What would you think of this man? Aibu to want to scratch his eyes out

[Fuckyourmoney]

NC for this. Need to get it out without it being linked to my main name.

I have rotten PMS and am incandescent with rage. I just have to get it out of my system

My ex has a new family. He is a lazy bastard and a perpetual student, always dropping and changing courses even though he is in his thirties now. I'm still not sure he has actually completed a degree. He lives off family money and has a fantastic life. Private school for the children. Big house. New cars. Multiple holidays a year to all corners of the world. People think he's GREAT and that he and his wife have this perfect family. She is a SAHM and also from a wealthy family, her father gave her an allowance the last I heard.

Here's the thing. My ex has a child he hasn't seen in years- the child he had with me. He hasn't paid a penny towards DC nor acknowledged them in any way. He is on the birth certificate and did have contact until they started to speak for themselves toddlerhood. He has no interest in DC but as he is from a prominent family in the local area, I hear things through the grapevine.

Getting pregnant really knocked my life off course. I adore DC, but I am not going to be coy about that- it is what it is and I have no regrets. However it was hard. We were poor and we are not fantastically well off now. I work two jobs and we do ok. We have a good, happy, fulfilling life.

However every now and then......fuck, I could kill him. Two reasons. Firstly, my DC is very intelligent and has a real talent in a certain area. I will obviously nurture this as far as I am able, but my ex's new family will have everything handed to them on a plate. They will have all the opportunities I can't give DC. I work so damn hard for the basics, yet my ex lives a life of Riley by sponging off others.

People think he and his family are great, and I have been portrayed as the typical evil ex. He was an abusive, rapey bastard to me and if you saw pils you would see the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

Yes it does gall me that he treated me so badly and got away with it. Yes I am resentful of the charmed life he has, but if this only affected me, I would stick on my back pack, ditch my job, and fuck off on a one way ticket RTW to do charity work

It's DC. DC missing out on a charmed lifestyle that I can't give them. DC who will be one step behind because let's face it, poor kids always are. I don't give a shit about big houses and cars for myself, but we live in an affluent area and I see how those kids have it easier. So my DC has to suffer because my ex is a cunt?

Fuck. I don't know. Sorry. I wish I didn't feel this furious. I'm not a bitter person really

It's sounds shit and I'd feel pissed off too.

You have every right to feel annoyed because it is unfair.

I can understand why you're annoyed. I probably would be too BUT this is a small price to pay for keeping such a vile man out of your child's life. I say this as someone who has this type of dad. The way I see it.
Your DC, let's say he's a boy (you haven't said the sex of DC) could learn that this vile way is the way you treat a partner when he is older and then history repeates itself.
Your DC, if she is a girl, could look at her dad and expect this to be how normal relationships work and may stay in an abusive relationship.

I'm not saying these sinarios are a given, but your DC will do well with their life and what ever they do it won't be because some arsehole has chucked money in their direction

It sounds to me as if it's worth trying again to claim child support. I know less than nothing about the ins and outs of the CSA, but surely there's a way of making him pay? Failing that, given that he's from a 'prominent local family' picket their front gate. I'm not surprised you're furious.

On the other hand, you also sound great, so I suspect your DC has lucked out as regards one parent at least.

Absolutely Peppa

Sadly his other children won't be so lucky. Though then I second guess myself - what if it was all my fault? What if he is a great dad to them? And how the HELL do men get away with this? As a mother, if I'd abandoned my DC with such aplomb, I'd be crucified in the streets

He sounds very abusive. Likely abused as a child. You must know he's not truly happy.

It seems to be eating you up right now though. Maybe reading up some stuff on abuse and narcissism may help?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It is unfair.

What is happening is that you are experiencing the great wealth divide personally. Your DC really are no different from other poor children - and, on the other side, his life really isn't that different from that of other wealthy kids who do have all kinds of opportunities handed to them (even the ones that say 'I totally earned it' often have all kinds of things that they don't even acknowledge). There is a colossal inequality of opportunity and experience across the divide. And it isn't fair. Your child will have further to climb, and will have to work harder, to get to the same place that others have handed to them.

However, infuriating though that is, there is more to life than career, status and possessions. There is a kind of quality of having got where you get yourself, and of being able to see outside of the golden cage of privilege, that is valuable morally and emotionally. It might not be valued by society in monetary terms - but nor are other qualities or care and kindness (the pay of a health care assistant versus that of a CEO?). That doesn't mean that we can do without values outside of those that are 'worth something' economically. I think you are raising a human being, not a career-driven automaton, and there is every chance of your DC having a healthy and a happy life.

I'm absolutely not saying 'Ignore it, money's not important'. It is important to be able to live in a dignified way, and a certain amount of cash is needed for that. But you only need so much of it to be happy and fulfilled. There are a lot of people who appear to have all the worldly goods anyone could want, who are desperately unhappy. There are some who really have pieces missing, because they always thought money could sort things out, and then they find it can't. Nor am I saying 'Just accept thy lot' - don't. Battle against the system for redistribution! But don't let the personal nature of this all eat you up. He really, really isn't even worth your rage.

Ahhh, I wrote another massive long post and lost it.

Thank you shovetheholly. That is a great post, and it reflects what I do believe in

It's just hard when I'll be toddling along for months, feeling happy, then something sets off this absolutely giant wave of bitterness and rage at the unfairness of it all

It doesn't help that I still at times have people making judgements on me/my age/DC age etc, when the fucking Addams Family there are pillars of the community even though ex has never worked a day in his life

But you are independent. You should be so proud of that. While he is still a student ffs and dependent on hand-outs from his parents at 30.

You have taken full responsibility for your dc and will reap the rewards of that for the rest of your life. He has turned his back totally on his own child.

There's really no comparison to be made. You are streets ahead of him and will have a far happier life.

Oh, and with regard to other people's opinions, if they don'y know your whole story and everything about you - and no one can - then they can't judge fairly.

Therefore you don't need to respect their opinions. Only your own opinion of yourself and the way you live your life.

I know what you mean about the sudden tsunami of resentment. I have a different kind of inequality in my life. 99% of the time I am fine, but then suddenly I am in the middle of a tsumani of upset and resentment. I think sometimes you don't just 'get over' something happening - you manage OK most of the time, but sometimes it just hits you when you are off guard. Venting on Mumsnet is a good way of handling it, provided it does help you to move back to the happy and not simply to sit thinking about that pain for longer.

I have a feeling you are the most fantastic Mum, and that your DC are going to be just fine in spite of the barriers they face. (Which is not to say that those barriers are insignificant). As for people who judge - sod 'em and their shortsightedness. That they can see a bloke like your ex as some pillar of the community really is an indictment of their ability to judge character, don't you think? (I sometimes think that those who pride themselves the most publicly on this skill are often the very worst at it).

Chin up. At least your DC will grow up a nicer person without them around.

I can't improve much on shovetheholly's excellent posts so I'll just agree. You sound like a great Mum BTW .

I don't think YABU to resent him his easy life, sometimes it really doesn't seem fair that some people have so much when they haven't earned it. Just look at it this way, he has never had to work hard or actually achieve anything because its all just fell his way, and look what a shit its turned him into, a lazy good for nothing twat. Your DC won't grow up with those values, they will have to work harder yes but they will grow into a better person I bet, anything they have they will have achieved themselves and I think thats better in the long run.