Please please help - bullying ex, shared care and going to court

[Theladyloriana]

I'm so sorry but I'm posting for traffic.

I cannot afford legal advice and I have been trying to get through to rights of women for weeks.

Current sitauon is that mediation is breaking down as ex insists on total split of dc time, they are 6 and 1. I work 3.days with a lot of flexible working and ex works full time with a great deal of overtime and limited flexibility. Currently they spend eoweekend and Tuesday nights with him.

Apart from verbally abusive and physically violent behaviour towards me, which I have police reports etc, not towards them, I would argue on a practical level its just not feasible. He never returns forms so ds has missed out on clubs etc as I didn't know they had gone home in his book bag; he has never taken them to the docs, dentists, play date, after school activity I do basically everything for them and always have.

My dd 1, nearly 2, cries whenever I leave the room when she is wth me and seems to be suffering from separation anxiety.

I think they will benefit from a continuation of the current arrangement on a practical level, as I would rather not argue it on the fact he has been extremely frightening and abusive towards me. So much so i have cctv installed outside my house as a deterrent.

Ex says I am not that main carer. That he will aggressively fight me in court and tell everyone 'what I'm really like'. He says he will get shared care anyway whether we go to court or I agree before.

I cannot afford representation. I would prefer not to bring up the past as I find it to be a really traumatic memory and I am just coming through all the fear I felt in the family home. Also I am not proud of my reaction to continual verbal abuse. I left with the kids at the beginning of the year.

If anyone can help me or tell me their recent experience as things seemed to have changed so much I would be so very gratrful. I just don't know where to turn.

dear all, i couldnt agree more atenco - mumsnet at its finest.

notmorecake - thank you so much, your offer to hold my hand if you could brought a tear to my eye.

this thread (and pming magic) has helped me enormously to move on from being paralysed by fear to thinking - ok, well if we have to go to court to establish what is in the best interests of the children, so be it.

i have just read 'so youve been publicly shamed' by jon ronson and he makes an interesting point about the notion of shame and being shamed (which he argues is integral to our court process' in terms of how people are treated by litigators) is that its only if you agree to feeling ashamed does the 'shaming' occur. if you stand up and say, yes this happened, for these reasons, and no i am not ashamed - the shaming goes away. i know its a different context and i'm going off on a tangent but what i mean is - is i'm sad my marriage became toxic, but i will not be shamed by losing my temper at horrendous levels of deliberate provocation into not going to court to argue for the best interests of my children.

so my point is - the responses here have taken the fear away for me. thank you xx

Glad you sound stronger and positive OP. Your posts have been so similar to how I felt about my marriage, it's toxicity and the feeling of shame despite the pressure I was under. Remember the family court are only interested in what is right for the children. Not what went on in your marriage unless it impacted on the children too. I wish I had realised that sooner just like you have now. Best wishes.