To consider approaching school about my daughters possible eating disorder

[Inyournightdress]

I have a beautiful fifteen year old teenage daughter who over the past year and a half has just shrunk into herself and lost a lot of weight. She is constantly 'dieting' and exercises daily. My partner and I have been discussing the prospect of there being something more serious going on and today when tidying her room I found vomit in the bin in her en-suite. She goes to an independent school which has both day and boarding facilities and because of my work hours and the fact she has a few friends who boards has both breakfast and lunch at school.

The pastoral support at her school isn't great but there are few enough pupils that it would be easy to keep an eye on her at meal times? Would it be unreasonable for me to discuss my concerns with the school to see if they pick up on anything strange at meal times.

I hope the GP can offer some support.

In the meantime could you try to increase the calory content of the things she does eat at meal times with you? Swap to full fat milk, grate cheese on top of pasta, use butter in mash? Anything to get extra into her without her actually having to increase the amount she eats.

If she has been limiting food for a long time be aware that her stomach will have shrunk and so eating larger meals will be uncomfortable for her. She needs you to be strict, but also to build up the amount she is eating slowly. She also needs to get used to the feeling of food inside her stomach again as she will be used to feeling empty. Insist on supper, something like porridge with full fat milk, and regular snacks to stop her getting empty.

Good luck. It's a difficult situation but you must be cruel to be kind in this case. She needs you to be incredibly strict as the eating disorder will take any rationality from her brain.

I can't give you any advice on eating disorders, but on being a single mum trying to do the best for her DD I can. Please don't beat yourself up about this your DD needs you to be strong for her now and her Dad letting her down is not hers or your fault. You are her safe place,because you are always there for her, you are going to receive the brunt of her anger as she knows you are going to stay no matter what she does. Be kind to yourself.

My friend is a school nurse at a leading independent school and says this is endemic unfortunately. OP, please don't take this the wrong way but as well as involving the school pastoral team, nurse and GP you must get way more involved yourself. She doesn't hate you but she's doing her best to deflect you and make you feel unreasonable.

She's a child so you see the GP together and discuss a plan. Simply trying to force her to eat higher calorie foods isn't enough as you know.

There are some awesome posts above, I just wanted to add the bit about getting yourself ( and dh?) back into being far more present and involved. Buying expensive day care just isn't enough.

I think you need to encourage her to see a doctor. As a former bulimic, teachers "keeping an eye on her at mealtimes" does not sound like a great idea. Having someone policing her eating or purging is likely to be traumatic and counter-producting. This is particularly the case if the school is not great on pastoral care, and the teachers aren't trained in this area (and if they're not doctors or psychologists there's no reason they will be). I'm afraid I also disagree that it's for you to share her medical issues with the school against her will, given her age. I think you need to discuss the issue with your DD and figure out a plan with her.

I would definitely share her issues with someone at the school they might not do anything but they will be sympathetic and aware and being a boarding school may be more experienced in dealing with issues like this. My Oh is a teacher and you would be surprised at how much does get passed on, such as Sam smiths dog died over the weekend please be aware or lucy Jones has been to the gp over anxiety and other potential mental health issues (not real names) the students might not necessarily know but the teachers can avoid saying certain things or be more understanding of unusual or bad behaviour from the pupil

Hi OP. Mother of an anorexic dd here. Mine is 25, pretty much recovered but still experiencing the effects that Imperfect talks about (oh so powerfully-Imperfect I wish you the very very best). Yes, get her some help. Yes, be prepared for you to become the bad guy. Eating disorders are vile illnesses, and they are dangerous. They thrive on dissent, chaos, dividing and ruling. I felt my dd was possessed at times, that I really couldn't get past the disorder to find her again.

But the sufferer can, with the right help and support, get better. Hold on to that. And try to be calm and reasonable, because one day your dd will understand that you haven't lied, the ED has. That you were truthful and honest and can be relied on, because the ED is none of those things, and it can't be. Good luck to you and your dd.

I've let school know that I have concerns and I've booked her into a gp appointment tomorrow morning. I tried to speak with her again this morning but she's giving me the silent treatment. She gets her stubborn-ness from me though so she's fighting an uphill battle.

Matilda I know you didn't want me to take it the wrong way, but I do feel slightly judged by your words? I don't consider her school 'expensive day care'. Though I understand that tone is impossible to read through text.

Dp is looking into private help as he gets it free through work for a number of hours. Does anyone know if that will be helpful at all.

Thanks for all sharing your experiences. I do appreciate it.

Thank you ApocalypseSlough & Inyournightdress - I didn't mean that to be all "look at me, my autobiography would have a sepia cover SEE HOW I HAVE SUFFERED" (etc etc self-absorbed irrelevancies blah) really was just trying to stress how important it is to make sure she gets treatment.

Well done (in the least patronising way possible!) for talking to your DD about this Inyournightdress: I know it must have been an incredibly difficult conversation to have. But you did it - if you were "a horrendous mother" you wouldn't have; and you wouldn't be so determined to get her help.

You are absolutely right that your DD is lying & deflecting. She is trying to protect her eating disorder (which from what you've said sounds to me like anorexia type two, the subtype which includes [binging &] purging as well as the extreme restrictive diet everyone associates with anorexia - that is mere speculation/guesswork however!) & she's lashing out. She doesn't hate you. She is hurting, as you say, for the reasons you say - but also because, at the moment, inside her head won't be a very nice place to be. Living with anorexia means having a voice in your head constantly passing comment on everything you say/do. So right now I have a whispery-hiss of "ugh, like ANYONE wants to hear what YOU want to say fatty... seriously, you shouldn't be commenting... oh & missing ballet today? Don't think that trying to distract me by doing this in-between organising stuff for the weekend will work..." (with a crescendo into a kind of screechy rage from the hissy whisper... my anorexic voice has some serious anger issues...)

Of course the "ED voice" is, well, the person with the eating disorder. It really REALLY doesn't feel that way at all. And it can be helpful, I think, to understand things like the "snoopy old bitch" comment as being that voice not your DD's. That voice can be positively brutal to anyone it thinks is threatening it.

Getting a GP appointment ASAP is important - she will need blood tests doing. Has she been to the dentist recently? If not you might want to book a check-up to make sure there's no sign of damage to her tooth enamel from the vomiting. I agree telling her House Parent is an important step: are you able to meet with them to discuss it? As the school take boarders, have they a plan for managing the care of pupils with EDs [& can it be adapted for your DD]? On the freak!front, with Eating Disorders being ever-more common, maybe you could have a look at the b-eat site [together] & also get her House Parent to help reassure her.

And now, given I've spent actual hours writing

She really won't be labelled as a freak by the school. Unfortunately they will have seen this regularly, especially if it's a single sex girls' school.

Whether or not any ED is covered by private health insurance very much depends upon the terms of the policy. I would ring up and ask, just so that you know. A friend did this for her DD with suspected anorexia, and I seem to remember her saying that she was told by the private hospital that the GP's referral had to be phrased in a certain way for the insurance to be valid.I know nothing more than that, as friend didn't proceed with this form of treatment.

Bother. Headbutted by cat...

What I was going to say was that writing that took actual hours because I kept sort-of-crashing, so I think a nap is in order.

You are v welcome to PM me if you think it'd be helpful at any point OP - even if it's just to decompress

The problem with accessing time limited private care is that you will have to transfer teams (sometimes after 4 weeks - just when you have got started). ED treatment is typically 6-12 months plus (not saying everyone gets this, it depends on diagnosis and service available in your area). You would be well within your rights to meet both teams and then decide, but possibly best if your daughter only has to go through one assessment.

Imperfect, I think your post above should be shared with all CAMHS clinicians, and is majorly helpful to read 💐.

There is a fantastic video here

Hum. Somehow missed NightNightBadger's last post...

I could write a How Not To guide for HCPs across both physical & mental health fields. But I'd probably be accused of being a manipulative anorexic

Your dd might be glad, even though she's lash in our/cross. I felt awful when my mum took me to the GP (boarded) but it did help. Can you afford private counselling to start asap to find out what's going on?

Oh sorry, wanted to say, my old bupa policy covered 8 seasons of private therapy for anxiety issues, if you ask about your entitlement to a counselling budget, I didn't need any kind of diagnosis to claim it, and it can work whilst you wait for nhs things at least as ancillary help.