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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To realise I've messed up with my maintenance from my ex since 2006

25 replies

BG2015 · 20/09/2016 19:52

I've decided I've been too nice and should have gone down the CSA route.

My ex husband of 10 yrs (who I have a reasonable relationship with) yesterday suggested he reduce my maintenance payments in the light of our eldest son living with him 4/5 days at week whilst at college. He's been there 2 weeks since the start of term.

My ex has always underpaid my maintenance by nearly £200 a month but I've let it go as we had an amicable relationship for our boys. I've never gone down the official government maintenance route, we decided an amount together. Years ago I did earn more than him but his salary has gone up considerably over recent years!

Last year I suggested he increase it ( he's never done so in 10 yrs) as the boys are now teenagers and EAT! He reluctantly agreed and I didn't speak to him for 4 months has he caused such a big deal about it.

He's now saying we need to look at the maintenance and wants to reduce it.

In addition to this, my son will come home to me every holiday. I'm a teacher. He has no friends near his dad's and in all honesty doesn't want to stay there really, it's just more convenient as public transport is terrible from our area to his college. So for 13 weeks ( less 1 night he'll be at his dad's) he will here with me.

I don't know what to do. He's asked me to suggest an amount to reduce it by and get back to him?.

I've contacted the CM people and even if I just claim for my youngest son I'll still get more than I get now for 2!!!

OP posts:

ThatStewie · 20/09/2016 19:53

Tell him exactly what CMS said. And use them.

hownottofuckup · 20/09/2016 19:55

I've contacted the CM people and even if I just claim for my youngest son I'll still get more than I get now for 2!!!

That's a no brainier then! Just respond 'i don't know what to suggest so will contact CSS and they can sort it out for us'

DeadGood · 20/09/2016 19:57

"I recommend we keep it as is, to make up for the [200/month] shortfall we've had for the last few years.
Just to keep you in the loop, CM have recommended [x amount] so we could switch to that if you prefer."

Trifleorbust · 20/09/2016 19:58

CMS. You're not even getting what you are entitled to and he wants to reduce it? Fuck that.

LineyReborn · 20/09/2016 20:00

Just do it officially.

SheldonsSpot · 20/09/2016 20:04

"I'm glad you suggested we review the maintenance. I'll contact the CMS tomorrow about it. If we do it formally, through the CMS from now on, then we can both be assured that the payments are correct".

MissElizaBennettsBaubles · 20/09/2016 20:10

Sheldon has hit the nail squarely on the head...

Original poster

BG2015 · 20/09/2016 20:12

I've suggested all that.

He throws back the fact that I got more equity than him!!! And that for 5 yrs I had a partner whereas he was on his own. My ex partner didn't support me or my children.

My son will be 17 in December and will eventually get a car in the Spring. He will be back here like a shot. He's actually here now, eating pizza with 2 mates.

OP posts:

SheldonsSpot · 20/09/2016 20:15

He can throw back any facts that he likes, tell him to throw them to the CMS and then refuse to discuss it any further.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 20/09/2016 20:19

"He can throw back any facts that he likes, tell him to throw them to the CMS and then refuse to discuss it any further"

This ^^

Phillipa12 · 20/09/2016 20:19

Dosent matter how much equity you got or if you had a partner living with you. Just tell him ok i will go down the cms route then if you are going to be difficult, he will soon back down once he realises that he cant get anywhere with you.

EweAreHere · 20/09/2016 20:32

He's an ass. Hold firm and tell him you're going with the official guidelines or will make it formal.

fuzzywuzzy · 20/09/2016 20:34

He can throw what he likes. Just open a claim with CMS & refuse to discuss finances with him!

hownottofuckup · 20/09/2016 22:33

I know it doesn't always feel like it, but actually you hold all the cards right now. He's bullied you into excepting less once, don't let him do it a second time.

BravingSpring · 20/09/2016 22:39

Your income and financial settlement from your divorce are irrelevant to child maintenance.

SarahJane333 · 21/09/2016 12:40

You realise you should now be paying CSA to him for one child

DontMindMe1 · 21/09/2016 17:28

You realise you should now be paying CSA to him for one child

That's probably what made her suddenly realise that ex has always underpaid my maintenance by nearly £200 a month but I've let it go as we had an amicable relationship for our boys. So she chose NOT to go via CMS, feeding the kids hasn't been an issue all this time.

Funny isn't it - YOU CHOSE to accept the maintenance at that level and had no issues with it. But now, when the tables turn and it's YOUR turn to provide maintenance - you start crying your the one who's been hard done by - when it was YOUR decision to begin with!

There's no reason why you ds can't get a pt job - like lots of others at college and uni - and start funding some of his own lifestyle?

Obviouspretzel · 21/09/2016 21:28

dontmindme so what?

He's underpaid for ten years as I am reading it, so this new arrangement, although undoubtedly costing him more in real terms, is simply a redress of the balance.

He's seeing the cost of having your son live with him and realising how much it actually is. He's being a prick.

Obviouspretzel · 21/09/2016 21:29

Your DS could , and possibly should, get part time job, but that hasn't really got anything to do with the OP.

Original poster

BG2015 · 22/09/2016 07:54

He has got a Saturday job. What that's got to do with maintenance I don't know.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 22/09/2016 07:57

I think you need to make it & take it down the official route. He's being a twat

fuzzywuzzy · 22/09/2016 08:19

Dontmind, regardless of how wealthy op may be, shouldn't the father of the children have taken full financial responsibility of his. Gildren & paid a decent amount in maintenance?

OP may not have to pay maintenance given she's the resident parent and it sounds like her DS spends more nights at hers not his fathers house.

thisismeusernameything · 22/09/2016 08:41

How much will you owe him for the nights Ds stays with his dad?

ivykaty44 · 22/09/2016 08:52

It is on treating that the op kept the peace for the sake of her d's and therefore made her d's go without the £200 per month.

It's something I did myself, I let my dd go without rather than there father rant at them about there nasty mother.

He still ranted and he still didn't pay properly, some will say well at least he paid and you should be grateful.

Ops ex can counter claim and I would put money on him not accepting anything less than the full amount.

Op take a leaf out of your ex book and use his rules.

Collaborate · 22/09/2016 08:53

Beware though that potentially you'll have to pay maintenance for the one that lives with him.

CMS will either look at it on a week-by-week basis (which means you apply for a variation every time there's a holiday), or on an annual basis. With the current system, I think you have a case for annualising it. Over 365 days, does the eldest spend more nights at yours over the course of the year, or more at his dad's?

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