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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 'poor' is a relative concept?

42 replies

Onefourseventwofivenine · 20/09/2016 22:31

My brother has all his kids at private school, he has a huge house in North London, and they have at least two holidays a year. Yet he considers himself poor because they only have one car. My DD's dad goes on holiday every year, eats out or has take aways on a regular basis and maintains a gambling account, yet claims to be flat broke. I often have something ridiculous like £1.20 in my bank in the run up to pay day. I don't begrudge anyone their money, but am a little sick of hearing how broke everyone is, as they swan off on holiday, or moan about not being able to afford a second car. I know I'm better off than many as I am (just) able to keep a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in the fridge, but I am so sick of hearing the 'I am so poor' whining from people who have no concept of what being poor actually is. AIBU to tell them to shut the fuck up and try walking in my shoes for a day?

OP posts:
SillySongsWithLarry · 21/09/2016 17:57

If you are happy with your lot in life you will feel blessed not poor. I don't have much in terms of material possessions (bar some equity in my flat in the rough end of town). I'm not poor we have everything we need.

maggiethemagpie · 21/09/2016 18:05

My brother does this. His annual bonus is more than my salary, yet he whinged about paying to stay at a travelodge the night before my wedding so that I could stay at my dad's house on my last night as a (maiden name).

He's rich, but tight which is the worst combination of all.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/09/2016 18:16

we are poor in comparison to many at school, but rich compared to most of the world. I try to remember how fortunate we are but everynow and again someone will manage to get under my skin with whinging about their poverty or going on about their house in the posh part of town.

My favourite was a group considering whether to do a food challenge where they lived on less than 2.50 per day per person. me nodding along and counting on fingers... then discovering that I would have to spend £15 more per week to hit the target they thought was really difficult, especially as I felt that there was not much that I would buy different if we had a bigger budget anyway.

we are rich in that we have enough, bills are paid, run a car, we have a home, and enough for a holiday and a few treats.

IceIceIce · 21/09/2016 18:20

YANBU. Id have to point these things out every time they mentioned it. Or avoid them as much as possible. These sorts of people need to pull their head from their backsides, to be quite honest.

specialsubject · 21/09/2016 18:21

Everyone on here has internet access, with all the knowledge, guidance and information that brings. (Even outside MN....)

if we have access to a toilet we are better off than 1 billion of the world's population. Plus we have drinking water, no insect borne disease that will kill and free-at-use health care. Oh, and we aren't in a war zone.

no, we're not perfect. Yes, we have people who are homeless and who are struggling. It is indeed all relative.

Chikara · 21/09/2016 18:26

First of all no-one is really saying that they are living in real poverty.

People say "I'm exhausted!" - take them to a group of soldiers fighting for their lives or a doctor at the end of a three day shift in a war zone.
People say "I'm starving!" - no they are not
People say "I felt like death"/ I nearly died!" " I'm sooo fat!!" "I could kill him!"

People say "I'm broke"
You get the picture

If you think your friends are unpleasant/ungrateful people - don't be with them.

We do need to reassess what we have and learn to appreciate our situation better - we all tend to do it in our own time.

A holier than thou attitude is not attractive! You are better off than lots of people but in reality you just sound jealous.

pilpiloni · 21/09/2016 18:29

The trouble is you compare yourself to your peer group. Your brother feels poor in comparison to the circles he's mixing in. It's a fact that people are happier with their lot when richer than those around them.

RebelandaStunner · 21/09/2016 18:32

People who spend everything they earn probably feel that way no matter how much they have coming in and what they spend it on.

Only makes them poor in the choices they have made.
It's not poverty if your basic needs are met ie: are fed, fresh water, a working roof over your head, have medical treatment available, clothed and warm. Your brother has far more than that. Hibu

Original poster
Onefourseventwofivenine · 21/09/2016 18:59

The Fishewife, that pet thing just puzzles me! I know someone who cannot work due to ill health and is always going on about being a poor single parent, but has four cats and two dogs. I don't know if any of the animals are neutered or chipped, but it just seems so irresponsible to have pets when you're on the breadline. I'm guessing she takes them to the PDSA if they need treatment, but she has to feed them. I do understand why someone would want a pet, my daughter wants a giant house rabbit Hmm, but there is no way I could justify a) buying a pet b) paying pet insurance and vet bills and c) feeding the pet when I struggle to pay the utility bills! It's not only financially irresponsible, it's irresponsible to the animal if you can't afford to get it chipped, neutered and cared for. Some things are a necessity, even if money's tight. You might need a car for work, for example, but nobody needs a pet, or several pets, they can't afford to care for, surely? And as for Sky, if you can find the money for that, yet cry that you can't afford school uniform for your kid, you have some seriously screwed-up priorities.

OP posts:
Dontyoulovecalpol · 21/09/2016 19:04

Of course it's a relative concept. It couldn't be otherwise really could
It?

Original poster
Onefourseventwofivenine · 21/09/2016 20:18

Umm, Chikara, I am interested to know how my attitude is 'holier than thou'? I am not jealous of my brother. I am happy that he doesn't have to struggle financially. I am just a little fed up of hearing people moaning about being 'poor' because they can't stretch to a second car when my experience of being 'poor' means I can't stretch to paying the gas bill. And yes, I am fully aware that I am most definitely not poor in comparison to a lot of people; but I most definitely am in comparison to a lot of other people. So yes, 'poor' is a relative concept. It's not 'holier than thou' to try and put a positive spin on things, particularly where children are concerned. So, my daughter is good friends with a girl whose parents are extremely well off. Whenever she comes back from this friend's house, she says things like 'X has this and X has that' and I always say something along the lines of 'aren't you lucky to have a friend with this and that, it means you can play with them whenever you are there'. She generally forgets about the 'this and that' very quickly, or, if it's something she really wants, we make a plan to save pocket/birthday money. By the time the money has been saved (topped up by Mummy), she's moved onto something else anyway.

OP posts:
Careforadrink · 21/09/2016 20:24

Lol at the comment that absolute poverty is rare in the UK. Try volunteering. There are lots of kids in this country who go to bed hungry and cold every night.

minipie · 21/09/2016 20:28

Feeling poor is relative.

Being poor is absolute.

Original poster
Onefourseventwofivenine · 21/09/2016 20:50

Careforadrink you are so right. I often tell my daughter that there are kids her age in Africa who would kill to go to school/have books to read/have paper and a pencil to draw or write. But there are kids right here who don't have these things. It breaks my heart to think that there are children going to bed hungry, uncared for, or worse. I work in a school and it has completely opened my eyes to what some children have to endure.

OP posts:
DownWithThisSortaThing · 21/09/2016 20:50

I think the problem is with focusing on what you don't have rather than what you do have.
I had a few moments over the summer where I thought 'I would love a holiday, I wish we could afford one' etc but then you put it into perspective that there is no weight of the worry of not being able to feed and clothe my child. Realising that you just don't have that worry and lots of people do.

I think also a lot of people have never really experienced being poor and not being able to afford to put the heating on in winter or feeding your kids and going without food yourself because you just have no money left that month, so to them not having the second car is the worst it's ever been and is what they would consider 'skint'.

Chikara · 21/09/2016 22:58

OP - the "holier than thou" comment was in response to the "try walking in my shoes" - yet I don't complain implication. The comment about having only £1.20 in the ban and yet you appreciate all you have whereas these people are only concerned about money, (rather than - it is again implied - the more important things in life that I an concerned with).

Actually it is galling to hear people whinging about anything, especially money, when you have less so I do take your point.

Chikara · 21/09/2016 23:00

Sorry - should have previewed. Typos.Overtired.

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