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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to not nurture the DC's relationship with MIL because she is so awful to me?

47 replies

notveryclever14 · 22/09/2016 22:46

If your MIL was bordering on abhorrent to you every time she saw you, would you nurture her relationship with your DC?

Among many other things MIL has told me repeatedly she wished DH had never married me, that she hates how I dress, hates that I don't wear make-up, that she hates breast-feeding. She has locked me in rooms at really crucial times (my wedding day, DC's christening, meals with family) "by mistake" and is very physical, shoving me out of the way, again "not intentionally." Luckily we don't see her often, but when we do, I hate every minute of it.

DH sees what she is like, as she is like this with him sometimes although not as often. He confronts her whenever she says or does anything to hurt me and they have a screaming argument (in their native language, so I don't understand what they're saying.) She then begrudgingly apologises, but does it again the next time she sees me, usually out of the view of DH.

She is quite a loud, frightening person, and the DC are a bit scared of her. (Think grabbing them and covering them with lipstick kisses.) Her perfume is overwhelming and very hard to be in an enclosed space, which the DC also find a bit overwhelming.

MIL is desperate to have a relationship with them. DH is trying to nurture it and talks about her to them a lot. But I just can't bring myself to talk nicely about her. Should I be over-riding my resentment and letting the DC make up their own minds?

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 22/09/2016 23:45

Not only no but HELL NO! And I wouldn't agree to DH taking them around, either. If she'll treat you so appallingly, she'll whisper poison about you into your children's ears when your DH isn't around.

RubbleBubble00 · 22/09/2016 23:47

hmm My gran was a brilliant gran to me. I stayed every weekend, she baked with my, on the floor playing puzzles, I was the apple of her eye.

When I was in my late teens, gran got dementia and it all came out how utterly crappy she had been to my mum (all her sons wives infact). Mum was only one who let her dc have contact (me). For many years my dad dropped and picked me up. Never thought much of it at the time. Mum never made any comments about gran and visa versa.

I asked mum in later years why she had kept contact for my sake and mum said she had proven herself to be a good gran and when they had a major fall out she had told gran she would never stop her from seeing me and gran knew if she mentioned anything to me all contact would stop.

ToadsforJustice · 22/09/2016 23:49

She doesn't deserve a relationship with your DC. Keep them away from her. She sounds unhinged.

awkward91 · 22/09/2016 23:54

She's locked you in rooms on multiple occasions?! What a psycho!

I would leave it up to DH to help facilitate a relationship with your children but not be involved in it myself if I was in your position. She sounds like an awful person and you'd be justified in staying away from her.

WinchesterWoman · 22/09/2016 23:58

God no. Not at all. That would be very bad for your children indeed.

VimFuego101 · 23/09/2016 00:15

No, I would not allow contact. Your children shouldn't be around someone that poisonous.

Lynnm63 · 23/09/2016 00:27

No. I wouldn't have any contact with her save weddings and funeral type meetings and she would have no access to my DC. In fact I'd make sure even at wedding/funeral DC were attended by you or dh at all times so mil couldn't approach them without you to intervene if necessary. Obviously your dh can make his own mind up about how often he visits.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/09/2016 00:37

I want to hear more about being locked in rooms. Once would be a very unusual and unfortunate, unlucky occurrence. But FOUR times???? (or more) Does she really think people are stupid enough to believe they were all "by accident"??

I'd go NC. She sounds toxic.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 23/09/2016 00:44

If it was just a clash of personalities and DH could facilitate a relationship successfully for the dc, then that would be one thing.
Your MIL doesn't sound like she can moderate her own behaviour though so I'd be worried about her dripping poison in their ears or indeed punishing them for stuff. They're already alarmed by her. I'd be very wary of them being around her I think.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 23/09/2016 01:25

I wouldn't be nurturing contact. Not unless I thought she could be trusted to behave well around the DC and be civil towards you when DC are present, and be civil about you when you're not present.

My dad and my maternal grandmother hated each other. Personality clash from what mum said. But I didn't realise this at all until my mum mentioned it a few years back - dad and gran both minimized their contact with each other, were polite to each other when they did come into contact (at least in front of me), and refrained from talking about each other in front of me. Leaving me completely oblivious to their dislike for each other. So it can be done if everyone is prepared to act like responsible adults around the kids.

But DH's paternal grandmother on the other hand - made it clear to DH and his sibling that she didn't think MIL was good enough for FIL, and openly and repeatedly referred to MIL as "the [MILs hometown] bitch" in front of DH. Why MIL let that grandmother - grandchild relationship continue is beyond me. MIL is about as far away from being a bitch as you can imagine by the way. She's too nice for her own good if anything.

mmgirish · 23/09/2016 05:46

I wouldn't nurture a relationship between your kids and her. You would be condoning her behaviour if you did. Let your husband do it.

1hamwich4 · 23/09/2016 06:09

I think it is worth teaching children that they are not obliged to be 'close' to anyone, however related they are. Closeness is earned by behaving well towards each other, not by accident of birth or marriage.

SabineUndine · 23/09/2016 06:12

Locked you up on your wedding day?!!! She shouldn't get near your kids, she's clearly got personality issues.

MagikarpetRide · 23/09/2016 06:49

My first reaction was maybe let them see her with just DH present. Or on neutral ground where you can beat a speedy exit if needs be. This is from someone who's GM had a habit of being vile to DM and others, she was a good gran to me (except now I'm older I realise she played golden child and scapegoat with me and my sister, though in opposite to DM so possibly that was good too).

But then I read about locking you in rooms multiple times. That's without even a nod to being physical with you all. I echo what other's have said, it makes me seriously doubt you' or your DH would be able to keep the DC safe. She's shown herself unwilling to change so I'd definitely stop contact at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2016 06:51

"If your MIL was bordering on abhorrent to you every time she saw you, would you nurture her relationship with your DC?"

No, and more to the point why would you ever want to do that in the first place?. She was not a good parent to your H, she is not and will not be a decent sort of grandparent to your children. You've already seen her behaviours towards you, why have her at all around your children who are after all your most precious resource.

In answer to your last question that is no because your children also are not emotionally mature enough to be making such decisions anyway. You are the parent, they are relying on your good judgment. Your DH seems totally mired in fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to his mother so he may not be helpful here. I would keep yourself and your children well away from her and not see her under any circumstances. She is not an emotionally healthy role model for your children to witness.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different.

ConvincingLiar · 23/09/2016 06:56

This is horrendous. I wouldn't want the children ever seeing her (apart from big family occasions when it can't be avoided).

PGPsabitch · 23/09/2016 07:15

No way. Given your dh has seen this, knows how she is then he should be keeping her at arms length too.

Besides being very unfair and hurtful to you, what do you think it will do to your kids to see that?

I can tell you now that when I saw my nan being an utter bitch to my mum especially for no reason at all, I went nc with nan. I have just got back in touch slowly, but what upsets me is looking back with hindsight and realising all the nasty insidious things my nan had subtly down that only now I see. I was fuming with my dad as well.

Plus, how do you know she won't start targeting one of your kids?

I'd go with what people have said: she's unpleasant person. Shame on your husband for encouraging them to see her as fantastic when she's been awful to you both.

MrsJayy · 23/09/2016 08:08

She sounds unhinged she has locked you in rooms really ? What does your dh say to that. Nobody should be near her never mind children

CoraPirbright · 23/09/2016 09:51

What happens when your children start displaying 'traits' from their much loathed mother (i.e. you)?? I think she would turn on them too. Sounds unhinged and I would not want her around my kids, sorry.

Deejeebee · 23/09/2016 10:01

Hell no! I wouldn't want her anywhere near me or my family!

My grandma was horrible to my mother and my mother always tried to build a relationship between me and her but after seeing the way she treated my mother I want nothing to do with her and the rest of her family!

You children will grow up seeing the way she treats you and will react the same way I would say spare them the pain, don't say anything mean (or nice) about her in front of them.

By the looks of it she's pushed them away herself.

Just try and stay away from the crazy lady.

WhooooAmI24601 · 23/09/2016 10:02

Nope. If she's abusive to you there's no reason to believe she won't be abusive to your DCs. She has no right to treat you that way, the fact that she does shows she has no respect or consideration for you at all. That will come through in her relationship with your DCs and, ultimately, you have the right to protect them from anyone who could cause harm. She falls firmly into that category.

Is it possible for you not to have any contact with her at all; if your DH wants to continue seeing her that's his choice, but you don't have to have her in your home, you don't have to have her in your life.

ElsieMc · 23/09/2016 10:13

What if your children do not reach her high standards? She might think she wants a relationship with them but she cannot control her behaviour around you can she and they are your children. I think you need to protect them here, put them above your DH's feelings. I think YANBU to not allow her contact with them at all at the very least, it absolutely must be supervised. What a horrible, cruel woman she is.

My MIL was very pa with me. Putting my looks down, criticising the meals I cooked Dh, sulking at our wedding, when my dad died suddenly in my twenties never even mentioning it. When I had dd1, told me I was a dirty person because I placed her on my bed - telling me I might as well put her on my sanitary towel. Decided to ignore my dd2 only sending a card when my dh questioned why she had not received a card or small gift 6 weeks after her birth and so much more.

This is far less than you are suffering and I went nc many years ago to protect myself and more importantly my children because she only wanted to see one of them. Don't let matters get this far.

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