AIBU to want to warn her?

[sugarskullz]

I lived with a violent and abusive man for 14 years. Over the years he was both physically and mentally abusive, he broke my nose, knocked me out on several occasions, wound a studded belt around his hand and punched me repeatedly in the face, strangled me, smashed the windscreen of my car with me and my daughter in it showering us with glass, punched me almost every day and was mentally abusive too.

I tried to leave on many occasions, he hunted me down, blackmailed me and even climbed through a friends upstairs window to get at me. He would frequently lock me in the house or disable my car to stop me escaping. In short he made my life a living hell as he blackmailed me if I escaped he would hurt people close to me, abduct my daughter and kill me.

Eventually one day he barricaded me in the house and told me he was going to kill me. He repeatedly hit me across the head with a piece of wood and I felt myself starting to lose consciousness. My daughter who had been out heard my screams and managed to get her hand through the cat flap and unlock the back door. I managed to flee to a neighbours house who called the police. He was arrested and sent to a bail hostel whilst waiting trial, but eventually he was only charged with ABH. He was convicted and locked up.

By the time he was out I had met another man who would never dream of laying a finger on me. This all happened several years ago. Unfortunately I still see my ex as he is my daughters dad.

He has now met another woman and is talking about moving in with her. She has young children and grandchildren around and has no idea what she is getting into. I really feel she deserves to know but this has now led to a massive fall out with my daughter who has now decided to disown me and my new partner and stop us from seeing our grandchildren.

My heart is shattered into a thousand pieces. I haven’t even told this new woman anything but my daughter is being so evil towards me for even considering doing it. I feel torn between wanting to do the right thing in my mind, and keeping my nose out and risking the consequences.

AIBU to think she deserves to know what this man is capable of?

I would tell the new woman - nobody deserves to go through what you went through and if you could warn her I would. have you got anything from the police you could take a picture of or scan so she knows you are telling the truth? I'd keep the message factual and short.

Sugar, try not to stress out over this.
Could you speak to the Police, about your concerns ?
Don't involve your daughter, or speak of your plans, she really doesn't need to know.
I think the new girlfriend, should be made aware.
You are doing the right thing, be discreet, no comebacks, keep schtum !
Flowers for you, lovely lady 💐💐💐

I think you are right to be concerned for this woman.

You could go to the police and say that you have concerns for this woman's welfare due to who she is in a relationship with. Ask them to consider a Claire's Law disclosure. Any large police station front office should know what you are referring to and have a procedure. Very basically, they look into this mans past arrests/convictions, assess whether he is a risk to his current partner and if they deem him to be a risk, they will meet with her and disclose his violent past so she can make an informed choice.

Social services another option.

Were any of his family (not your daughter) shocked by the events?

They may feel uncomfortable with the situation and encourage him to be honest about his past. His new partner may still let him move in, but it's horrifying to think she won’t know anything, let alone the severity, of his previous actions.

You must tell children's services. You can ask to stay anonymous although they may work out it came from you. But you must do it.

I often felt like warning the next woman about 2 of my exes. One was violent to me and one was a serial cheater.

1. They may not behave that way with the next person.

1. The new woman may think it sour grapes.

Sadly i don't think your daughter's exactions is that un common. My neice witnessed my brother in law being violent to my sister on many occasions. She has nevertheless sided with him many times and been pretty vile to my sister. I wonder if it is some default self defence mechanism caused by fear when she was little? Or whether it is a conscious decision to stop him kicking off more?

Honestly? It's not a popular view but personally, if it were me I would keep my nose out. She won't believe you anyway and there is a good chance he would come after you.

Is there a way to let her know without getting involved yourself in the telling? Please make sure you're not putting yourself in danger but yes, do get info to her somehow because you'd probably feel awful if the same thing happens to the next woman & children

Violent domestic abusers don't stop being so just because they are in a new relationship. The past predicts the future.