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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that 5 guys making inappropriate advances in 18 months is 'normal'?

56 replies

itstimeforchange · 20/09/2016 23:10

Please tell me I am!

I am married with 3 kids. Spent most of my married life having/bringing up the kids. Didn't get out that much except for a few freelance work events.

18 months ago I joined a club, and a year ago I started working regularly. Since that time no fewer than FIVE men who have got to know me through these avenues have either tried to bed me, proclaimed their undying love for me, or tried to kiss me. They all knew I was married etc.

(I will say now that I'm absolutely nothing special physically, slightly overweight, a bit short, etc... I'm definitely not boasting here, but instead just wondering whether I have just been rather 'hopefully naive' about the regularity some people are willing to have affairs. Confused Despite knowing of course that they must happen all the time...)

OP posts:
MyballsareSandy2015 · 21/09/2016 09:10

Stiflers mum PMSL Grin

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 21/09/2016 09:12

If it is people that you have spent a lot of time with it could just be that you are much more of an 'open' person maybe slightly too nice to everyone.

FairyDogMother11 · 21/09/2016 09:22

Bogey - my confidence improved ten fold, so I think you are right in saying it would, I used to be very nervous about saying no or brushing away attention, now I have no qualms at all! Grin

itstime I think that's quite common though, struggling more with people you know. You care more about upsetting someone you know, but just remember if they really cared about you, they wouldn't be putting you in a position that makes you uncomfortable or upsetFlowers

megletthesecond · 21/09/2016 09:28

No. I've been a lp for 8yrs and not one bloke has chatted up at work or the gym. I suspect I have a resting fuck-off face though.

Bountybarsyuk · 21/09/2016 09:34

I think it must be difficult working in a pub as part of your job is to be super friendly and joke with people, the potential for that to be misunderstood, plus the confidence given by alcohol makes it a magnet for guys.

I work with lots of very attractive professional men, but although I do get nice glances and so forth, they don't hit on me openly. I would never give out my number to any of them, I don't seek opportunities to be alone with them and I try to be very professional and don't discuss anything except work. It's a bit sad you have to be like that, and I do have some male colleagues I know better who I can be more myself with, but over the years I've found it's better to forestall any interest, plus as I age, there is probably less interest anyway.

I don't build fun jokey semi-intimate friendships with them that then tip into them making passes- I'm not saying the OP does that, because they may be coming out of nowhere, but I have a friend that does this, then acts astonished when their intimate lunch together away from colleagues, all secret, turns into a proposition.

It's actually a shame I can't relax more!

WhatTheActualFugg · 21/09/2016 09:36

OP you just need to practice your resting bitch face. You're simply being too nice to them. Like dogs. They get a whiff of a bone and they want the whole bloody steak.

This doesn't happen to me anymore.

But when I was younger I couldn't walk down the street without men falling all over me. Yes, I mean that literally. Usually greasy middle aged men and Big Issue sellers. I was a pretty little thing but no leggy model. I think it was just because I was brought up to smile at people. BIG mistake! Eventually I became too scared to leave the house. I was petrified thinking everyone was always looking at me. It was horrible.

queenoftheknight · 21/09/2016 09:40

This has never happened to me. I have always had lots of friends who are men. They would never be so disrespectful.

Discobabe · 21/09/2016 09:42

I'd wonder if I was giving out the wrong message for someone to be texting me that when I'm married. It's not exactly something that you randomly text to someone without there being some sort of history/background.

SarcasmMode · 21/09/2016 10:03

I know what you mean.

Like you I'm overweight and short but I don't even leave the house often to having young DC so it ends up being a few male friends/acquaintances that have done it.

Ummmm no. If I wanted to be with you, I'd be with you not DH.

I have no idea why people do this - as women do it too (not to me but you know what I mean). It's more often men though.
Another notch in the bedpost?
Ego boost?
Challenge?

No idea the reason.

Flattering in terms but now I see it for what it really is.

RunningLulu · 21/09/2016 10:06

This happened to me when I started climbing. Not enough women do it around here, so a lot of men were bemused at first and then started hitting on me. All of them were younger, really good looking types (I'm an average size 12 in mid-thirties). They were really sweet about it though & backed off when I told them I'm married.

SarcasmMode · 21/09/2016 10:08

Although King I knew a guy very critical of women's weight. I think it was because he was stick thin though and anyone over 10st might've crushed him.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 21/09/2016 10:15

When I first got married, a lot of my husband's friends assumed that since I was clearly shagging one much older man, I wouldn't mind taking on a few extra...
These people are no longer my husband's friends and my reputation for having an impressive left hook has helped to stop it being a common occurrence any more. I'm not normally at all scary (normally I'm more wallpapery) but I can be very scary if I need to.
Our neighbour once made serious advances when he knew MrZ was at sea and tried to insist when I declined. He got the left hook treatment too. thankfully he moved away not long after, I slept with a knife under my pillow for a long time after that.

WorraLiberty · 21/09/2016 11:04

worry one of them more or less has, yes. Without directly quoting his most recent text, he wants to be with me all the time, wants to hold me forever, doesn't just want my body but ME as well, etc etc. I've known him a bit longer than the others actually but it happened to coincide. He works at the local shop and our kids are at the same school.

He just texted you that, out of the blue? Confused

I agree, that's bloody weird.

Birdsgottafly · 21/09/2016 11:10

""I'd wonder if I was giving out the wrong message for someone to be texting me that when I'm married. It's not exactly something that you randomly text to someone without there being some sort of history/background.""

Do you think that everyone who gets stalked, sexually assaulted (by someone they know) etc, has done something "to bring it on themselves"? This is very much the failing of the person that "tries their luck", for some men being friendly towards them, is enough.

Youve just been lucky that you haven't experienced this, but not so lucky if you've internalised the idea that a woman has to be to blame if she is inappropriately sexually approached.

Original poster
itstimeforchange · 21/09/2016 12:07

mitten yes it definitely makes a difference if you look approachable/don't have a resting bitch face. It's nice to know that I must look 'nice' but looking nice doesn't mean I'm out to get some.

zaphod In a discussion with my mum where I was moaning yet again about something DH did (another story) she said why don't you ditch him and go with one of these other admirers! I said, "well, even if I wanted to do that, maybe I would if they were even vaguely close to my age (all have been at least 25 years older than me) and actually wanted more than just sex..." Two of them actually told me they were only after some fun at work, didn't want it to affect their home lives at all, etc. Hmm

iamapixie Clearly I am too nice. Trouble is, I've been trying to be 'less nice' and I'm not very good at it; I'm just genuinely a warm, friendly person. I don't want to have to be someone different! Sad I've learned a bit about what some men find 'flirty' though and have tried to avoid those things when around guys.

OP posts:
Original poster
itstimeforchange · 21/09/2016 12:11

Thanks fairy. I know. I just don't like making enemies. It seems to be lovers or enemies with some guys - nothing in between...

worra yes more or less out of the blue. i.e. we haven't exchanged texts for maybe 6 months, and back then it was only boring stuff. Our only time spent together is on occasional school drop offs we will walk back in the same direction for about 5 mins before our paths split, but this is not often (once/twice a month most?). I did see him on the morning of this text. He has said in the past that he fancies me but I've always been firm but kind and said no to any advances. However he's somewhat different from the others in that I know he respects me (he's never made any inappropriate moves, unlike all the others) and yesterday later apologised for his texts.

Zippy Shock

OP posts:
Bountybarsyuk · 21/09/2016 12:22

If a married guy had already told me he fancied me, I'd be giving him a wide berth, not chatting on school drop offs. Just say hi and move away quickly. There's nice, and then there's actively not removing yourself when it's going in the wrong direction (which someone telling you they fancy you is). I wouldn't hang out with a guy who had openly told me he fancied me, unless it was a good friend from 30 years ago, because it is clear they already don't have good boundaries about what to say to their friends and may be likely to continue, and that's what happened. I have had people fishing in this way and I just ignore them/am very brisk.

This is different than being approached out of the blue where you have no inkling to them linking you.

I'm guessing the rest are older men in jazz bands who have had a few drinks and are horribly inappropriate normally, I can well imagine they think the night-time ambiance lends itself to such advances. They sound very irritating and it's bad if it interferes with your hobby.

Meripenopause1 · 21/09/2016 12:35

I have particularly noticed over the years that a minority of men make inappropriate advances towards women whose breasts they have noticed. Obviously inappropriate advances go on all the time to all kinds of women, and I'm sure that you have a point about 'niceness', OP. But I can honestly say that the only pattern I have truly seen is that some men approach large breasted women. There is less holding back, I suspect due to some kind of idiotic objectifying. Only seeing breasts rather than a whole person maybe.

mirime · 21/09/2016 13:00

"His reply?

"I dont mind" "

I got chatted up on a bus once, said I wasn't interested as I was engaged, his reply was "oh, he won't mind" Hmm

BreatheDeep · 21/09/2016 13:25

No one ever approaches me or flirts or anything. I have been told I have a 'doesn't take fools gladly' aura and I definitely have a resting bitch face though. Glad my husband got past it!

namechangingagainagain · 21/09/2016 13:46

I have only been seriously propositioned once in my 14 yrs of marriage. I'm not unattractive but I don't really flirt with anyone other my husband and I think men can tell that they would an eyebrow raise and a polite no thank you/fuck off if they were to suggest anything. People have said in the past I can be a bit cold or intimidating (personally I think there is an element of sexist bullshit about that). The only time I have been seriously chased was my hairdresser. I thought he was gay..... I perhaps did flirt a bit and was very surprised to find out he was in fact straight! I avoided him from then on ( and that is a whole other thread as he cut my hair really well and I can't find anyone else as good!!).

RalphSteadmansEye · 21/09/2016 16:38

I have literally never been chatted up, flirted with, propositioned, looked at funny, texted, etc etc etc in my entire life, since getting together with Dh 25 years ago.

I think I'm at least averagely attractive. I give off 'that' air, don't I????

doji · 21/09/2016 17:07

I don't have much issue with this myself, but then I'm a massive intovert and definitely have resting bitch face, which I guess puts many people off. I'm also pretty oblivious - I've had at least two guys tell me I shot them down when they tried to ask me out (some time after the fact). I had no idea, sadly, as I'd have said yes if I'd known!

On the very odd occasion I'm getting creeped on (and I'm aware of it), I have no qualms in telling them no and exactly what I think of them, politeness doesn't work with the persistent ones...

Basically it seems you have much better interpersonal skills than me and are a nicer person! Learn to channel your inner bitch...

LotsOfShoes · 21/09/2016 20:05

This happens to a friend of mine a lot. We also work together and she has gotten hit on by men there as well. I rarely ever get hit on and never by anyone at work. We're both engaged/married and fairly equally attractive IYSWIM. She keeps saying she doesn't know why she keeps getting asked out. But honestly, I can see why. She is just very very nice to people. Always smiling, super polite, laughs at all their jokes, generally looks interested. And it looks like she's flirting.

Whoooodat · 21/09/2016 20:12

I definitely think if you are open, friendly and smiley you get approached far more than if you are quiet, reserved or a bit stern. It's not really about looks at all.

Also if you get to know someone on a personal level eg through work or a hobby then again, you are more likely to get hit on.

I think a lot of men misconstrue friendliness but also chance their arm if they get the opportunity.