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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU, my friend or her ex?

43 replies

IveGotCheese · 19/09/2016 16:02

Posting for a friend.

My friend's ex hasn't seen their two boys (10 and 8) for 8 months now. They have been split up for 4 years now and he saw them regularly and then one day after an argument over him treating the child he had with the OW better than his boys, he said he couldn't cope with her anymore and just stopped seeing them.

She received financial help in dribs and drabs when he 'could afford it' and never went to the CMS. He had agreed to pay her £100 for both boys but rarely actually gave her that amount and missed a lot of months. After 4 months of him not seeing them she decided to go to the CMS and they calculated that he should be paying £230 a month.

Anyway suddenly he is saying he will only start seeing the boys if she stops the CM. He phoned the youngest boy on his birthday and told him that their mum had stopped him seeing them which of course was a total lie but the boys now blame my friend and she feels awful. She hasn't done anything wrong apart from perhaps confront him when he was being a crap father and leaving the boys out etc. He is the one who has walked away and she has tried to get him to see the boys but he blocked her number.

His mum is on his side and phoned my friend the other day to say how ridiculous it all was and that my friend was putting money before the boys and if she just stopped the CM then the boys could see their dad. She made out my friend was the bad one in all this.

She is stressed out and is considering closing the case with the CMS to ensure the boys see their dad but personally I think he is just using the CM as an excuse and have advised her not to give into him. He is legally required to pay for them whether he sees them or not and I don't think it's fair she is being made to feel like a money grabber for getting what she is entitled to.

She has told him that if he starts seeing the boys again and having them overnight then she will adjust the CM but he refuses this and says he will wait for a letter to say it's stopped before he starts seeing the boys.

I am biased because she is my friend so I am obviously on her side but she would like an outsiders point of view. Who is BU? Any advice for her?

OP posts:
Atenco · 19/09/2016 17:09

I don't know how convenient it is for him to see the children if he makes up lies to paint their mother as a bad person.

Stormtreader · 19/09/2016 17:11

He didnt stick to what he'd agreed when he wasnt forced to, I wouldnt trust him to stick to this either.

At least with the CM money theres a chance of her actually getting some of what he should be doing as a parent.

Memoires · 19/09/2016 17:11

Keep the CMS for goodness' sake!

She can tell her boys the truth - she has never stopped their dad from seeing them, but sometimes he is difficult to get hold of and to make a decision about when he is free. The 10 yo is quite old enough to work out from that what is actually happening and where blame should lie. The 8yo will follow suit. It is really sad that their dad is such a good-for-nothing.

As long as she emphasises how much she loves them, she will always be there for them and they are the most important things in her life, that the rest of her family (making assumptions here) love them both dearly and so on, they will be OK.

Why lie for him? Why take the blame for him? The boys will suss it sooner or later and better to learn when in a safe and stable place froma trusted source, than not.

bloodyteenagers · 19/09/2016 17:22

I would email him and cc his mummy in as well.
Hi. I started the cms claim because you have a responsibility to assist with their financial costs. Something that you weren't consistent with doing. You have had four years to pay towards their upkeep on a regular basis.
As for contact. I shall remind you that contact and finances are seen in the eyes of the law as separate. But as you raised this, let's remember that you decided 8 months ago to walk away. Now you are saying if I drop the child support you will see them. Here's the thing. For 8 months you have neither seen them or financially supported them. And unfortunately being a parent doesn't work like that. You cannot decide to either financially support them or have contact, it has to be both.

So here are my suggestions at re-establishing contact... And list times and days.

StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2016 17:22

£100 a month pays for school lunches for two round here.
well that's wonderful. Who does he think is paying for everything else his children, use, consume and experience?

Snapandcrackle · 19/09/2016 17:38

She definitely should not close the CMS case.

I would not involve his mother any further, in fact I would consider going to the police re harassment if she continues.

I'm not sure how I would explain it to the children but they need to know she is not preventing them seeing there dad. I am not sure how I would frame it though.

SarcasmMode · 19/09/2016 17:38

Fucking he'll.

I'd tell him he clearly doesn't give a shit about his kids as he'd want to see them no matter what. I'd also tell the hag of a mother to butt the fuck out too.

Honestly, the kids will be better without him and with the money. At least money is useful and doesn't let you down.

I'd probably tell the kids that Dad won't see them if he has to pay money. I wouldn't ordinarily want to tell a child this but if he's making you out to be a liar it isn't fair on Her or the kids.

Onthecouchagain · 19/09/2016 19:02

What an absolute dickhead. No way give in to this shit. Not in a million years

Lunar1 · 19/09/2016 19:08

She should continue the case, if he loved his children nothing would stop him seeing them.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 19/09/2016 19:10

I'm shocked there are actually posters on here that are considering dropping the CM so he will keep seeing the kids Shock

He is fucking blackmailing her and using his kids as emotional weapons against her.

Tell your friend to push on with the CS. She It's the boys money. It's so they can have warm coat, winter shoes, school trips, heating on ...

These threads give me the fucking rage. My friend is going through it at the moment Angry

Atenco · 19/09/2016 19:41

Maybe your friend should pick up the phone in front of the children and invite him to see his children?

MargaretCabbage · 19/09/2016 19:54

He obviously can't be bothered with the children, otherwise he'd be seeing them regardless of child maintenance. I wouldn't stop it as I'd expect he's probably not going to be reliable for contact anyway. And the children will work it all out eventually, and know it's not her fault.

MidniteScribbler · 20/09/2016 01:13

Make sure he pays what he is supposed to.

Tell the boys that their father is welcome to visit them any time. Let the boys either write or email their father themselves and they can ask if he will visit/take them out. If they get no response, then they may start to realise for themselves that he doesn't give a shit about them.

ohtheholidays · 20/09/2016 01:57

100% him! What a fucking low life wanker and his Mother sounds no better she should be bloody ashamed of herself and her son!

My ex husband was an arsehole about seeing our 2 DS after I split up with him and he still owe's me around £14,000 in unpaid maintanance and debts he ran up!

But my sons aren't daft and they soon figured out that they weren't seeing they're Dad because of they're Dad,they know it wasn't anything they'd done or I'd done and they don't really bother with him now and he winges about it and gets upset over it.

But I did warn him when they were growing up if he kept being fickle and mucking them about they'd grow tired of him and the way he behaved and it would affect his relationship with him and it has they're 20 and 18 now and my DH is they're Dad as far as they,my DH,me and our families are concerned.He's been there for them for years,he knows far more about them than my ex ever will and he'd do anything for them within a heartbeat.

Tell your friend to stick to what she knows is right,her ex is trying to bully her.Tell him that involving the children in adult matters is not the way it should be,tell him it will do his DC more harm than good.
Children need to be protected from what's going on,they don't need it rubbing in they're faces which is what your friends ex is doing.

If he won't stop then I'd speak to a solicitor and if his Mum is getting involved and getting on at her she should think about blocking her number,ahe dosen't need the hassle and she's done nothing to deserve it!

MephistoMarley · 20/09/2016 03:50

What a disgusting shit he is.
A man like that is going to cause nothing but emotional harm to the kids because he doesn't care about their emotions wellbeing at all. She needs to be open with the kids though and make sure they understand that their dad should be paying to support them and that she didn't prevent them from seeing him. Poor kids.

DixieWishbone · 20/09/2016 04:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 20/09/2016 05:50

She is not responsible for his decisions. She is making it possible for him to see his kids and he is choosing to make the CM an issue in this. Tough shit. I wouldn't entertain it.

pluck · 20/09/2016 06:50

How is all this being communicated? If he's been willing to say any of this in writing (text/ email), he doesn't care if the children see it. Favouring the new partner's son shows that he's hurt them to their faces before.

MIL should be ashamed of her son, and perhaps she is, but is attacking her ex DIL to hide how awful her son is. She might be blackmailed Wink by threat of exposure of her son's deficiencies, into not attacking her DIL.... Who knows what poison she's already spreading to the poor kids?

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