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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be considering calling the social services?

17 replies

adviceneeded2016 · 20/09/2016 10:24

My 8 year old ds has come back from a weekend with hes dad, he's dads new partner and her 7 year old dd.
Trying to keep this long story as short as poss but he went on to say him and her dd walked in on them naked kissing open mouthed and was standing there for a long time. when i asked if they didnt see use standing there he said daddy's dp did but didnt say anything. he then went on to say they were laying on top of eachother (fully clothed) on the sofa all weekend and kissing like that. on top of this they both were drinking all weekend for which ds has said her dd said they always do. my lovely ex partner also decided to offer my ds to try he's beer. ex p has always been a drinker however he's not supposed to drink when he has ds and he doesnt have him overnight often because of this reason i see it as he can have him in the day and get drunk when he drops him home. this is the third occassion there has been a problem everytime the pair are drunk, she has not long got her child back on the agreement that she doesnt behave like this. ex partners gf has also decided to sit my son down at the weekend and explain in full how babies are made, what periods are everything. in my opinion in far to much detail for a child. i did get a text of ex partner saying it was her dd who told him he thought he should give me the heads up, however it wasn't it was he's dp why he was in the bath, i've had a few problems since ex partner has got with this woman, ive had her shouting down the phone to which i hung up, she has spent three visits completely ignoring ds which made him so uncomfortable he didnt want to go anymore, this was meant to be a weekend where she made an effort and they all had a great time, tbf she did talk to ds and even played where's wally with him however this was drunk.
this is the clinching part for me there just doesnt seem like they are right in the head, i have had dp call me tell me how ds is out of control (he's just a normal 8 year old boy) before and another time to tell me how its was all him, now this time why my son was in he's care at 1am he drunkenly said that he believes ds is being molested by my brother who is 13. now this is not something you joke about however the next day he has tried to backtrack and say he didnt mean it and im overreacting, i have approached it with ds now he's home and he's oblivious to anything and ex p has tried to take the accusation back. AIBU to stop contact now or make it be day contact and to call social as that poor girl is living with this day in day out? i know what ex p was like when we was together thats why i left him, he'd get drunk smash the house up, snap the landline wire so i couldnt call the police kick doors of the hinges, switch the electrics off and sometimes even hit me. from what i know about he's new dp she was the same thats why her child was taken on her i can't help but think they are very twisted and children shouldnt be in that enviroment

OP posts:

ReginaBlitz · 20/09/2016 10:28

Sorry but sounds like you shouldn't have let him go there full stop. Stop contact end of this is so wrong.

Buzzardbird · 20/09/2016 10:32

I would and I would stop DS going to see them in their home until some sort of supervised contact has been set up.
Very damaging for both children to be in that environment.

icanteven · 20/09/2016 10:33

I would report it so that you have a "paper trail", and to try to protect the little girl, and then withdraw unsupervised contact. If he contests this (he probably will) you will have to take it further.

Your post is a little hard to read, but when you say "she has not long got her child back on the agreement that she doesnt behave like this" do you meant that the girlfriend has had her daughter removed from her care by social services in the past?

It's an extreme comparison, but my cousin died (alone in his flat) a couple of weeks ago at 49 years of age from catastrophic heart and liver failure. He was an alcoholic who lost everything, and his alcoholic father starting bringing him to the pub as a small child, and buying him pints in his early teens to "make a man of him". His older brother, who went through the same treatment, is a functioning alcoholic. His sisters haven't spoken to their father in many years.

There is NOTHING all right with an adult pushing a small child to drink alcohol. It won't be long before your son starts drinking of his own accord to try to win his father's affection and attention. There's nothing wrong with drinking in itself, but from what you have said, your ex and his partner have problems with alcohol, and they will almost certainly pass on an unhealthy relationship with it to their respective children.

kissmethere · 20/09/2016 10:34

You need to stop contact. It doesn't sound like he's witnessing basic affection between the two of them and it's pretty full on. Step back to establish boundaries.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/09/2016 10:35

I don't think you should send your son back there. It doesn't sounds as though he enjoys it at all. The drinking and violence alone makes it an unsafe atmosphere.
I don't know the legalities, but if your ex wants contact can you push for supervised visits?

I'm not sure what to say about the daughter. It sounds dreadful but aren't social services keeping an eye on them if the daughter has been taken into care already?

Gottagetmoving · 20/09/2016 10:40

I would not let my child go there again.
Your ex partner has a history of drinking and violence, Why would you trust him with your son?
Your ex should only ever have supervised contact if any at all.
No child should have to see what your ex and his partner are subjecting them to.
My children stopped overnight visits to their Dad just because he was drinking and they were upset seeing him drunk. What your child is seeing is a lot worse.

t4nut · 20/09/2016 10:41

I think it sounds like you don't like him and are looking for reasons to cause trouble......

EliCon · 20/09/2016 10:43

I think the most important thing right now is to stop the visits of your son there, because these people sound like horrible influence to him. You are very right to think that is not a good environment for him.

Original poster

adviceneeded2016 · 20/09/2016 10:43

no social is not keeping an eye on them it was the girls fatehr who took her and raised her because of this along with he's and her mothers help at weekends. i think they wanted to keep social out of it, she agreed to move awy which she has and start over which she clearly hasnt. i said to ex partner as far as i am concerned he can have day visits just him and ds no one else and never over night he cam either like it or lump it. we've never gone to court so there isnt a court order in place anyway. i just dont want my son in that environment i feel guilty enough he witnessed some of he's dads antics when he was very young let alone now. it is my duty to protect him but he's dad doesnt think there is anything wrong and im making a bid deal out of nothing.

OP posts:

PovertyPain · 20/09/2016 10:49

I think it sounds like you don't like him and are looking for reasons to cause trouble

Are you fucking kidding me? I dread to think what you think is acceptable behaviour in front of a child.

Buddahbelly · 20/09/2016 10:49

t4nut seriously? so you'd be perfectly fine letting your child be around that behaviour?

Ignore that OP - I'd to report them, that poor little girl, I grew up with an alcoholic stepfather - I have hardly any good memories of my childhood that involve him or my home life, all the best times were at my nans.

You sound like you've dodged a bullet there by the way too.

kissmethere · 20/09/2016 10:50

So you need legal advice to establish an arrangement. Having not gone to court in this situation gives your ex more reign. Based on your reasons I'd say you need to do this asap.
Btw t4nut, cop yourself on will ya.

Owllady · 20/09/2016 10:51

I agree with icanteven

mrszc · 20/09/2016 10:53

Stop contact immediately and phone social services - your exp is obviously fucked up!

Afreshstartplease · 20/09/2016 10:55

Stop contact and get legal advise

SpookyRachel · 20/09/2016 11:30

I agree with the others - stop contact immediately, get advice. This is not acceptable and has potential to get much worse very quickly.

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 20/09/2016 11:35

Another saying get legal advice asap- your local CAB will have a list of solicitors who specialise in family cases - some may even do pro bono work for CAB.

And yes, I would involve SS - if asked you could say it is because you are worried about what your son is being subjected to whilst there.

In the meantime stop unsupervised contact and put it in writing (sent recorded delivery) to your ex-p exactly why you are doing so, and keep a copy of the letter and recorded delivery receipt so that you can show that to the solicitor / social services when you see them.

I grew up in a house with a functioning alcoholic who thankfully was not violent and it was not fun, to put it mildly. Your ex sounds like he needs help.

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