to insist on divorce

[57968sp]

Met my OH four years ago, we now live together and make each other happy. (most of the time )
I have been widowed for 12 years, his wife died about 18 years ago then he went to work in China where he married again. Happy marriage for 11 years then when time came near for him to retire she refused to accompany him back to the UK. When we first met he explained it all, and his family have confirmed everything he told me. He was heart broken at the time but by the time we met he had come to terms with the situation.
Since we became a couple he has tried to get a divorce because I am most uncomfortable with him still being married. At first his wife agreed though she always took at least 3 months to answer each email. Apparently divorce is simple in China, you simply take the marriage papers in to a government office, pay the fee and it is done. OH sent the marriage papers to her and she confirmed receiving them but has done nothing. She always had excuses (out of town would see to it in her return etc.) but in the last year she has not contacted him.
Neither of us wish to marry, we have grown up families who accept us as a couple but from time to time I get very upset that I am with another woman's husband.
OH just wants us to get on with our lives but I would dearly love the situation to be regularised. AIBU to insist he keeps trying to get a divorce?

Incidentally I have NC for this but it is my first post.

So generous of you all, glad I posted.
Easter !

Hope he gets it sorted OP

I would NOT leave that situation like this as when he dies, everything will go to her (esp if there is no will and/or laws in CHina are different than over here. There is a lot ot check there). Plus I would assume he would responsible of any debts etc... If she doesn't want a divorce, there is a reason for it!

I wouold either pay a sollicitor to handle it from here OR go to China myself, take a translator with me for the day nd do it myself.
Yes in both ways it's a lot of money but I suspect the risk he (you as a couple) are taking is rtoo great to leave it like this.

I think I'd feel a bit awkward with him still being married but fair play to him he's sent the forms etc and it's the ex holding it up, why? I mean why wouldn't she just want the divorce I mean it was her choice not to come to England when he retired so she ended it. Is she hoping if she hangs on she'll get everything when he dies I know that sounds awful but some people are like that.

Could you and him take a trip to China and get this sorted while you are there?
Or seek legal advice from here? Could the marriage be dissolved if they've been apart X amount of time?

Yes, you could get on with your lives happily enough without the divorce....but what if you go on for another x amount of years, building a life and home together, and (God forbid) your DP dies??
What happens then in legal terms, she is still his next of kin, and there is the possibility of all kinds of ownership wrangles?
I'd find a legal way of forcing the issue of divorce, you won't rest easily till its done....so it is of great importance!

Thank you everyone for your advice. Will ask OH to read your comments when he gets back.

I'd feel very uncomfortable about that, although I understand why your dp would feel like ignoring it. It's tricky to solve and it would feel like he was dredging up the past - out of sight out of mind type of thing.

But, it's important. If he leaves the situation as it is, he's basically relying on his wife to behave in an ethical manner and to be gracious enough not to cause problems in the future. And I don't think he has any grounds for trusting her to put his and your best interests before her own? After all he didn't anticipate she would refuse to move with him, or that she would refuse to deal with the divorce when he's tried previously. No precedent for trusting her with such power over his life and his families lives.

Even just writing this, it feels incorrect, as she is his wife, and it's not the case she's a 'stbxw' (soon to be ex wife), or an ex at all really. Even our language isn't set up for a this type of situation!

So, although it's difficult and easier not to think about it, he needs to get himself legally disconnected from his wife. I'd suggest finding and employing a representative in China rather than going himself.

It's very easy to get lost in the bureaucracy if you don't speak the language, have experience of the processes, and also, if she makes it clear she doesn't want a divorce to happen, and finds a sympathetic audience, you may find it somehow just gets stuck in red tape forever. More chances of success with someone who can navigate of this stuff.

Good luck for you, and your dp.

are you sure the will he has made is watertight and cannot be contested by his wife in china?

he was stupid sending the marriage papers to her after all that has happened. i hope there are copies somewhere he can get his hands on cos i doubt she will return them to him.

It's obvious she doesn't want to divorce him legally - and that alone should have sent alarm bells ringing for him ages ago. She may well be thinking that by remaining married she is legally his 'next of kin' and that all his assets will go to her by default if anything happens to him.

""Even just writing this, it feels incorrect, as she is his wife, and it's not the case she's a 'stbxw' (soon to be ex wife), or an ex at all really. Even our language isn't set up for a this type of situation""

She's his estranged wife, under our law they have lived seperately for long enough to consider his children NOK.

It's the legal side of things that need clarifying, he should do that for his children's sake.

Good point Birds :)

It just made me think about how I'd name it. I tend to write Stbxh on here, but I haven't started divorce proceedings as I haven't got up my courage and resilience to open that can of worms. Getting back in contact will be a big thing. But I am certain that I will do it. Hence the stbxh moniker, gives me faith this in between stage will end at some point.

The idea of not divorcing and remaining linked to him for the rest of my life fills me with horror, and, not to be over exaggerate, but I feel slightly revolted by the idea!

I'd find it doubly hard if I met someone else who was the love of my life. The official links wouldn't match up to my hearts links iyswim, I'd feel all out of sync!

Obviously this is all very individual, but my gut would say 'somethings out of kilter' if I had to remain married. Maybe if it ever happens, the strength and reality of love and the bond would outweigh all that though?

Or maybe it's because I still 'believe' in marriage, and hold a secret hope I'll have the chance to get it right and have my happy ever ever ... Although I know that's guff, I can't leave that idea behind. So my happy ever after includes slapping a ring on that finger :)

I'd be interested to know if the OP and get dp feel differently due to their different stances on marriage? But I realise I'm deviating from the main point of the thread OP so don't feel obligated to reply!

PS the rest of my previous post was en pointe though (excuses self and backs out of the thread door with an apologetic bow)

Miscellaneous, I don't know your back story but it appears from your posts above that you are in a similar situation to my OH in that your marriage is definitely over but not legally. I would find that position unbearable and would need closure so that I could move on. My OH's acceptance that he has tried to end the marriage but not succeeded so will just put it to the back of his mind is something I could not do if I was in his position.

You ask about us not being interested in marrying each other when you feel a ring is important to you. If we were going to have children I would consider marriage essential but we are way past that stage. We both have grown up children and their acceptance of us as a unit is important to us. Marriage would complicate inheritance issues so by not tying the knot and keeping our finances completely separate we would hope to keep them happy. Anyway that is hypothetical as he is a married man and we are "living in sin".
I want our situation to be one of our choosing, not dictated to by his wife. Sometimes I find it unbearable to know I am the OW, mostly I ignore it but I worry that it is eating me up inside and fear that eventually it will come to a point where his inaction will cause enough friction to damage our relationship.

P.S. I shall let him read this later in the week when he gets home. Thank you all for your input and reassurance that IANBU.

@57968sp

Apparently divorce is simple in China, you simply take the marriage papers in to a government office, pay the fee and it is done.

Wow- that sounds good!

I am by no means a divorce expert but isn't it the case where if you have been separated for x amount of years you can divorce without the other person's consent? I don't know if that applies here.

Can he not phone her and just ask her why she's holding it up and why she doesn't just get on with it. If he just keeps contacting her every few days and chasing her she might get bored of it and just do it.

But I agree with the others, if anything happens she has more claim / say on his estate, decisions to go with his health and so on.

Apparently divorce is simple in China, you simply take the marriage papers in to a government office, pay the fee and it is done.

It's even simpler in Japan - no fee involved, and you don't even have to have both of you there.

I have a stupid question. If it's that simple to divorce in China, how do they work out division of assets, child residency and maintenance and so on?

Marriage is not a "technicality" that is terrible advice.

Make sure you do your wills accompanied by a letter from him explaining the situation. If you own property or have bank accounts make sure they are in joint names so transfer to you automatically should he die.

Without a will with no dc if he goes it all goes to him.

Her not him

Old thread here people!

He can divorce her in the UK. If in England or Wales he'd need the original marriage certificate, a certified translation in to English, and a report from a local lawyer in China setting out what in Chinese law is acceptable as a form of service over there.

He then issues over here and serves her in China in accordance with local law.

It would be more expensive than if his wife were over here.

Alternatively he'd need to follow the divorce procedure in China, and then get the final divorce decree translated in to English (certified translation again) as proof over here that he is divorced.

It's also worth investigating if he marriage is legal in this country. It may not be. I cite a case of a friend who married a Thai woman, not recognised. And a more high profile case of Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger, Hindu wedding on Bali, not recognised.

You maybe lucky, there may be a quirk that if the married was not lodged with the British Embassy, it isn't recognised.

Failing that, you can divorce in this country after 5 years with no notification to the other spouse, provided you've made reasonable attempt to contact them. I've done it.

@whippetwoman

Yes, old post- I was searching through posts about divorce and by commenting I seem to have bumped it back up the list- sorry!

I agree with you that he should get a divorce. It'd be worth a trip to CHina to ensure that. He may not like to think about it, but if he dies, still married to someone with whom he does not make a life, it will be difficult for you & his children.

If he doesn't do it for you, he should be thinking of his children.

And if he won't do this, he HAS to make a really watertight will, ensuring that his estranged wife can have NO claim whatsoever. I speak from bitter experience as someone who had a thoughtless father. It's not pretty - the emotional fall out, rather than the financial, to be clear.

Zombie!!!!

i wonder if they sorted it out?
@57968sp ?