwing HARD things' i.e. soft items can be thrown with impunity. I have said I don't like this and have requested that it stop; I have basically been told to suck it up.

I'm really unhappy at having what I think is a perfectly reasonable request be basically just fucking ignored by the other people in my house, particularly by my husband who is old enough to understand the request and comply with it.

I have started to wonder if I'm being unreasonably sensitive in not wanting items flying around the room unpredictably.

AIBU?

[GingerbreadLatteToGo]

Your DH is being ridiculous if he actually believes most people allow this.

Make it more simple for them BOTH: Nothing gets thrown in the house.

Tell DH it's not 'joyless' is NORMAL & safer. If he doesn't like it, or you, he can go and find a more 'joyful' existence elsewhere. Wanker.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Half the problem with kids being over boisterous at home is lack of physical activity. My lot get sent outside to play when they have an excess of energy. DS4(10) is like a dog; he needs to be exercised every day or he gets troublesome.

[Obsidian77]

Contessa, am assuming you're the one who has to pick things up once they've been thrown?
Sorry you're getting no support from DH.
I suggest you really take the piss, for example get DS to throw DH's wallet around so that his bank cards etc fall out, then when he is inconvenienced by not having his card with him at the shops do an innocent face and say "but it was soft, surely that's ok?"
I have pretty low standards but if one of my DC's friends came round and thought it was ok to chuck stuff round in the house I'd be annoyed.
And the soft thing is weird. I'm now thinking of lots of gross things that are soft....but I don't want to lower the tone would flinging faeces be ok?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Obsidian thankfully the issue has never arisen

[Dadstheworld]

YANBU

I've found my children, especially at a young age, respond better to absolute rules. Having a soft rules make it harder when outside of the house.

Encourage your husband to take DS outside and throw a ball around.

[scootinFun]

My boys can be wee ferals at times but even they understand that there are outside games/toys versus stuff it's ok to play with inside. You really need to set some clear boundaries and have your DH back you up. Good luck!

[CalmDownBeyonce]

YANBU, and you 'D'H sounds like a knob for both undermining you in front of your child and throwing water on you (seriously, what a fucking stupid thing to do!).

My DS is only 2.5 and knows that throwing things isn't allowed in the house unless it's part of a (well supervised) game. It's not joyless, it's just sensible.

[Topseyt]

You seem to be married to an arse.

I always forbade throwing in the house for our children. DH did too.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Now that I think about it, I wonder if it's a response to his brother. BIL often grumbles about the lack of structure that he and DH received in their childhoods, and DH speaks with horror about BIL's fairly rigid parenting schedule for his own kids - it is a VERY orderly house and very disciplined. DH has form for struggling with middle grounds, so I wonder if he's trying to NOT be his brother.

Interesting, but not of practical use.

[scallopsrgreat]

I've got one child who has never thrown toys around and one that used to(occasionally still does). I hate it. Much like you LaContessa. It makes me nervous and on edge.

Spoke to my partner about it and explained why I felt that we should have a zero tolerance policy on it (much like you, again). At no point in the conversation did he call me a "killjoy" or throw a glass of water over me. He also agrees with me because he's fucking sensible and not a child who wants stuff broken, people injured, food and drink going everywhere or an anti-social child.

Agree with others the problem is your DH not your DS. This behaviour in your DS could have been stamped out (or at least much reduced) with his support.

As an aside I would have seriously had the rage if he'd thrown water over me. I think you are underreacting to that behaviour.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I think I probably am, scallops. I don't really know what to do about it, though.What can I do?

[DoinItFine]

You can set your own very clear boundaries for what is acceptable around you.

You find it upsetting to be in a room when things are being thrown, so no things may be thrown when you are around. People wanting to throw things must go elsewhere.

You can also tell your prick of a husband that you need to take steps to ensure neither of his sons grow up to be the kind of men who throw things at their wives, so you will be setting the rules about indoor behaviour from now on.

The violent man who uses humiliation to dominate his wife can accept the rules of the non-abusive spouse or he can fuck off to a home where domestic abuse is acceptable.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Yes, well; it's one thing to say 'I will set the rules', but what can you do when you're ignored? Escalate the situation? What can you escalate it to? I mean with adults; it's easier with children - just keep removing toys.

[DoinItFine]

Well apparently acceptable escalation in your home involves throwing water over people.

So you could join in with that piece of shitty carry on.

Or you could have a VERY serious conversation about what the world calls men who throw things at their wives and make it clear that a sincere apology and ongoing co-operation with your boundaries around throwing are a condition of staying married.

[scallopsrgreat]

"Yes, well; it's one thing to say 'I will set the rules', but what can you do when you're ignored? Escalate the situation? What can you escalate it to?"
Well that's up to you. How long do you want to put up with him never admitting he was wrong? Or being completely unreasonable? Or escalating what should have been a perfectly reasonable discussion into an abusive situation?

The thing is you shouldn't have to escalate the situation. This wasn't a situation that needed escalating - he made it so.

Let's face it this is a relatively minor thing aspect of parenting a child that really doesn't much common sense to agree on. Everyone apart from one poster on this thread thinks he is being unreasonable. What's going to happen when he behaves this unreasonably about something that may have worse consequences or bigger implications? What happens if next time it isn't a glass of water he throws over you but an object? Or a door in your face?

It must be exhausting living with someone who thinks they are always right (huge red flag btw). Do you really want the rest of your life to be fighting battles you shouldn't need to fight?

He is unlikely to change btw so I think your approach of trying to manage him/the situations is the wrong way to look at this an will fail, ultimately.

[scallopsrgreat]

really doesn't require much common sense

Having said all that it is probably worth trying at this stage the conversation that DoinItFine has suggested.

[WoTmania]

YANBU - I think that having a no throwing rule is sensible and a 5yo is quite capable of understanding that they can throw in their room but not downstairs/around you.
WRT your H if he isn't around enforce your rules if he is around and as he has no issue with throwing if it were me I would absent myself from the room and let him deal with it.
FWIW one of my DC currently has an incredibly annoying gun which clicks - rules are outside or upstairs. DH isn't bothered by it but because he knows how much it pisses me off he is on board with enforcing these rules.

[Topseyt]

I am also with Doinit.

Enforcing reasonable house rules such as no throwing things indoors and never abusing you again (throwing a glass of water over you was disrespectful and abusive) should be required behaviour from your DH if he wishes to remain married to you.

If you don't set these boundaries at home then what will happen if your DS then thinks it is fine to throw stuff around at school and at other people's houses? DH won't look so clever then will he, or is he so far up his own arse that he will just say that all kids do it and DS should ignore people who tell him not to? After all, they are just killjoys, right?? They are not reasonable people who don't want their homes damaged and to avoid injury??

Your DH is a twat.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I think he thinks they will magically get the message and stop doing it as a natural part of growing up. I am uncertain of this and incline to the belief that it's easier (for everyone concerned) to impose a rule right from the start than to impose it at an arbitrary later age.

There is dispute over this

[Topseyt]

That is questionable logic on DH's part.

Much better to set the rules now.

[DoinItFine]

Well he just threw a glass of water over his wife in an act of domestic violence, so he didn't grow out of it.

He is currentmy raising two men who will bully and dominate and throw things at women.

People who throws things during rows don't get a say on the rules aboyt throwing things.

[mintthins]

Your DH is clearly missing the point. A soft thing might not hurt if it hits you but can still cause loads of damage. Maybe beating him repeatedly round the head with a 'soft' cushion till his nose bleeds might help him see sense?

There is no need to throw anything anywhere indoors. That's what parks and gardens are for.

[HighwayDragon1]

I'd be throwing something in your house. Clothes, shoes, belongings, out the window, closely followed by your dh. He sounds like a charmer why do women put up with this shit?!

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Well. Buoyed up by all of you, I told him exactly what I thought earlier when he called to check in on us (he goes to the pub every Friday as a standard thing). It felt pretty good - I was physically adopting a stance and everything!

He said some stupid bullshit ('I threw the water as a kind of experiment to see what you'd do and now we know that doesn't work' - wtf?!) but I made my various points loudly and clearly. It was easier over the phone tbh, because I wasn't worried about surprise aggression I know, awesome place to be in.

Anyway. He's a lazy twat who just wants a quiet life, so hopefully I have made his cosy bed uncomfortable enough that he won't do that again. I have also made the point repeatedly about being undermined and how it is unacceptable - as someone upthread said, having my opinion respected is a condition of me continuing to live in this house.

So. I am now sitting with a very unhealthy oven food meal veggie sausage and chips in a butty, post-workout and feeling much better. Thank you MN, I will keep you posted on any future developments hopefully there will be at least a temporary attempt at improvement!!

[dowhatnow]

I hope so because you really don't want the boys copying their dad and riding rough shod over your opinions and rules.