I got pregnant for the first time seven weeks ago, and last week I had a miscarriage. The mc started with an overnight bleed which ended up with me in hospital – after that we had to wait for a scan after the weekend to confirm what was going on, but we were pretty sure I’d lost it, which turned out to be the case. The day after the bleed I called my mum to tell her what had happened, and she was very sympathetic, saying, ‘Whatever we can do...’ etc etc. Later in the conversation we arranged to go to theirs for dinner the following evening, and I asked lightly whether Mum could make sure that if they served cheese it would be hard cheese and not soft, because even though we were fairly sure I’d miscarried I was going to go on obeying the pregnancy advice until it was completely confirmed, and not eating soft cheese was the thing I'd been struggling to get used to. She responded by saying no, ‘You don’t really want me not to serve soft cheese to everyone else [i.e. her, my dad and my husband], do you?’ and basically laughed and told me not to be so silly. At that point I said, 'Yes, I do want that, please,' (less lightly) and then when she only laughed I said, ‘But wait a minute, you just said if there was anything you could do...?!’ and she refused again.
I realise this sounds absurd (and obviously I am feeling particularly vulnerable and volatile right now) but it’s the symbolic value of it that’s really got to me – that, having offered help, when I asked for a tiny gesture of support to show that they understood and supported me (us), she dismissed it out of hand and implied that I was childish and selfish for asking. I didn’t want to sit at the table having to think about why I wasn’t supposed to eat soft cheese, and how actually I probably could have done anyway... I know I am very prone to anger right now, but I feel really hurt and furious that she offered sympathy and then wasn’t prepared to make any concession at all to my feelings when I asked for something specific that didn’t tally with what she wanted.
I should probably add that she had a mc before my older sister was born, which she was pretty cut up about, but obviously went on to have two of us (and told me that things would go better next time round). And generally we have a fairly good relationship, although she does rather subscribe to the I-love-you-so-much-how-dare-you-criticise-my-behaviour?! school of thought.
Any thoughts?