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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to this party invitation

67 replies

Hayls · 05/02/2007 11:21

Ok so I'm not objecting so much as struggling to decide how I feel about this...

A friend of ours turns 30 next week and we received a party invitation from his girlfriend (who we've only met once as they only met recently). She's hired a room somewhere along with a band and catering and the invitation asks us to contribute towards the cost . She's also requested that we don't buy him presents but either JOhn LEwis or Amazon vouchers, which doesn't bother me although I hate people knowing how much I've spent.

OUr friend knows she's organising something but doesn't know any details or who's invited.

YOur thoughts please- is it normal to invite people to a party and ask them to pay for it?!

P.S Money just isn't an issue for this couple; it's not as if the party can't/ won't go ahead if we don't contribute.

OP posts:
DizzyBint · 05/02/2007 12:33

no way! what she maybe should have done is spoke to his closest friends and organised the party together, and paid for it together. not just go inviting people and asking for money on the invite!!! how odd.

will the friend not be mortified when he finds out his girlfriend did this?!

Aloha · 05/02/2007 12:34

A friend of mine did this. MN collectively agreed it WAS unreasonable. Blooming cheeky.

smoggie · 05/02/2007 12:39

OMG how strange.
I def wouldn't contribute to the party and if the girlfriend mentioned/asked for anything just laugh, then look really shocked and say loudly 'Oh my God you're serious, we all thought it was a joke!'

filthymindedvixen · 05/02/2007 12:43

McDreamy - i jave been to several 40ths on those lines, not a problem at all,

I'm with madmarchhare..

EllieHsMum · 05/02/2007 12:47

Very odd.

dassie · 05/02/2007 12:47

As the invite says 'contribution OR food/drink' I would just take drink and not make a contribution.

You could always take a really special bottle of something and present it to him as part of his present.

princessmel · 05/02/2007 12:48

I know someone who did this. Invited everyone to a really extravagent party then said we needed to pay £30 each, plus we needed to hire a dj for dh. We didn't go.

Another couple did this too , asked people for dinner then said when they arrived how much it was per couple.

I think its really rude and strange.

Parties are a big expense but if you can't afford it then don't do one .
Or say 'bring a bottle or I suppose you could say bring a plate at most.

Blu · 05/02/2007 12:54

The invitation does give you the let-out - take a bottle of champagne, or two of good cava, and don't make a contribution.

The gf's approach is really, really vulgar (I recoil from the idea of a 30 year old asking for vouchers...wedding presents, yes, just about - but not for a 30th present!) , but pretend her approach doesn't exist, take wine, and enjoy it as your friend had organised it, and enjoy yourselves!

firsttimemama · 05/02/2007 12:55

I think it said "contribute and/or food and drink"

belgo · 05/02/2007 12:55

take party poppers as your contribution

titchy · 05/02/2007 12:55

why don't you (or dh) reply to him saying you're more than happy to bring a bottle OR a dish, but not both and that you can't really afford to contribute to the band-hire as requested. he may be unaware that the gf has put this on the invites...

Blu · 05/02/2007 12:56

The vouchers would be ok if she had said 'he really really wants a sooper dooper extra special widgetty whatsit, and if you would like to join in buying it for him, give these vouchers'...but not general vouchers - naff, grasping and vulgar!

Imafairy · 05/02/2007 12:59

I'd bring a bottle, AND buy him a present. (and hold my breath till I turned blue!!)

dassie · 05/02/2007 13:08

But the prescence of the OR in and/or gives you the let out.

These things need to be paid up front so its not like the band is going to walk out after half an hour if they don't get enough contributions. By organising it she is taking the risk that people won't contribute so she must have the money set aside.

I wouldn't necessarily bring him into it though - it might spoil his birthday.

Original poster
Hayls · 05/02/2007 14:02

No, agree about not talking to him about it as a. he doesn't know anything about it and b. he might be a bit p**d off.

I don't mind the bring a bottle thing but when it stretches to bring your own food and please contribute to the band cost I get a bit uncomfortable. We are going to take a couple of bottles (actually neither of us drink but will take them anyway ) along with some soft drinks but I am not donating to the band. Categorically.

As for the vouchers, her wording was that she couldn't get any ideas from him other than Amazon vouchers for books or JL vouchers to do up his house so that's fine.

AS for the food, we will have to leave mid afternoon to get there, check in, get ready and have a meal somewhere first. What on earth can we take that doesn't have to be kept in the fridge? Jumbo bag of crisps?

OP posts:
madamez · 05/02/2007 15:08

Just wondering, though, if this girl has previously been used to a social circle where everyone does chip in towards parties: some folks do go in for that sort of thing and it is quite practical.

mamama · 05/02/2007 15:13

How strange... Saying byob is one thing but to pay for the party and bring a gift and it has to be these type of vouchers..? Rather rude, I think.

3andnomore · 05/02/2007 15:17

HOw bizarre...I mean, it's one thing to ask to bring a bottle or something maybe for a Buffet (although, for a Birthday Party etc...don't know, doesn't seem right), but to ask to contribute to the costs of the actual Party?...hm........!

marymillington · 05/02/2007 15:23

Its a bit funny.

But if you say that they have only met recently perhaps its not appropriate for her to fork out hundreds of pounds for his party. I mean if she's a girlfriend of a few months rather than his wife of 5 years. In which case he should probably be paying for it himself, really, but then it wouldn't be much of a surprise party if she presented him for a bill at the end.

Just read her wording about bringing along some food and drink - tbh I think that's fine.

Skyler · 05/02/2007 15:30

Yes this is very odd. Bring your own drinks is acceptable, but not asking for monoey . I also think it is appaulling (sp?) to ask for vouchers and think £25 is very generous actually. The only time a present should be mentioned on an invite is to say NO presents please and perhaps suggest a charity donation instead.
I don't mind wedding lists as this does make life easier but I still prefer to buy something rather than vouchers.
We had a wedding list but we didn't send the info out with the invites. Word got round though and we also had some lovey personal gifts from people too.
McDreamy - If I was going to a restaurant for someones birthday I would def expect to pay, and probably for the birthday boy/girl too. (We went carting at Akrotiri for a friends 40th. It was excellent fun - no booze though obviously )

Original poster
Hayls · 05/02/2007 15:35

Those are fair points actually, they have only been together for just under a year so bit much to expect her to pay for it all. IN that case, though, why not ask him to organise it or do something smaller? My brain hurts from thinking about it now, I don't feel really strongly that it's wrong but would prefer not to have the burden of it! And I have no issue with bringing food and drinks with us, suits us fine as we're both so fussy and don't drink alcohol.

In any case we are going to go head north for what will hopefully be a fab party and there will ne no more mention of any money- if so we will just pay it I guess.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 05/02/2007 15:37

no it is not normal to invite people to a party and ask them to a pay

nor is it normal to dictate what type of birthday present should be given

I should ignore both if I were you

she's incredibly crass IMHO

gscrym · 05/02/2007 15:45

Send him the Amazon vouchers, make your excuses and have a nice time somewhere else. That'll take the headache away.

I also think she's a bit rude. It's fine saying 'oh would you bring some sarnies, nibbles' if you're skint but if they're well off then it's a cheek.

BassMama · 05/02/2007 23:11

They are asking you to contribute to the party AND get a gift?! thats RUDE!

Also, who is she to decide that her new BF would like John Lewis or Amazon vouchers? As you have clearly known him longer than she has, surely she has to respect that you could probably pick a gift better yourself?

I think this is bizarre.. But your probably going to have to do it!

Sure your friend will be rather embarrased when he finds out too, i would be.

suzycreamcheese · 06/02/2007 17:38

why have a party really if you cant afford it..